tinhuviel: (Ren and Stimpy Happy Happy Joy Joy)

When Janice realised a few hours ago that I had put my feelers out for a twin/half bed, she told me that I could have hers, which is in pretty much brand new condition. She is wanting to get rid of the bed, because she has a new suit with a larger bed that's better support to her ailing back. Fine with me! I was pleased. Feelin' groovy.  Paul Simon was prepared to serenade me!  

Then, about an hour after that good news, I got a call from JoLee at Stonesthrow. I could tell by the tone of her voice things weren't good, before she even had the chance to say, "We've got a little issue with the apartment."

Oh, no.

But it wasn't a bad thing at all, except for a brief delay in when I'll move in.  JoLee went on to explain that the apartment would not be ready until Friday, June the 9th, three days after my initial move-in date.  I told her that would be fine, it was not a really big deal, 'cos I knew Janice wouldn't mind me staying a few extra days. That's when JoLee told me that the property manager had taken off the pet deposit, as well as the monthly pet rent, for one of the furkids, to make up for any inconvenience the delay might have caused me.

But wait, there's more!  Because my move-in date changed, I had to contact the power company and AT&T to change my utilities transfer and Internet installation date.  It was whilst chatting with an agent at ATT.com, it was revealed that the price of $30 the first agent I'd spoken with had locked in for me had not actually been locked in, and I was designated in the system to be paying $40 a month for Internet, after paying my $99 installation fee.  

Oh, no.

But the agent told me he could correct the mistake, that my promised price was good.  The problem was, the system wouldn't let him change anything about the order, so he had to cancel it.  That's when things got really good.  Not only did he place me a new order for the 9th of June, but he also waived the installation fee, for the inconvenience of the botched first order!  I have confirmation of the new arrangements in email and chat.

Thanks to these folks wanting to ensure I wasn't upset about [not] being inconvenienced, I now have fundage for groceries in June (and stuff to cook them in and eat them on, thanks to my Tribe, you know who you are!), barring any unforeseen horror stories lurking in the shadows of chance.

tinhuviel: (Default)

From my GoFundMe Campaign:

A short, but dire, update today.

I woke up this morning to find copious amounts of blood in Smidgen's litter pan. She must get to the veterinarian as soon as possible.

Please help me help my child.

tinhuviel: (Star Trek)

Before I begin writing this, I want to make something abundantly clear: I am not actively suicidal. Suicidal Ideation is one of many joyful experiences served up by Depressive Disorder. So, let's get that straight. No need to call emergency services. I just need to purge all of this, so it doesn't go any further than unbidden flash thoughts.

After six hours of fitful sleep, my first thought when I woke up this morning was, "I'm thin enough now, I could walk to Rogers Bridge with Smidgen and Toby, and we could jump in the Middle Tyger River. That way, we'd never be a burden or worry to anyone ever again, least of all ourselves."

Off and on yesterday, as the funds just poured out for very damned little, I caught myself considering the peace oblivion would bring.  I have placed strain on my family out here, and I'm being a pest to my friends and Tribe for rides and money.  I've drug my two homebody furbabies all over hell and half creation to establish a relationship with my mother that never was meant to be.  I can't eat properly, I'm always in pain, and honestly, I'm lonely.  I feel like I've lost the ability to be (or act) normal in a social situation.

I've felt more like a throwaway than I have in months. And I know it's that damned chemical imbalance in my brain interacting with the uncertainty of my future, but being intellectually aware of what's causing it does not prevent it or alleviate it.  I just have to work through it.

It truly is like having a monster living in your mind and, despite your efforts to stop it, it just continues to gnaw away at your will to keep the thing at bay.  No one needs or wants a life in upheaval but, when it happens to someone like me, it can be a life-threatening situation.  You become a threat to yourself.  That's why so many people I know who have Depressive Disorder are hardcore about keeping certain routines.  If you find a routine that brings you peace and doesn't rock your psychological boat, you're going to hold on to it with a fierce passion and, if that routine is upset, it can send you into a tailspin.

I'm in that tailspin right now, and I'm doing my best to pull up.

But I'm scared.  And my feelings about losing Aunt Tudi aren't even trying to hide right under the surface. And it's gonna get worse before it gets better, because I'm going to have to bunk with Blake in the old house until I can find another place to live, which means she'll be calling me in the night.  And it's that main thing that drove me to so much self-destructive behaviour before I left for California.  To be back there even for one day is almost unbearable to imagine, but it's going to happen whether I want it to or not.

I feel like my solar plexus has turned into a gordian knot, and my heart is beating funny.  My entire body is responding to the stress and depression, and I'm afraid I'm going to fall ill, when that's the last damned thing I need right now.  I've already got a urinary tract infection that I'm trying to beat on my own, because I can't afford an urgent care right now.

What's worse is Smidgen's back leg weakness has magnified.  I'm hoping it's just arthritis and the stress of travel making it worse, but she's old and I'm afraid it might be something more serious.  And I can't take her to the vet.  Of course, my mind instantly went there - that I'm going to watch her die because I was too sorry to take care of her.  Why do I deserve to live when I can't properly make the lives of those I love have some measure of quality?  If Smidgen dies, I am going to be beyond devastated, especially if I find out I could have prevented it somehow, if I had only done more or been more.

My helplessness cannot be measured.  I'm doing everything within my power, including writing this, to make sure hopelessness doesn't also get to that point, because I'm not sure I'll survive it.

tinhuviel: (Darth Geek)

After spending almost four years in San Diego, I have returned home to the South, and am actively hunting for a home in Asheville, North Carolina, my home town.  Despite my efforts to avoid this, I’m setting up this account to raise funds to help me swiftly find and pay for a place to live.  I’m aiming to obtain at least $1000, hopefully within the next week, which will cover travel costs accrued from searching, and most of a security deposit for a home.  I initially had enough money to make the move without incident, but my original plans fell through, and my last minute arrangements cost me $2000 that I had not expected to spend; rather, it was the nest egg I had to help me get around to find a domicile.  Now that that’s gone, I have had no choice but to turn to GoFundMe and friends.  So, if you can spare anything at all, it would be deeply appreciated.  I promise I will be updating on how the money is used and when I am settled in my new home.  To visit my campaign, you need only click on the screen cap below, or right here. Thank you in advance!



Apr. 27th, 2017 08:02 pm
tinhuviel: (Default)

They say that home is where the heart is. If that's the case, I'm headed home no later than the 9th of May, where I shall find my heart resting in the mists of the Smoky Mountains.

At 6:30 this morning, my phone rang.  It was Janice. She had heard from the lawyer, who told her that a Tracy Evans had a $14,000.00 lien on her name, and had been so since 2009. He told Janice that he'd need my social security number to compare with his records, to verify that the Tracy Evans in question was not, in fact, me. Well, I'd already read up on Ms. Evans when I did my own documents search at the Clerk of Court's website. This Tracy lives in Boiling Springs, a town I've only visited like 6 times total. Anyway, I gave her my social security number and we hung up so she could provide the info to her lawyer.

About 15 minutes later, my phone rang again, and it was Janice, again.  The lawyer did his comparison dealio, confirming that my name is in the clear. She said that, if she could get Johnna to watch Uncle Michael long enough for her to dash up to Duncan, she would go ahead and transfer the money to my account.

Waves of relief washed over me in that instance! I continued to get ready and head in to the outpatient program, and it took me hardly any time at all, thanks to that bounce that suddenly showed up in my step! My fellow outpatient attendees were all super jacked at my good news, but none more so than I!  By the time IOP was completed for the day, I checked my bank to find the transfer of funds was in process. Tomorrow, it should be available, so I can proceed with the items I need to purchase for the move, as well as get my plane tickets and maybe even pack up one big box of my stuff and ship it on to Janice ahead of myself and the beasties.

Needless to say, I have offered up multitudinous thanks to the Paniverse*, the Goddess, Elementals, and any other unseen critters who were in attendance at my big honkin' fundage acquisition magickal working, the first spellwork I had attempted since 2009. I deconstructed my money mojo bag, clearing any stones I'd used, and scattering the herbs, roots, and wax beneath the eucalyptus tree.  I buried the bag, along with the parchment stating my intent and need, at the base of the tree.  I did the same with the herbal sachet, scattering the herbs, giving thanks, and burying the bag.  I feel more at peace right now than I have since before 2011.  And it's not just relief at now having the money to move, no, it's a deeper peace than mere relief.  It's the peace one feels when they know in the very marrow of their bones, that the path they are taking is the right one, because everything occurring whilst on that path happens at exactly the right time, or happens in spite of all improbability.  It's the peace of recognising synchronicity and welcoming it into your life.  The kind of peace you experience when you return home, or know you will be.  That is the peace I am feeling, and it is marvelous in every way.

There is a shit tonne of stuff I need to get done, and I have little time left in which to do it.  But I shall prevail! After spending two weeks barely holding myself together from stress and worry, I feel there is nothing I can't do at this time and place in my life.  Of course, I'm not stupid enough to put that to the test.


*Kind of like the One Ring of universes, the Paniverse is all verses, and the one reality that can dictate all others that reside within it.
tinhuviel: (Here is the news!)
Dancing-Groot.gifVery early this morning, I checked my GoFundMe page and, upon seeing the current amount in my account, I turned into Groot.

In a measley six days, my GoFundMe campaign of shameless begging for help so I can get through  my upcoming surgery and post-op expenses, a merry band of do-gooders surpassed my goal of $500.  Even though it doesn't appear to be so, I have just over $525 for the upcoming health and shelter gauntlet.  A couple of folks opted to use PayPal instead of the GoFundMe site; thus, the difference.

As I said when I originally posted my campaign, $500 will prevent my going into any more deficit and will help set Toby and Smidgen up with their proper medications and food for the duration of my absence.  It will also pay my portion of the surgery bill, which is $264, gas for Angie's car and any other expenses accrued by my presence in her home.  It's still gonna be an uber-tight squeeze, so I'm keeping the campaign up until Monday morning, right before I head out to the surgery center.


To all of you who contributed to this cause, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I get distressed when I have to ask for help, especially financially.  It stems from my childhood almost instantly after the parental units divorced.

Essentially homeless with nothing but the clothes on my back, I found myself, along with Aunt Tudi and Granny, at the mercy of others who openly resented the situation in which we all found ourselves.  Because of that, self-suffiency was of the utmost importance to me.  Having my health pack its bags and leave town irreparably damaged that self-suffiency.


But you guys didn't grouse at me or make me feel like Heel #1 for asking for help.  You just helped, and that's a gift whose importance I can't properly express.  All I can do is say thank you, and file this experience in my Why Tribe Is More Cherished Than Family.

So, with all that said, please enjoy the dancing Moss and Roy, as well as the inimitable James Stewart and Donna Reed dancing as though the cops are shooting at their feet.  This is a perfect example of how y'all have made me feel the past few days.

Again, thank you.  Someday, and I'd rather it be sooner than later, I hope I can help all of you in some capacity.  It would be the very least I could do.

tinhuviel: (Doomsday Clock)


Does anyone else remember that movie from the 70s, Thank God It's Friday!? It featured Donna Summer singing her absolute best song, in my opinion, 'Last Dance' and co-starred a very young, very Elfin Jeff Goldblum.

What does this have to do with my fundraiser? Nothing, really. I do know, though, if I evergot to compete on Jeopardy, I wouldn't have to have a fundraiser, because I have so much useless information in my head, I would rival Ken Jennings *and* Watson. My mad useless trivia skillz would send me home with all kinds fundage, I promise you that.

We're a little over 1/5 of the way to my goal, which not only gives me a 1/5th more peace of mind than I had starting this up, but also confirms for me that, even though our species collectively sucks, we do have the potential to incline toward helping one another and our fellow Earthlings, if we are capable of doing so. The world needs more people like you guys and fewer like Pat Robertson. I went yesterday to get my prescription refills, supplies for Smidgen and Toby, yoghurt for the antibiotic I'm currently taking,enough food and beverage (juice and water) to hopefully do me 'til the 14th, and some cleaning supplies. I paid the mother unit the money I owed her and also paid my rent. All of it came to more than I'd hoped, so what you guys have sent me so far is already a couple of deep breaths of relief.

As it stands right now, I have three appointments next week. One is for an EEG with sleep deprivation on Tuesday morning. Later that afternoon, I have my pre-op appointment with Dr. Hess, at which time I will learn more about any supplies I need to have to help with a swift recovery. I then have an appointment with my pain management doctor, who has to be the one to handle my after-care pain program. You can't have two doctors throwing such meds at you. You could end up in a jail cell with your doctors for committing such a heinous crime.

My bus pass is good until the 24th of the month, so that's one less worry, since I don't think I'll be physically able to deal with transit until at least a month after the surgery. The friend I'm staying with is gonna take me to post-op doc visits, then the mother unit will take over that task when I return to the house. I have no other health-related activities in which I must participate for the rest of the month. So, I guess that's it for now. Again, thank you generous souls who have contributed so far. I don't deserve the friends I have and I hope to someday return your kindness in the best way I can, to help make your lives better in some important way. Please pass my fundraiser on to all your pals. Once you have to resort to setting up a GoFundMe in order to scrape by, pride goes out the window, so it will not bother me at all if you spread the news around like butter on bread. As I said, the $500 is the bare minimum I need to just get by without being a further burden to the mother unit or placing Smidgen and Toby in a situation where they don't have the food or medications they need. It's not a financial cushion, but I don't think you should use a site like this as a cushion. It should be a legitimate barebones need. With just this, I expect to be in another deficit long before September ends, but it will be a deficit that I can feasibly claw myself out of. Without the help, the hole will just get bigger and deeper which, in turn, will put me in the position of feeling more like a leech and useless person than I already do, by individuals who have no right or reason to impose their feelings on the matter. You're helping lift me, Smidge, and Toby up instead of watching us be torn down. I'll never forget your generosity and friendship. I'll update again soon.


If you're wondering what the heck this is all about, click the eyeballs you see in provided widget below. Should you choose to help me out, just know I really appreciate it, as does Smidgen and Toby. Ta!

tinhuviel: (Doomsday Clock)

Ever wonder what pre-surgery stress looks like when you know you won't have enough money to cover surgery-related expenses after you wake up? It looks like this screen-cap of Ren Höek from the old show Ren & Stimpy.

On September 14th, I'm going to be having a pretty major surgery that dictates I have at least 10 days of recovery without a steroid-bloated dog and a 14 pound monster cat vying for top spot on my abdomen, which is the surgery site.

As a result, I'm having to spend my recovery time away from home, which means I'll essentially be trying to maintain two homes for at least 1/3 of the month. Since May, I have been fighting my way through the red tape of student loan disability discharge after my monthly fixed income started getting garnished over $200 a month, leaving me in a deficit every month since.

That, combined with the extra expenses I am facing with co-pays, surgery-related medications and extra doctor visits, pulling my weight with my friend and her daughter, who are letting me camp out at their home during the recovery process, and providing proper finances to my mother and roommate, so they can take care of my cat and dog in my absence, means I'm probably going to run out of money very shortly after the 14th. If that happens, I will probably end up doing without medicines and any after-care therapies I might need to successfully recover, which will only add to my health and financial problems in the future.

I've done the calculations and I'm figuring at the bare minimum, I could scrape by and not be a burden to anyone with my transportation, food, an pet maintenance needs, if I could raise $500. Whatever you can do to help with this would be appreciated beyond my ability to properly express.

Even if I don't reach my $500 goal, anything will help at this point, so please give it some thought and, if you think I'm worth the gamble, click the appropriate buttons.

Thanks for reading!

tinhuviel: (Asthma Hound Chihuahua)

Can we say "screwed," boys and girls? I thought so!

I just talked to the vet and got the good/bad news. The good news is that he has no parasites and no current lung or heart issues. There was evidence that he did have pneumonia at some point, but that is not the issue causing Toby's coughing. The doc suggested it may be allergies, since she couldn't get him to cough at all when he stayed the day at the office last week. She asked about what part of the house he spent most of his time in, and what contact he had with other animals. I told her Smidgen was with him almost all the time, but he'd never had any allergic reaction to her before. When I mentioned Syd and Nancy, though, she seemed pretty certain we'd found the allergy culprit.

The problem is, he can't be kept away from Syd & Nancy, since they live in my room with Toby, Smidgen, and me, and there are other birds throughout the house, so it wouldn't matter where he is.

She suggested that Syd and Nancy be moved to a different part of the house. That isn't an option in the current situation. She then suggested that I get a Hepa filter for the room. It occurred to me, then, that Toby didn't start the chronic coughing until I turned the A/C off for the season. I asked if I should at least turn that on the fan function until I could get the filter, and she said that would probably help immensely. So the A/C fan is on, despite Matt informing me that the electric bill went down $300 the month the Mother Unit and I turned off our A/C units.

Not only am I going to have to purchase an expensive filter, I'm going to have to pay at least $200 for electricity. Either that, or be made to feel like the dead beat I obviously am.

Toby's boot-scooting, which has not diminished since the vet visit, is not due to any parasites, nor the bump the doc treated. She asked if I had changed his food, which I had, because he has a problem tooth, and I was trying to make it easier for him to eat. As of today, though, I have to give him the food he had been eating for a couple of years and, when it comes in the mail from Amazon, add the vitamin-enriched flavour enhancing gravy to let it soften a little. That means the food I've bought for him for the month can't be given to him.

Not even a third of the month has passed and I'm already broke as fuck. I don't know what I'm going to do... The one thing I can not do is fail to be a proper guardian to my little man. If I have to go hungry to make sure he's okay, then so be it. I throw up half of what I eat anyway, so why bother? Waste not, want not.


On a lighter, but related, note, I never thought I'd have an asthma hound chihuahua in my life, but sometimes - most of the time - life can prove you wrong.

August 2017

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