Tinhuviel Artanis

Owl

2019-02-26T02:30:59Z

comments

Dismantling

2019-02-22T00:25:42Z

I have stuff in real life and online that I never interact with or touch. For the past few years, I've sporadically let go of things and people that I -for things - I have no longer interest in or - for people - with whom I have no contact. But, lately, I've been purging.

I've gotten rid of most of my "about" information on Facebook and unfriended about half of the folks there, most of whom have little to no presence online, so I doubt they'll even notice. I'm not purging anyone here, because I don't come here often and Dreamwidth isn't at interactive-friendly as Live Journal was.

I'm giving away my collectors' addition of The Lord of the Rings, because it belongs on a shelf and treated with love, not sitting in a box, untouched and unseen.

Today, I found someone willing to take my portable oak altar.

I've already sent some of the rare Shriekback collectibles to a fellow Shriek fan who deserves them more than I ever did.

Next on my agenda is finding someone who is keen on having a load of cool DVDs and CDs. I know they're on the verge of being obsolete but, for now, they're still viable and will hopefully make someone happy.

It feels really good to shed myself of all this extra baggage. I feel like Inanna, descending into the Underworld. Will I gain wisdom, once I've reached my destination? I don't know. I doubt anyone or anything knows. And I doubt I'll be able to tell anyone when the time comes.

comments

Day in the Life

2019-02-01T18:42:11Z

I had to go out today. One of my few trips each month, always to Walmart, sometimes to a doctor. Today was Walmart. I barely made it through the store. I got so breathless, and my neck just ached. I could barely stand upright, and I used the cart most of the time to keep standing. At one point, my eyes got all spotty and I knew I was about to pass out, but didn't. By the time I checked out, I was overwhelmed with nausea, and actually had to rush outside and hurl the little bit of coffee I'd drunk an hour earlier. Fun Fun Fun. It's probably my anaemia, which has gotten worse. I know the doctor is going to try to get me to take iron, but I ended up having to suffer rectal reconstruction surgery because the iron I was taking for my condition resulted in my being ripped apart by monster feces. That's not happening again. I'd rather collapse in Walmart than enjoy the horrors of flambodious butthole surgery.

On the way to Walmart, some therapy place in Greenville called. My new doctor had referred me to them, because I was honest about my suicidal ideation. I stopped that train pronto. The copay is $40 a visit, and they recommend two visits a month. Silly dude who called me: don't you know only the well-off can get mental health assistance in Murica? Besides, I know the routine by now, since I've been playing that particular game sinc Aunt Tudi died. Anyway, his voice full of concern, psych dude brought up the suicidal ideation and that I'd told the doctor I thought about it every day. I informed him, I'd been doing that since 2011 and I was still here. Everyone's gotta have a fucking hobby, right? He then asked if I would come in for an assessment. NOPE. I told him that I went in for an assessment once and was forced to go into the hospital. I'm not going down that road. There's no point.

Toby is getting worse. I'm trying him on Benadryl to see if helps his cough at all. If I don't see any improvement in his overall health, I'm taking Tobes to Dr. Patch so that he can cross over peacefully. It's gonna be particularly hard, since I know this is the last time I'll see Doc and the crew. No being should be forced to just linger in a world of nothing but pain and illness, with no reprieve or hope of one. It'll be my last act of kindness to Toby, my final fur friend. And it'll be my last act of kindness to myself.

comments

2019

2019-01-10T15:42:12Z

This is going to be a different year.

Very different.

Toby is quite unwell, probably because he's honestly quite old. I don't know how old he is, considering he is a rescue dog, but I'm estimating he's going on 12 years old. He's got bad cataracts, and his hearing is going. He also coughs constantly, which I know is more than uncomfortable for him. But he's also been having seizures. They're few and far between but, since I have seizures myself, I know that's no way to live. I can't afford to take him to the vet and pay for whatever treatments will stave off the inevitability of his death, so I'm saving up for euthanasia.

When this happens, I will be without an animal companion for the first time since 1981.

I won't be getting another one.

My belief has always been that, if you can't afford to properly take care of all your family members, "pets" included, you shouldn't take on new members. It's one of the reasons I support abortion, and the main reason I will not adopt another cat, dog, hedgehog, fish, bird, or llama. Another consideration is my health. It's not getting any better, to say the least, and a fur friend deserves better than someone who barely gets out of bet more often than I'd care to admit.

I'm still in the process of sizing up my life, current situation, and possible future situations. While others dream while never using the tools at their fingertips, I look around to find no more tools for me to utilise, so I've chosen pragmatism over folly, because I have never liked to dream without an arsenal at hand to achieve those dreams. Maybe it's a Virgo thing, maybe it's a holdover from my childhood, where I watched the dreamers in my family fall victim to their dreams, and become delusional shells.

I need to stay true to myself, my beliefs, my experience, and my convictions.

After examining the events of the past few years, I've reduced the litmus test to the path I've chosen to take from hereon to this: Does this make any relevant difference to anything, and will it? If the answer to that question is "no", I will disregard the issue before me, whatever or whomever it is.

I was born into a world that was preset to reject me. I've made some friends over the years, but more acquaintances than anything. I am an afterthought to most, and a mild, forgettable entertainment to a few more. When I was younger, I had hoped to change that, and was bothered to think that my efforts to change my role in this world would amount to nothing. I'm older and wiser now. And I've come to realise that nothing, nothing, ever really changes but one's own beliefs and ethics. You have to stay true to those, and fuck everything and everyone else.

That said, in 2019, I'm no longer writing. For decades, I wrote for two primary reasons: to get the stories rambling around in my head onto paper and to bring others some kind of happiness with those stories. To a degree, I believe I succeeded with my fanfic and The Vampire Relics. But the stories have stopped telling themselves to me. Hell, even Cadmus has gone to ground. Ever since the 2016 Presidential election, my ability to write - anything - came to an abrupt halt. I've been too consumed with fear and outrage to even properly function as a writer, even as a blogger. There have been short periods where that wasn't the case, but they are so brief (an hour here, a few minutes there), there do nothing but serve to frustrate, so why bother? I'm distressed enough as is, I don't need any more stress by trying force something that will not happen.

Facebook. I tried to leave Facebook in 2017, and ended up in jail as a result. So I went back, but I rarely post anything personal over there. As far as I'm concerned, Facebook is a tool to share political opinions, jokes, and memes, pretty much as a de facto welfare check, so there won't be any coming to my door. But my connection to Facebook ends there. It's not important. Nothing is.

Really, the only thing that makes me feel even remotely alive now, is the momentary rage I feel at what's happening to my country. But I can't even volunteer, protest, or do anything of meaning to try to change it. The only thing I look forward to, is seeing that orange Fascist bastard get ousted from Washington DC and, hopefully, thrown in prison, but then I stop to think that he'll only be replaced with something worse eventually. It never ends. But the churning in my guts about it is wearing me down, and I feel that 2019 will find me looking at the mess from a cosmic point of view, and sinking into a comfortable ambivalence. Of course, that doesn't mean I won't drop my connection with anyone I discover is a Trumpist, friend or no. I've long been in the process of withdrawing from others, so being outed as a Trumpist will only speed up what's bound to eventually happen. If you want rid of me quickly, go MAGA on me, and we'll seal the deal.

I'd like to talk about other "big changes" in 2019, but my life is so insular, boring, and unchanging big changes can't really happen, now can they?

comments

Passionless

2018-10-27T23:12:00Z

In the past few months, I've come to the realisation that my passion for everything in this world adds up to exactly zero. I've long had a litmus test that, if there was a song - most-usually something from Shriekback - that has yet to be heard, or a movie or book that has not been released, that I find myself even remotely anticipating, there was still something left for me to cling to.

There is nothing now.

I just find myself waiting to tie up loose ends so I can exit an existence that holds no joy, much less any shred of solace or resolve. I'm waiting to vote in November, and I'm waiting for Toby, who is old and in poor health, and whom I cannot take to the doctor, to (hopefully) pass as peacefully and painlessly as possible.

The world is meant for worthier souls, for those who have something, anything, to contribute. I'm told in a myriad of ways that I am a redundancy. I don't give a shit what others think of me. I thumb my nose at those who believe the world would be better off without me and those like me; however, I am not a fan of discomfort and joylessness.

Thanks to botched dentures, I've eaten nothing but cottage cheese and mashed potatoes for three years. My insomnia is as bad as ever, Aunt Tudi's voice loud and in my face every night. There's no position I can get in that allows me a modicum of physical comfort. My seizures are now affecting my bladder and bowels. Everything bores me. The only emotion I can honestly say I can easily identify is rage, which is no way to live.

Everyone deserves at least a little bit of peace in their lives. And everyone has a right to pursue that peace in the manner afforded them. If another tries to take that away, what kind of monster is s/he? Sometimes, the highest expression of love and respect is honouring the needs of their friends and family. Do you have that kind of honour, or are you as selfish as almost every other human?

comments

Separation

2018-06-21T19:56:06Z

When I was five years old, my parents split acrimoniously. The Father Unit did not handle it well at all, given his mental health issues. The Mother Unit was almost instantly out of the picture for a variety of reasons. The good thing was that I had bonded with Aunt Tudi, in particular, and with Granny. They were the ones who spirited me away from the house when the shit hit the fan. They were the ones who comforted me in the following days. But, because the Father Unit was my biological parent, his rights were considered before anyone else's, and he got custody of me for two weeks. I remember every detail of being taken from Aunt Tudi and Granny, of sitting in the back of the station wagon, my hands pressed against the window, weeping from a broken heart, and abject terror. I didn't know what was going on. My short life was in a shambles, and I desperately looked for the crimes I had committed to deserve this punishment. For the duration of my time with Daddy, he did not allow me to see Aunt Tudi and Granny, even though we drove over there four times over the course of two weeks. He made me stay in the car. My evenings consisted of his railing against Mama, and me counting the woven threads in the back of the couch. I cite this as the beginning of my OCPD where, to this day, I catch myself counting inconsequential things, just because. I saw Mama once during this time. He took me to where she was staying, and I begged her to come back, just to make things normal again. Obviously, that didn't happen. On the way back home from that visit, my dad got to crying so hard listening to Lobo's "Me & You & a Dog Named Boo", he lost control of the vehicle, and we almost had a fatal car accident. Honestly, I still wish we had.

Even though things turned out okay - my dad got some psych help, and I was returned to Aunt Tudi and Granny, who eventually adopted me - that separation and the associated crises endured at that time have clung to me like an undead skin of mistrust and isolation. My experience with other humans over the years only served to compound my feeling of separateness and, to this day, I am very aware of my walking wounded status, stemming from this profound upheaval in my life. Even my relationship with David is being affected, because I can't bring myself to let all my walls down. Honestly, I am not even sure I know how to pull them down anymore.

Why do I write about this, you may ask. I write about it, because I see over 2000 kids who, at the age of 50, will probably be struggling to act "normally" in a supposedly "normal" society, when their sense of normal was eradicated at their most vulnerable. This has nothing to do with politics, with social issues, or even human rights. It's deeper than that. What the Trump administration has done is damage the souls and spirits of the least of our species. It wasn't done because of mental/emotional lack of judgment, like with my dad, but with intention. How many of these kids, if they grow to be my age, look back at this time in their lives and wish they had perished on the journey to America, just like I do thinking back to that car ride from visiting Mama?

This isn't unethical behaviour. This isn't inhumane. This isn't even criminal. It is the very definition of sin and, if there is a god and he has a hell, it is my sincerest wish to watch every one of the perpetrators and supporters of this atrocity bust those gates wide open to infest the only place fit for them.

The End.

comments

Sexist Behaviour

2018-02-11T14:01:12Z

The other day, David and I went to Wine Express to get some Irish Cream and Sangria. They didn't have his brand of Sangria, however, so the only thing we got was the Irish Cream, for which I was springing. He found his brand at Publix a short while later. Anyway, we went to the counter to check out, and I handed the guy my debit card and ID. He barely looked at me, but carried on polite small talk with David. Once my card cleared, he handed it to David, and said, "You have a good day, sir." It was as though it pained him to even acknowledge my presence. I was so taken aback, I didn't point out the blatant rudeness then, but I fully intend on going back there to buy something else, when I can afford it. If the same thing happens again, I'm making a scene, getting an apology, and maybe even some free product. Fuck that shit.

comments

Purveyor of Surveys

2018-02-06T14:36:09Z

Yet another one.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? It's been a while. I can't remember.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not anymore.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Tomato.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I've never been hungry enough to grow my own meat.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? That's a good question.
DO YOU USE SARCASM? I speak it fluently.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Affirmative.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Only if Donald Trump were on the platform with me and it was the only way to get the fuck away from him.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Grape Nuts.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I wear Birkenstocks.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Ben & Jerry's Wavy Gravy
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? What symbols they may be wearing.
RED OR PINK? Red. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My health.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Aunt Tudi.
DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? It'd be nice to see others' answers, but it's not a major thing.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Grey pants, black socks.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? CNN streaming.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Crimson.
FAVORITE SMELLS? Egyptian Musk, Frankincense, Gasoline, Vick's Vaporub, Wood fire.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The Harpist.
DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? It wasn't sent to me.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Martial Arts and Winter Sports.
HAIR COLOR? Brown
EYE COLOR? Silver blue.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.
FAVORITE FOOD? Potatoes.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies. There's no such thing as a happy ending.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Boogie Nights.
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Plaid.

comments

Hair Yesterday, Gone Today

2018-02-05T18:15:00Z

Having been about a month overdue for a haircut, I decided to try the salon at Walmart, since I needed to go there anyway to get my month's supplies and a handful of groceries.

This was a mistake. A big one.

Despite my showing the stylist a picture of my regular haircut, and giving detailed descriptions of what I wanted - a combination Pixie/Boy cut - she pretty much buzzed me everywhere except right in front. The hair on the crown of my head is so short, it will not lie down. I've got tufts of hair sticking out everywhere, and the overall shape of the cut makes my head look funny as hell.

I take comfort in the fact that it will grow out, and I won't have to get another haircut for an extra month, but I'm also more than a little irked that I'm going to have go out in public looking like I've got a serious case of radiation poisoning.

What the hell is up with a stylist who botches a 'do even after being given visual and verbal guides? Needless to say, I won't be going back to Walmart for my hair-cutting needs. Sure, it was relatively cheap, but the cut lives up to the old adage, you get what you pay for. Apparently, I paid for Full Follicle Massacre.

Hell, I may just surrender to the Mad Maxian style, get me some mousse, and spike my hair up even more until it grows out enough to lie down on its own. For now, though, I'm looking forward to every day in February being a fucking bad hair day.

comments

Brighid

2018-01-25T21:54:40Z

In commemoration of swift-approaching Imbolc.

BRIGHID

Passing quietly through the Forest of Ages
In Her poorly-patched cloak, held together by threads,
She is walking the pathways of her ancient people,
Where all the cloakmakers are fearful to tread.

And She whispers Her poetry in the ears of the Songchild
Teaches of wood to the Child of the Tree
She bestows healing secrets to the Herbchild and Rootchild
And guards for the Holychild, Her own mystery.

The cloakmakers cover her with their own shadow
But their raiment of ignorance does not hide the need
Of her people who see her not as cloakéd Saint Bridget,
But the silver-clad triple divinity, Brighid.

~24 June, 1992

comments

Selkie

2018-01-24T21:26:29Z

So this was inspired by Brian Froud and Dave Matthews. You figure it out.

Selkie
The soul of the Selkie I see in your eyes,
The depths of the oceans, the dreams of the skies,
The mystery of ages, the holiest strains of
The chants of the sages in November rains.

On cliffs above Greymere I seek out your song,
Weaving an ebb tide and floating on foam.
You answer me graciously with storm clouds and wind,
And the music of nature your sea lions send.

So beautiful are you, O Son of the Sea!
Calling the wave forth to crash into me.
The spirit, the vision, the Magick I hear
For the love of the Selkie on the Cliffs of Greymere.

~ 11 November, 1996

comments

New World Order (a crappy poem with a spooky prophecy)

2018-01-24T20:36:04Z

I found some of my old poetry books, and came across this one poem, dated January 12, 1995. Uh...

NEW WORLD ORDER
I have seen the future, it's hands raised in salute
to an ancient, evil power dressed in a business suit.
And I heard the people choking on the fumes of industry
as the freshly-fired ovens burned away diversity.

I have seen the future in the eyes of every child
denied their human dignity, and destined to grow wild
in the streets of dying cities, in their spirits, hearts, and minds,
in the nightmares of their music, brutal acts of every kind.

I have seen the future and its endless stain of slums,
where the law men batter citizens and make them worship guns.
I see us moving toward it now with every new disgrace.
Big Brother builds a New World for his victims to embrace.

How long before the cameras see us staring at ourselves
and screaming at the ghosts we see for fear they come from Hell?
Perhaps that's where we're going.
Perhaps that's what I dread.
In the New World Order, we'll be jealous of the dead.

12 January, 1995

comments

Shriekback Live in the US

2018-01-24T18:30:49Z

It’s been about a year since we launched our campaign to haul Shriekback out of the sanctuary of the studio and back under the bright lights of the stage. Our Kickstarter pledgers responded magnificently, enabling us to exceed our original Phase 1 target and giving us the resources to assemble our 8-piece dream-team, fine tune it through intensive rehearsals and start delivering live shows that we and our loyal supporters can feel proud to be part of. We had a resounding success at London’s Shepherd’s Bush Empire and have taken our first steps into Europe. So far, so good…

Now, though, it’s time for Phase 2, which is turning out to be bigger than we thought. Getting an 8-piece band to America, with all the visa, travel and accommodation that that entails, is proving to be jaw-droppingly expensive. Once more, and more than ever, we need your help to deliver this crucial part of our long-term plan. Our intention is to be playing in America in June, on a short but wide-ranging tour that will enable as many of you as possible to see the band in action. Dates are yet to be finalised, but it is likely that we’ll be playing about six shows, split between the east and west coasts with a couple in between. Apologies to all our Canadian friends but we just couldn't get the fees there. Next time, we hope.

We know this is a Big Ask and we want your contributions to go as far as possible. To do this, we want to offer rewards that are not so much based on physical product (records and T-shirts, for example), as one lesson from our Phase 1 campaign was that manufacturing, shipping and other costs can eat up a big chunk of your generous contributions. Aside from rewards like exclusive downloads, we want, above all, to make this personal – entry to shows, backstage and other access, opportunities to spend time with the band: this is, after all, what the campaign is about – getting Shriekback to you.

When we started Phase 1 of this project, a year ago, we said “the riskiest part is the first part; there’s a lot of expensive inertia to overcome”. We’ve demonstrated that Shriekback Live in 2018 is a viable and exciting animal. However, it’s also a big and hungry one. We have achieved our first goal, which was to be able to function self-sufficiently as a live band in the UK and Europe. The next challenge is to take this beast to America, and, to be frank, it’s a much bigger challenge, economically, than we thought. We’ve looked at every way to deliver this large-scale payload as efficiently as we can; these are how the final numbers stack up. Yes, we’re asking a lot from you, but we believe in what we’re doing and, from what you’ve told us, we believe you want to see and hear it. So, how about it? What are you doing in June? Let’s go.

RISKS AND CHALLENGES
We think the last crowdfunded initiative speaks for itself. We have an experienced team and we've been doing this stuff for a while. Have no fear - if we get the cash, there will be joyous times ahead.

Please click on the image to go check out Shriekback's Kickstarter page to see their video about the proposed American concerts and to make a pledge for musical excellence today!

comments

Rainy Days and Thursdays

2018-01-11T16:34:28Z

Thursdays get me down. Why? Because they are the only day that feels like it should be Friday, but isn't, yet it is too late in the week to resign yourself to the bitter fate of what is called a "work week." Why do we enslave ourselves to the notion of such trivial and fabricated ideas?

The good news, however, is that it's raining. And the temperature is at a more sane level. Here's a look outside my window at approximately 11 AM, Eastern.

For quite a few days, the temperature never made it anywhere close to freezing during the warmest part of the day. As a result, David's well-water froze as if he lived on the moon Europa, which isn't too very far off from Fountain Inn. He's been collecting water from my pad, and showering here during this difficult time. One pipe near the well actually burst, but it wasn't a life-changing, bank-breaking ordeal, so he was lucky there.

I've been doing my laundry at his place but, obviously, no clothes were being washed during this deep freeze, so now I'm dealing with Chinese-laundry-level cleaning to do. Luckily, I'll be able to address that later on, since I'm heading for D's this afternoon. We're having a laundry-themed pyjama party that will end with his hauling my butt to the doctor tomorrow morning. I'm going to be harassing her for some topical stye ointment. Don't ask, just nod in agreement and move on. Whilst partying with dirty clothes, I'm guessing we'll finish up the movie, Splice. After that, maybe we'll check out some Riverdale. David seems to think it would behove me to visually ingest this television show. Since I used to really be into Archie Comics, and I've heard some nice dark things about this interpretation, I'm not at all averse to the suggestion. We shall see. I still need to catch him up on Breaking Bad, so there's that as well.

Not to mention he's gotten me started on building LEGOs. Fucking LEGOs. When I was a kid, I always wanted to get into LEGO, but we just couldn't afford it. Now, I'm 50, and I built my very first LEGO just the other night. One super-awesome Wonder Woman. I took a picture, but I got a message from D later, letting me know I'd forgotten her. I explained that I assumed he was just letting me put her together. Apparently, if you assemble a LEGO, it's yours. Do they imprint? Who knew?

Anyway, it's Thursday, and it's raining, so that makes it a good Thursday. Good Thursdays are rare. The only way this could be a better Thursday would be if Robert Mueller had Donald Trump, his family, and every last one of his allies and supporters arrested and publicly shamed. Guess that's too much to ask at this precise mo, though.

comments

Surveys and Pie Charts

2018-01-10T16:11:33Z

The subject may sound important and informed, but the reality is far different. Have a pie chart.
Now, let's get down to the nitty-gritty and do this survey thang.

HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5 feet, 5 inches.
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Silver-blue
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS AND / OR GLASSES? No, but I need to, desperately.
DO YOU WEAR BRACES? No.
WHAT IS YOUR FASHION STYLE? Hobbit.
WHEN WERE YOU BORN? 10 September
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 50
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? No.
WHAT KIND OF STUDENT WERE YOU? Dedicated.
WHAT WERE YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECTS? English and History
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES? Lord of the Rings, Fargo, Boogie Nights, Silence of the Lambs, Donnie Darko, Paul, Star Wars
WHAT ARE YOU FAVORITE PASTIMES? Honing my rage.
DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS? Who doesn't?
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB? Being paid to try out sleep aids.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED? Nope.
DO YOU WANT KIDS? HOW MANY? NONOHELLNO
HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED? Two.
WHAT WAS YOUR SCARIEST DREAM? Being eaten alive by a giant snake.
DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I'm guessing so.
YOUR PLAYLIST ON SHUFFLE AND WITHOUT SKIPPING LIST THE FIRST 15 SONGS

When the Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
Brand New Key - Melanie
Rhyme & Reason - Dave Matthews Band
Year of the Cat - Al Stewart
The Quick and the Daft - Electric Light Orchestra
Down Yn Ôl - Plethyn
The Dreamer - Ahrix
I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan
Flowers become Screens - Delerium
Call It Love - Poco
Learning to Fly - Ask for Joy
Between Two Points - The Glitch Mob
Veridis Quo - Daft Punk
I Feel You in My Soul - Nusound
Winning - Santana

comments

Great Great Grand Aunt Flora - Why I Rage

2018-01-05T04:12:53Z

Because she has a higher-tiered membership that allows her access to international records, Julie McLaughlin is being kind enough to assist me in building my Ancestry family tree. Tonight, she identified one of the individuals I knew had died in Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

I had always known I had relatives who had fallen victim to the wave of Nazism that enveloped much of Europe in the early 20th Century but, until now, I'd never been able to afford a name to these people. Honestly, other than Aunt Flora, I don't know if I have anymore casualties to the Holocaust. I hope not, but I don't know for certain at this time. And, to be realistic, I don't think anyone of European Jewish descent doesn't have at least one relative who ran afoul of Nazi hate-train in the early 20th Century.

What I do know, is that my support for groups like Antifa is not misguided. I have always been a keen proponent of Nazi-punching, not only because Nazis deserve punching - and so much more, but also because of my own deep-seated connection to the rotten fruits of Nazi labour. There is no such thing as a decent or "fine" - in the words of our Hitler-wannabe supreme leader Drumpf - Nazi. They are motherfucking psychopaths with an absence of anything remotely redeemable, and they deserve whatever they get in the public forum.

Records like this also drive my disgust for the ongoing conservative Israeli policy. It is as if the Jewish nation has learnt nothing from our own oppression, and seem hellbent on repeating the same atrocities that were visited upon our people, on the Arabic Palestinians. What goes around, comes around, Netanyahu. If we find ourselves in another Shoah, you and your ilk surely are one of the main reasons why. We need to break this cycle of oppression, lest it revisit us, this time most-deservedly.

Do I sound extreme? Yes. Do I rage at our current plight? HELL YES. Who wouldn't? It is time to either call a halt to this vicious cycle of hatred, or hasten the extinction of our species, so that the hatred is eradicated by proxy. Let the Earth heal and reclaim a natural order. The abomination of Shoah and atrocities like it, are a distinctly human aberration. We have the choice to rise above it, or surrender to the inevitability of our resultant extinction. The choice is ours. Let Flora, and those like her, guide your decisions. And let them be wise ones, for the love of god - or whatever.

comments

Charlie Brown versus Grumpy Cat

2018-01-04T18:28:42Z

Thanks to the slightly uncomfortable cold weather, D and I resorted to wearing hats to keep our brainpans from collecting permafrost. It turns out, such activity turns us into Pop Culture icons. For reference, please take a gander at Charlie's legendary Winter cap. As for my headgear, I'm thinking it speaks for itself.

comments

The Pronking Llama

2018-01-03T17:29:09Z

Over the years, I've tossed around various ideas, mainly to myself, of potential business ventures. My longtime favourite was The Granola Bar, a health-food coffee and gift shop. Well, no more. In a sublime moment of epiphany, I have found my business calling, in the form of the mighty, mighty llama, and its propensity for pronking. What? You don't know from pronking? Let me enlighten you. Check out this gif.

That is a llama pronking. Ain't he just cute as fuck?

Now, since I love All Things British, it only stands to reason that I would turn this adorable pastime into the name of a proper English pub. And, so it goes. All I need now is several hundred thousand dollars and some business-savvy partners to make my dream come true. So, who's on board? Who wants a piece of The Pronking Llama? I've already made the sign, so that's ninety percent of the battle fought and won, amirite?

comments

An Emboldened Survey

2018-01-02T17:19:21Z

Bold what applies;

I AM: outgoing, a sister, overwhelmed, helpful, kind, overweight, tall, caring, a shopaholic, energetic, hopeful, smart, over 18, religious, sexually active, a mother, a good singer, ugly, insecure, a natural blonde, a leader, shy, inquisitive, determined, thirsty, frustrated, registered to vote, independent, hungry, self-conscious, a hard worker, skinny, paranoid, in love, a college/uni student, a dreamer, a movie buff, usually happy, easily entertained, quiet, a daddy’s girl, a smoker, employed, happy with my life, anxious, a pothead, healthy, on a desktop.

I HAVE: an iphone, a laptop, anxiety, drugs, a tumblr, an addiction, a dog, my own car, a degree, a job, trust issues, a temper, a brother, a big house, blue eyes, a lot of clothes, a twin bed, a big family, netflix, to pee, odd taste in music, a large book collection, fast internet, a big imagination, my license, curly hair, a small butt, short hair, a messy room, acne, a phobia, big boobs, a medical condition, an awkward smile, some kind of collection, taken over 1,000 surveys, a personal blog that nobody sees but me, gotten lost while driving, been to warped tour, big feet, bills to pay, a lot of strong opinions, a pool, an xbox, a cold, a lot of music, more than two piercings.

I WANT: a boyfriend, more money, a better body, to adopt, to move out, a new computer, to lose weight, something I cannot have, food, a baby, my hair to grow out, a new life, to be more confident, a tattoo, fast food, alcohol, more friends, to go on vacation, to see a new movie coming out, to go shopping, a new phone, a piercing, concert tickets, someone to hang out with, to start working out, to be famous, to see a certain someone, more clothes, to donate blood, bigger boobs, someone to cuddle with, a job, smaller thighs, to learn how to play an instrument, my favorite band to release a new album, someone to love, a new pet, to go to sleep, to grow up, to change something about my personality, breakfast food, them to make a new pokemon game, a new ipod, a popsicle, to learn a new skill, to be more organized, to go to college, someone to bring me breakfast in bed.

I THINK: abortion is wrong, xanga is dying (it’s dead), I’ll die young, I’m a good person, too often, I’m going to hell, pickles are gross, a lot of popular things are overrated, God is real, people underestimate me, my taste in music is perfect, I need a new layout, I’m pretty responsible, gay marriage should be legal, I’m going to dye my hair soon, I’m funny, I’m going to make a huge decision soon, my parents hate me, I’m pretty, I have a mental disorder, I annoy people, something is seriously wrong with me, of better days, a lot of Disney Channel stars grow up to be trash, The Hunger Games is overrated, the best things in life are free, popular music is pretty awful, I could be a vegan, I’ll make a good mother, I spend too much money on clothes, I’m too good for guys my age, I worry too much, goths are scary, the survey community is dying, politics are stupid, foreign languages are interesting, hipsters are annoying, bolding surveys are the best, everything is better with cheese, Twilight is overrated, I will be alone forever, I might go to bed soon, I may try something new soon, I’m pretty boring, I may never stop taking surveys, McDonald’s is gross, celebrities are overpaid, people use me a lot, Valentine’s Day is a joke, nobody is truly original.

I LOVE: animals, shopping, cooking, going to concerts, jewelry,glitter, reading, bright colors, make up, taking pictures, hot showers, texting, going to the theater, children, anime, being girly, working out, my life, where I live, summer, fruit, candles, photography, eating, learning, rainy days, walking, painting my nails, doing my hair, music, xanga, facebook, feeling needed, getting comments, tumblr, helping others, volunteering, cuddling, chewing gum, youtube, dresses, touch screens, decorating, writing, finding money in my pockets, Comedy Central.

I HATE: cleaning, driving, big crowds, politics, religion, my period, musicals, talking on the phone, crying, fast food, going to the doctor, meat, vegetables, sitcoms, my body, my life, my parents, long fingernails, bad grammar, cocky people, being single, facial hair, having no signal, losing, working, doing the dishes, bugs, children, straight edge kids, racists, going to the dentist, going to school, arguing, hospitals, being pale, having scars, hot weather, wearing socks, listening to the radio, animal cruelty, having stubbly legs, stretched ears, wearing glasses, when nobody texts me back, anime, having nothing to do, when I have stray hairs stuck to my shirt, waiting, bad hair days.

comments

100 Question Survey from HELL

2018-01-02T15:33:36Z

Behold my official First Blog Post of 2018. In keeping with my eternal obsession with filling out useless surveys, my 2018 maiden voyage will feed that beast in fine fashion.

1 - Who was the last person you texted? xevokitty

2 - When is your birthday? 10 September.

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? Jesus.

4 - What sports do you play? Flambodious Butt-Walking.

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? Aki Dreaming

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? "The Promise" by When In Rome.

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? Neil deGrasse Tyson. He'd know what to do in such a situation.

8 - What do you feel right now? A tad chilly.

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? Super-rich milk chocolate.

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? Four, but one of those is on repeat.

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? To store all my Tim Roth Tutorials in one spot.

12 - Who is your favorite blogger? My journaling friends on LJ and Dreamwidth.

13 - Where do you want to be right now? England. Always England.

14 - What do you want to be in the future? Dead? I'll get some good sleep, finally.

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? When I lost Smidgen in July 2017.

16 - Are you happy? Happy-ish, I guess.

17 - Whom do you miss? Aunt Tudi.

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? Oh yeah!

19 - What was the best thing you were given? A second chance.

20 - Who was the last person who called you? David.

21 - What is your favorite dish? Anything having to do with potatoes.

22 - Who is your bestfriend? I really don't have one anymore.

23 - What is your biggest regret? Not being more patient with Aunt Tudi.

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? Nope.

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? Define crazy.

26 - Name someone pretty. Barry Andrews. Dude is a total Elf, and you can't tell me otherwise, so don't even try.

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? David.

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? Everything, but I do have a weakness for EDM.

29 - Are you over your past? NEVER!

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? Travis.

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? Someone who is not terrible and doesn't make me want to murder them.

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? Most of the time.

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? xevokitty

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? Jeans.

35 - How’s your heart? Doctor says it's strong, despite my efforts.

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? No.

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? Sure.

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? I wouldn't.

39 - Do you have any phobias? Myriapodophobia

40 - Did you try to change for a person? When I was young and dumb. Fuck that shit now.

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? The trip to England to Aunt Tudi.

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? I kinda have?

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood? This is trick question, isn't it?

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. Stephen King.

45 - Describe your dream date. No such thing.

46 - Describe your dream wedding. No such thing.

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? I've never gotten roses on Valentine's.

48 - Have you ever been kissed? Yes.

49 - How long is your longest relationship? Six years.

50 - Do you regret your past? Yes, parts of it.

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? I don't anyone else to do stupid shit.

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? Yes.

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? I'm a Sith, so what do you think?

54 - Are you a crybaby? Aw, HELL naw!

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? They have on occasion.

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? HAHAHAHAHA! yes.

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? Many things.

58 - Do you like getting hurt? Not emotionally.

59 - Does anyone hate you? Probably.

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? Who wrote this survey, Theresa Caputo? No.

61 - What hair color do you prefer? On others, dark brown and black. On myself, green.

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? My health.

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? I love my Tribe.

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Suicidal Ideation is a bit of a hobby.

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? I had issues with almost everyone in school.

66 - Can you live without internet? NO. NONONONONO.

67 - What’s the song that reminds you of your special someone? Stolen Kiss by Ronan Hardiman.

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears? I'm an expert.

69 - Are you crazy? Aren't we all?

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? Indeed, I have.

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? A casual one.

72 - Do you study hard? I never had to, for some reason.

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? Yes.

74 - Did you ever have a kiss under the moonlight? Yes.

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat? Yes.

76 - Did you have an accident last year? Other than falling repeatedly, no.

77 - What kind of person are you? Professional Misanthrope.

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? Yes, O yes.

79 - Have you ever been jealous? Once upon a time.

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? Unconditional, non-judgmental support.

81 - What are you thinking right now? How I'm kind of regretting filling this out now, but I refuse to quit.

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? Matt fucking Anderson.

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? 6 November, 2002.

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? Absolutely.

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? When do I not?

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? Who the hell hasn't?

87 - Do you have trust issues? HELL YES.

88 - Are you broken-hearted? I have been.

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? Serena Williams.

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? I am withholding judgment for now.

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? YES.

92 - Who do you want to marry? I don't believe in marriage.

93 - Do you believe in destiny? I do believe in destiny.

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? The more accurate statement would be "I already know my soulmate."

95 - How do you look right now? Like roadkill.

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? No.

97 - Have you found your true love? Is there really such a thing?

98 - What should you be doing right now? The Lambada.

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. Lewis Boyd.

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? No doubt.

It should be of note that I did not read through this survey before answering it in real time. This is how I prefer to do surveys, 'cos I think you get a more a honest, or at least a more entertaining, collection of responses. I may do a search later for a political survey, just for shits and giggles, 'cos I have the feeling my answers to something like that may set the roof on fire.

comments

IDGAF

2017-12-29T17:29:58Z

One of my crowning accomplishments of the past 20 years is achieving an almost Zen level of not giving a fuck. Sure, I still have my moments, and my biggest weakness is that O so magical dynamic duo of maximum angst, religion and politics, but everything and everyone else can just hop off to hell for all I care. This public service message has been brought to you by the letter F and this super-cool image of Santiago, giving no Vampiric fucks.

comments

2017 Survey

2017-12-29T12:03:48Z

Shamelessly yoinked from xevokitty .

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?
Finagled my own apartment.

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't have any. For 2018, I have some goals, or maybe a to-do list, but no resolutions.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I know of. I tend not to associate with breeders.

What countries did you visit?
South Carolina could be considered a country unto itself, but no, I guess I did not visit any countries this year.

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Teeth.

What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 26th, the New Moon, and when I rededicated myself to my spiritual path, after years of absence of heart.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting away from the toxic environment in which I lived in San Diego.

What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to save Smidgen.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Seizures. Fucking seizures. And the bruises that result. And migraines.

What was the best thing you bought?
My portable altar.

Whose behavior merited celebration this year?
My fellow Resistors.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Fucking Donald J. Trump. First, I was depressed. Then, I became appalled. Even though I'm still appalled, now I'm just generally angry as all Sith Hell.

Where did most of your money go?
ADSAP

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Hangin' with the Harpist, which is just bizarre in and of itself.

What song will always remind you of 2017?

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier, angrier, loved, more determined, fatter.

What do you wish you had done more of?
Sleep.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hurt.

How did you spend Christmas?
At home alone, then with the Harpist later, going into Boxing Day.

How will you be spending New Year’s?
I plan on chilling at the pad.

What did you want and get?

I wanted to come back East and do a DNA test. I got back East, and even have already experienced snow. I also got arrested. No DNA yet.

What was your favourite film of this year?
IT.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Same as it always was: Hippie Nerd Chic.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The further sinking of the US into Christo-Fascist Quicksand.

Who did you miss?

Smidgen and Aunt Tudi. Always.

comments

2018 Goals: Bills, Teeth, and Purge

2017-12-27T14:29:15Z

I don't believe in resolutions, because they are self-sabotaging prophecies. Just my opinion. But I do have some goals this year, one very important one, as it affects pretty much every part of my life. So here goes.

I'm going to get rid of a lot of the movies I own. After living in a hoarding environment for almost four years, my inclination for minimalism has only grown stronger. The litmus test for what I give up is, if I haven't watched the movie in over a year, I'm not going to miss it, and it's history. I'll be making a list of what I'm purging and offering the films to anyone who may want them. Given my finances, I'll have to ask for the price of mailing the package (I have mailers, so that's not an issue) and, for that, I am sorry, but I'll be happy to rehome these flix to my homies, or strangers who reach out in response. Whatever is left is going to Horizon Records to be sold for whatever they offer me.
I am restarting my Yoga. Over the past few months, I've neglected this, and I am feeling the effects. My joints are a nightmare, and my pain levels are sometimes out of control. I've also gained some weight, for a couple of reasons: lack of exercise and eating habits, which will be addressed below. I'm adding Surya Namaskar, because it looks doable in my current physical state, and it's mentioned in Shriekback's song, Sticky Jazz. Hey, I'm nothing if not irrationally loyal.
I have to pay off the ADSAP bill, which exceeds $1000, and has to be resolved by January 2019. My aim is to have it paid off by October, Goddess-willing.
I need to get my lost Social Security Card replaced, so I can finally get a South Carolina ID and insure that I'll be able to vote come November, because that shit's important, more so than ever, I'd say!
I'm going to work on being more trusting and not to over-think things. By nature, I am an analyst. Combine that with too many betrayals of trust in the past, and you have a combination that creates an excellent KGB agent, but not so much a good friend or companion. Since I will never be recruited to the KGB, I need to focus on relationships, or I'm going to end up being more alone than I already am. Included in this goal is to stop focusing on the blatant exclusion by my local family. As that Frozen chick says, I need to let it go.
Last, but hardly least, I need to get new dentures. The first set I got was a study in Supreme Fuckery, especially considering how much they cost. Despite several "fixes", they were too big and severely unaligned, so much so I have never been able to chew with them. It has only gotten worse, after I lost more weight and my gums shrank, making them even bigger. They even prevent me from singing, and I still have trouble speaking! Since 2015, I've been on a soft diet, comprised mainly of soup, cottage cheese, and smoothies. I have only worn the dentures for cosmetic purposes, but I can only wear them for brief periods of time, because they're so painful. If I wear them longer than 12 or so hours, they rip up my gums and cheeks, and then I have to deal with bleeding and sores. It's been a nightmare. When I was in California, depressed and having a lack of access to proper food preparation methods, my weight was not affected by my diet. Yeah, I'd fall out more often than not, from poor nutrition issues, but what I was eating didn't affect my weight. Now that I have a more normal situation when it comes to food, I don't have the the finances to get healthier choices that I could eat, so my limited food choices, combined with reduced activity, I'm gaining weight. The good news, though, is I haven't fallen out but maybe a half dozen times this year! Regardless, my diet is not the healthiest in the world. I now have high cholesterol that the doctor says diet can change, but I can't change my diet until I'm able to expand my options, and I can't expand my options until I'm able to actually chew food. I'm not sure how I'll be able to gather the funds for the dentures I need, considering the godawful ADSAP bill, but finding a way is of great importance, overshadowing all the other goals on this list. Wish me luck!

comments

Breakfast in Hell

2017-12-14T23:17:14Z

I have noticed how many of the breakfast places like IHOP, Waffle House, and Eggs Up offer options like scattered, smothered, and covered. Then, I got to thinking it'd be cool to start up my own little breakfast nook and provide even more of these options, just going a step - or three - further. What these would mean, I have yet to discern. If you have any ideas, or if you have an option suggestion, I encourage you to let me know in the comments. So, without further ado, let's have Breakfast in Hell. All plates can be served with the following options:

Scattered
Smothered
Covered
Beaten
Humiliated
Abused
Rode Hard and Put up Wet
Exiled
Bullied
Tortured
Slapped Repeatedly
Charged with a Felony
Traumatised
Caned
Doxxed
Mocked
Defeated
Molested
Possessed
Fired
Incinerated
Steamrolled
Pile-driven
Frightened
Disenfranchised
Profiled
Slaughtered
Intimidated
Held back a Year
Kicked
Invaded
Pillaged
Pilloried
Executed
Cooked by Joss Whedon

I'm thinking the only feasible beverage to accompany these dishes would be The Redeye Grandé, considering its dread notoriety in my sick little world.

I may revisit this and add more as they come to me. I may not. Who the hell knows?

comments

Christmas Breakfast with You

2017-11-17T05:02:13Z

My deepest apologies to Weird Al Yankovic.
I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
than eat Christmas breakfast with you.
I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
than eat Christmas breakfast with you.
I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches,
Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two,
I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue
than eat Christmas breakfast with you.
Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks,
Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue,
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades
than eat Christmas breakfast with you.
I'd rather rip out my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'til I die...
than eat Christmas breakfast with you.

comments