tinhuviel: (Can't Stop Writing)
It's been a week since I've done one of these, but I've been a tad busy with much more Important Matters (yes, important enough to merit capitalization!)

So, let's get this party started, shall we?

This was inspired by something the Mother Unit said a while back.  I thought she was going to wet herself when she saw it.  Made me damned happy!  It also almost drove me batshit crazy, because my Photoshop skills leave a lot to be desired.  It took me half a day to make it, and it still is pretty bad, despite efforts to the contrary.
You want to see more. You know you do. Click it! You can't resist! The power of Christ compels you! )

Okay, freaks, there will be more to come!
tinhuviel: (Ace Ventura)

So, the day went a little wonky when I least expected it, so I've been a bit too busy to do another one of these up 'til now. Tomorrow is vet day for Toby, and I am keen on working on a couple of projects that may keep me away from the picture posting, so I'm gonna take advantage of this wee dollop of time whilst I have it. Hope you enjoy the madness!

First up, we have an exchange that was had on Twitter.
Well, I thought it was funny...


visual grooviness beyond this point )
tinhuviel: (Can't Stop Writing)

Even though I have some Really Important Shit to address here shortly, I'm still caught up in these pics. Consider it a mental health break. We all need them at one point or another. And another. And another and another.

Not one of mine, though I wish to fuck it was. I don't think I'll ever get tired of laughing at this one.1797967_10154691194345721_3396226227213675746_n

Click to see more insanity. You know you want to. )
tinhuviel: (Can't Stop Writing)

Here's how this is gonna work. I'm gonna post ten of these at a time, along with why I made them, if I can remember. The first picture will be the cover image, and the rest will be behind the cut. All the posts will be called "Pik-Chahzz Ketchup," and will be found in Memories under that name, so they'll be easy to find, should anything there need to be found, which I doubt, but allow me my Virgoan organisation hang-ups, okay? For fuck's sake...

Anyway, if you like anything you see in these posts, feel free to use. You need neither my permission, nor do you need to give me credit. Spread the joy with impunity!

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.  Yep, more anti-Whedon blasphemy!  I think I keep doing this to provoke some nutter enough to come assassinate me.  It'd be a new one for the Psychiatry books: Suicide by Whedonite!
I like breaking new ground.


For more happy-slappy images, click away, freaks! )

tinhuviel: (Can't Stop Writing)

d2ef2721-be91-4d13-8bed-e590c816fb9c copy

If you click the image above, you will be taken to the article whose headline is quoted beneath Pluto. It was my first thought when I read it, so I had to make it.

That has often been the case over the past few years, but I've kept most of those shenanigans over on Facebook, figuring the pics would eventually make their way into the infinite internet photo album. Recently, however, I learned that Facebook is a kind of closed network, where posts are not picked up on search engines. Even though my humour is usually tacky and obscure, I still like to share stuff with people who may dig it. Thankfully, LJ has made its scrapbook area much larger in capacity and so much easier to use! So I've decided to trawl through all my timeline photos, something like 4000 of them, and load them to LJ to share.

I promise I will use cuts after the first picture, and that I will not use images larger than an average "600," instead linking them to the larger original, should anyone want to see it.

Depending on how you feel about this, my post is either a fair warning, or it's a gleeful announcement. Hopefully, it's the latter. Stay tuned...

tinhuviel: (Elton_Tin)

1000% ridiculous.

The people in this JibJab are the Mother Unit, Matt, Me'Shel'le, Pee Wee Herman, and myself. Let the hilarity commence!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!


Jul. 8th, 2014 12:08 am
tinhuviel: (Nathor)

There may be people out there who have the impression that I’m a misanthropic asshole with no sense of gratitude.

It’s true, I am a misanthropic asshole, but I am grateful for a lot of things and beings, including people.  I thought it might behove me to step out of “character” for a few minutes and make a list.  So here we go.

cut for courtesy )

1. The Mother Unit - for rescuing me from myself last year, and having more patience with me than I ever would with anyone, including myself.

2. My friends.  Even though I’ve lost a few since 2011, I’ve retained many very important souls in my life, many of which I met here on LJ.  Despite my general dislike for our species, I harbour much fondness for my Tribe.  Many of you stuck with me through the darkest period of my life, often saving my skin and literally saving my life and sanity when I did nothing to deserve such kindness, and there’s really no way I can ever sufficiently repay you for that.  I just hope that I can do something for each of you someday, that might properly express how much you mean to me.

3. Smidgen and Toby.  They cradle my soul like no one else would be willing to, or could.  The unconditional love cats and dogs give us may well be the primary way god/dess is trying to tell us that we aren’t alone, that we count in some way.  Despite my agnosticism, Toby and Smidgen are the ones who keep me from full-on atheism.

4. Music.  Music is the closest thing to the concept of Force that we can get.  I’ve long believed that the multiverse in which we dwell is a song that is still being composed.  It is the purest form of communication, and it is something that every living being expresses in one form or another.  We are all songs, we are the music of creation, we are the mathematics and art of dreams and concepts.

5. Fey Publishing - for taking a chance on me and my strange tales.  My third book will be available soon, thanks to Fey’s original owner, Sophie Childs, and its current sovereign, Kristen Duvall.  Click on their names to learn more about these brilliant women.  I owe them both a great deal, for their initial and continued faith in me, and for their patience as I struggled through my own personal bullfunky to finally get the third Vampire Relics book to Dark Fey’s door.

6. Shriekback, in particular Barry Andrews, for letting me have a ringside seat to their ongoing awesomeness.  Since 1990, they’ve been an almost constant source of inspiration and comfort, soundtracking my life’s highs and lows, and everything in between.  If we lived on Arrakis, I would owe Barry a huge water-debt.


7. The Impractical Jokers and The Epic Rap Battles of History.  My entire life, I’ve been a huge supporter of all brands of humour, but my quest for things that would make me laugh became a desperate effort following Aunt Tudi’s death.  Of all the things I explored in my quest for laughter, The Tenderloins (Impractical Jokers) and the guys behind The Epic Rap Battles were the only ones who never failed to bring me a joy that was otherwise almost impossible to find.

8. You Tube and Netflix.  When you don’t have a TV, these two wonderful services are a wonderful, and often preferable, alternative.

9. Dr. Harrington.  Of all the therapists I’ve had over the years, this is the only one I’ve ever felt actually listens to me.  His wry wit, proclivity to play devil’s advocate, and his willingness to swear are just three of many things that impress me about the man.  And he’s a good person, a genuinely good person.

10. The Internet.  When someone asked me how I felt about the Internet back in 1998, I told them that the Internet was the universe’s largest library. You could find out anything by exploring the endless halls of virtual books.  You need only be aware of the pervert at the end of each aisle and act accordingly to avoid them.

11. Sleep.  When you’re a chronic insomniac, the value of sleep increases a thousandfold.  I was never one of those kids who balked at bedtime; I was always a fan of slumber, mainly because of my vast dreamscape.  Being able to achieve lucidity at times only added to the wonder of it all.  After I began suffering from insomnia, those rare occasions where I’d achieve a few hours of really good sleep with a possible bonus of now rare dreams, reached a level of miraculous for me.  I am never not profoundly grateful for sleep.

12. Drum circles.  I’ve always been fond of them, but rediscovering drumming and, in particular, trance drumming, has reconnected me to deity on a level I thought was no longer possible.  There’s something about surrendering to a group rhythm that is both spiritual and therapeutic.  Thankfully, drum circles in San Diego are never on short supply, unlike the Upstate of South Carolina.

13. Earth.  I try to never take my home planet for granted, especially now that my species seems hellbent on destroying the only home we’ve ever known.  In vast expansiveness of the multiverse, this magickal sphere upon which we all live makes it seem more likely than not, that life is more prevalent than we can imagine.  And Earth is teeming with it, in mind-boggling varieties throughout an inconceivable history.  This “pale, blue dot” may be tiny in the scheme of everything, but the planet is unique and precious, a work of divine art, from the towering trees of the Amazon to the majesty of the Smoky Mountains, all resonating with the subtle song of water, that which gives life as we know it.  We have no right to visit so much suffering upon the body and spirit of our galactic mother.  Throughout every day, I am stunned by the miracle of our home, and I grieve for everything that has lost in the wake of our destruction.  I walk through life, grateful to Earth for her presence, and therefore ours, and I hope that my fellow humans and I can find some semblance of forgiveness for our transgressions.

So there it is.  Thirteen things for which I am very grateful.  I’m sure there’s more, but these are the Big Ones in my life, at this moment.  What do you treasure?  For what are you grateful?

tinhuviel: (Dr. Who Boogie)
Sent to me by [livejournal.com profile] moad_terran_hq over on Facebook. This is bloody brilliant. Everyone should take the time to watch it, I'm serious.

tinhuviel: (King Julien wahey!)
The next time you get into a verbal altercation, please consider using some of these colourful metaphors.

tinhuviel: (Caveman)
Thanks to everyone for all the well-wishes. That's really sweet of you.

Dr. Pilch has increased my Topamax to two a day for five days, then three a day after that. I'm taking Topamax for my migraines, but it's also a seizure medicine, so I lucked out. Ha Ha!

Aunt Tudi and I went out to dinner with Aunt Janice and Uncle Michael. Todd sent Aunt Tudi a gift card for Outback, so we went Australian this evening. I had an appetizer's before my steak: crab-stuffed shrimp. They were deeeeelicious. If I ever get to go back, I'm not getting a steak. I'm having the crab-stuffed shrimp for an appetizer and for dinner. In fact, they could just give me a big tub of that crab stuffing and let me bathe in it. It was that good and that's no lie.

I've taken all my meds now and I'm going to try to sleep. I did sleep really well last night in between the seizures, which I don't remember at all. All I remember is Aunt Tudi freaking out on me. I hate I scared her.

I adore the advert people at Geico. The caveman commercials are genius, just as stack of money with eyes, and the old guy with the gecko. The old guy/gecko advert with them in the bathroom talking about ringtones is golden. "Ring-a ding ding ding-a-dee-ding ding-e-do!" HAHAHAHA! Now they have this Mission Impossible type man asking the question "Can Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Does 10 pounds of flour make a really big biscuit?" And then it shows this little boy buttering this huuuge biscuit! Omigawd, I just want to hang out with the Geico advert department. They've got to be the most hilarious folks on Earth. I love them. Wait, I'm gonna see if it's on You Tube. Yep! Here it is. Enjoy!
tinhuviel: (I Blog)
Especially when I get up from a night of migraine-induced sleep deprivation and jump onto Facebook to see what mischief I can manage. Behold my crazed witticisms!

One person said: Question of the day: If John McCain made a similar speech last night, would you say "Give him time, he didn't start this" or would you say "He's a warmongering nutjob?"
To which I responded: I would say "Give him time, he didn't start this. It was the warmongering nutjob before him who did."

Someone else said: I had a dream about a woman who started a non-profit organization whose mission was to destroy all remnants of the band Loverboy.
To which I responded: That's a grueling job. I bet she caught herself working for the weekend more than once.

And, then [livejournal.com profile] dr_nebula posted this: It's a dark and rainy day in the SE. So here's an image of an emission nebula (star forming region) NGC 281 - the "Pacman Nebula." This is a stack of 25 x 3 minute exposures with a modified Canon XS through an 80mm Vixen.
And I just had to say: You should have panned back some so you could have gotten the Ghost nebula right behind it.
tinhuviel: (The Joker Blogs Ha)
[livejournal.com profile] luvthyjoker sent this to me. I had it ages ago, but lost it when I left the Pit in 2005. I'm putting here and Facebook for safe keeping.

Taoism: Shit happens.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Confucianism: Confucius say: Shit happens.
Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shit happening.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, Knock: 'Shit happens.'
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe not.
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Catholicism: If shit happens I deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you.
Rastafarian: Smoke that shit.
tinhuviel: (Super Sane)
Happiness is a choice. So is dessert. You do the math.
Anger is a choice. So is bitch-slapping someone. I'd suggest you do the math here, but I feel English is much more important. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want” ~ Zig Ziglar
You can have everything in life you want as long as you can run faster than the person from whom you took it. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

You are uniquely designed for the journey you have chosen.~Luckin
A kind of Amoeba has 670 billion base pairs in its genome. Humans have 2.9 billion. Now who’s unique? ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, you are a spiritual being having a human experience.
You’re not a human being having a spiritual experience, you’re a human being fucking up other beings’ spiritual experiences. Kindly die. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

Who you are is beyond your body and beyond your mind.
When you’re beyond your body and mind, it’s called a coma and it’s time to pull the plug. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

You are an eternal and timeless being.
You are an eternally tiresome being. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

" Once you have flown, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward for there you have been, there you long to return." ~ Leonardo DaVinci
Once you have crashed, you’ll roll around in a scooter, drooling on yourself and blurting out “We’re going down!” at inappropriate times…if you survive the crash, that is. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

" To move ahead you need to believe in yourself...have conviction in your beliefs and the confidence to execute those beliefs." ~ Adlin Sinclair
And have the moxie to execute anyone who gets in the way of your newfound quest. They probably need killin’ anyway, so do the world a favour. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

" Success knocks on the doors of those who are brave." ~ vissapragada srinivas
The village idiot usually knocks on the doors of those who are truly unlucky. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eye off his goal.” ~ E. Joseph Cossman
While you’re eying your goal, you’re certain to trip over an obstacle, fall, and get laughed at. Because slapstick is forever funny. The end. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” ~ Plato
Only afterward, and usually when it’s too late, can one discern the difference. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
But if a 2 year old doesn’t get her way on the candy aisle of a grocery, everyone within 300 yards suffers for all eternity, yea and verily. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know.” ~ Oscar Wilde
You think you know what you might know, but you barely know what you definitely know ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“It is easier to stay out than get out.” ~ Mark Twain
And, if you won’t get out, I’ll be happy to show you the way. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” ~ Sir Edmund Hillary
If only I’d conquered myself before trying to climb that mountain, I might still have my toes… ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
But keep that whisper to yourself, or you might find yourself with a reputation of being crazy or, even better, committed for your trouble. That’s an accomplishment! ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.” ~ Leonard Bernstein
So…Leonard Bernstein invented NaNoWriMo? Kill the bastard! What do you mean he’s already dead? Dig him up and kill him again! ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
So when the cops question you about your string of murders, just tell them Eleanor said it was okay. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

Negative people seldom persist.~Zig Ziglar
Zig obviously never met Pat Robertson. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“You cannot do wrong and feel right. It is impossible!” ~ Ezra Taft Benson
If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right! ~ Percy Sledge

“Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” ~ Albert Schweitzer
Do something horrible and you’re just like everyone else, so you can relax. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“Things done well and with a care, exempt themselves from fear.” ~ William Shakespeare
Until a millipede glides along to ruin the feelgood moment for everyone. ~ Tracy Angelina Evans

“If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?” ~ John Wooden
Tuh-marrah is anothuh day. ~ Scarlet O’Hara

tinhuviel: (Card Kill You)
Sent to me by the wise and funny [livejournal.com profile] brujah.

tinhuviel: (Alpaca Lips)
For [livejournal.com profile] brujah.

Don't click if you're easily offended by language or religious irreverence. Thanks for finding this, [livejournal.com profile] filmkitty!

tinhuviel: (Maul - snarky)
I found this file in my salvaged work emails from 2002. So many of them still apply to my world view, it's atrocious, hilarious, and a tad frightening. I'm immortalising the list on Facebook and LJ. Just because they're funny as all Sith Hell. And you Joker people will find many sayings in here that will tickle you all shades of pink. I promise.

1. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connelly

2. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connelly

3. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connelly

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

more hilarity and wisdom! )
tinhuviel: (EYE-GORE)
Today (yesterday now so, if any of this sounds ridiculous, it's because I've been awake for 24 hours as of..right...now~!), I got to see my favourite doctor, Dr. Pilch! Why is he my favourite? Because he's bloody gorgeous, that's why! Well, that and he's tending the brain I got from Abby Normal with the best bedside manner I've ever encountered in a doctor, surpassing even that of my old orthopedic surgeon. This was my normal three-month follow-up visit with my neurologist, whom I've been seeing since last July when I quite unexpectedly had a seizure, not that you often schedule seizures. Suffice to say I'd never had a seizure prior to the one I enjoyed last year and I haven't had one since. In addition to trying to figure out why I had the seizure, Dr. Pilch has gotten the extra added joy of pondering my imponderable insomnia and ponderously pounding head. On Thursday, he got to add black-outs to the laundry list of noodle issues. Only recently has this begun and, lucky for Dr. Pilch, it began right before I was scheduled to see the good (looking) doctor.

Once I was called back by the nurse, I told her what had been going on and she took diligent notes, because she's a very diligent nurse. She told me that Dr. Pilch would be in shortly and to try to be comfy. I thanked her and proceeded to wonder why it was all chairs in doctors offices and exam rooms were the least comfortable on the planet, with the exception of the dentist's chair. And that's simply black humour right there because, really, where can a person be least comfortable but a dentist's chair? If it were any less like a La-Z-Boy, the dentist would have to scrape his patients from the ceiling before any given exam or, at least that's how it'd be with me. I could be given a Tempurpedic mattress and a hookah brimming with opium, and still be chew-a-hole-in-the-world-with-my-ass nervous while at the dentist's, and my dentist caters to cowards!

But I digress. After giving up trying to be comfortable in the exam room, I began to read the latest issue of Neurology Today, which isn't as interesting as Psychology Today but, since I didn't have that and my only other option was Southern Living, Neurology Today was the winner of the day. In the back of the magazine was a mini-article featuring the ongoing adventures of Migraine Chick. The two strips featured in the article had me har-dee-har-harring as much from woeful familiarity as from the full-on hilarity of the illustrations.

This was one of them:
Train Your Pet Migraine

About the time I was finishing up writing her URL down on my hand, in walked Dr. Pilch. He looked at me as if to say, "You're writing on yourself. I'm a neurologist. Perhaps you need a psychologist instead. And then the moment passed and he was all smiles and sweetness because he's that good (looking).

Now, on the best of days, speaking with a neurologist is always fodder for the Theatre of the Absurd. Dr. Pilch began to look over the notes his nurse had taken, and he asked me about the black outs. I told him that they seemed to be very brief and I never fully lost consciousness, so they weren't like the seizure I had.

"Do you know how long they lasted?"

"Not very long. It's not like I had missing time, or was abducted by aliens or anything."

::wry grin from the dee-lec-table doc:: "So what did you see?"


"And when you came around, were you confused as to your whereabouts or who you were?"

"No more so than usual, doc."

::another wry grin:: I love his grin. He is a hotteh, my brain doctor.

"I see you're not sleeping as well as you were the last time we saw one another."

"No, 'fraid not."

"And the migraines are worse?"

"Yeah, 'fraid so."

"Do you think the black-outs have anything to do with these other factors?"

"You tell me doc. I have a faulty brain and am unsure of my capacity to think clearly."

Yeah, I was being a bit of a smart-ass, but not in a snarky way; rather, more in a playful please for to allow me to molest you on your uncomfortable furniture way. Or, if you need to be more comfortable, my dentist is right down the road. We can turn off the drill...and the lights...and.... But I digress.

"Well, I think that, even though you say you've actually been sleeping better this week, the crux of your problems lies in your body being unable to maintain a recognisable sleep pattern. I see we've tried a number of different treatment methods and have ruled out sleep apnea. The Klonopin was working well for you until we doubled your anti-depressant, so what I want to do is add a 1/2 milligram of Klonopin to your 1 mg at night. If we can jumpstart your sleeping pattern, maybe your body will be able to grasp it and go from there in healing itself. I think your migraines will diminish as a result as well; however, if you have any more black-outs, I don't want you to wait until I see you again in December. I want you to call me immediately. We may end up having to do another electroencephalogram."'

"Meh, not another one of those..."

"Well, it's been a year since we tested you. Better to be safe than sorry and, who knows, maybe something will turn up in a new one that couldn't be seen in the last one. Let's hold off on that for now, though. I know your funds are limited, so I want to try to treat the underlying cause of all this before we go crazy and hook you up to the electrodes again. In the meantime, you're still on the Paxil, Relpax and Lortab as needed for migraine, and the magnesium?"

"Affirmative, Doc."

"Okay, let's see how things go with the 1.5 mg of Klonopin. Hopefully, this will take care of the insomnia, which will help with the migraines and all associated symptoms of those including, I'm betting the black-outs. But, like I said," and he waggled his finger at me, which is fine with me since he's my elder (and I always respect my elders, especially those of the irresistible kind), "any more episodes and we're going ahead with the EEG immediately, okay?"

"Anything you say, you tasty morsel of medical mayhem! Oh...you got it Doc!" I sure hope that first bit was my internal voice remaining....internal. If not, though, I can always blame faulty hardwiring of the brain and ask him for some special attention in that grievous matter. To satisfy his curiosity, Dr. Pilch asked me about my writing on myself. I explained to him about Migraine Chickie and I showed him the comic strips at the back of Neurology Today. He took the mag and studied the strips for a few moments and, O so very slowly, his face split into one of the prettiest smiles I've ever seen on a person (and, yes, men can have pretty smiles just like women can have handsome ones!). Not just that, no no; Dr. Pilch then began to chuckle lowly.

"Forgive me. I know it's not right to laugh at something from which a patient of yours is suffering, but...this is really quite funny! Please don't take offense."

"None taken! I was cackling at these right before you came in, so I'm right there with you, Dr. Pilch (and on you like a cheap suit, if given a shred of a hint of a whisper of a chance in hell)."

The good (looking) doctor stopped and sized me up, saying, "You know, that's a very good attitude you have there. When it comes to medicine, one can never underestimate the therapeutic benefits of a good chuckle."

Those were his words exactly. And here's hoping the good (looking) doctor is right because, if he is, I'm already cured of everything. Since that's obviously not the case (I would have otherwise slept last night), maybe another electroencephalogram is in order which, given my newfound association with head electrodes, will certainly push me over the edge of hilarity and into "The doctor gave me a pill and I grew a new kidneh!"-ville.
tinhuviel: (Weasel)
Thanks to GeorgeSquishy over on Twitter.

tinhuviel: (Ace Ventura)
Let's shoot, headlong, into the next 8,000 posts of random meanderings, shall we? I present a film short I've been looking for, for about twenty years. I found it, but not on You Tube. I've now uploaded it there so everyone else can be either amused or squicked, or both. Enjoy!

tinhuviel: (Thy Mama)

These were all taken from an old address/telephone book we've had for ages. Over the years, I'd written responses to some of the quotes therein. Here are the results, all in a tidy post. If you get the reference in the last quote, you get a cyber-cookie.

  1. “A letter need not be long to be welcome.” ~ Emily Post (But a phone call is ten times easier ~ T. Evans)
  2. “Never shall thy spoken word / Be again unsaid, unheard.” ~ Rose Terry Cooke (Unless thou art an enemy / Of Homeland Security ~ T. Evans
  3. “He knows not when to be silent who knows not when to speak.” ~ Publilius Syrus (He knows not when to shut his pie hole in trying times. ~ T. Evans)
  4. “Good words are worth much, and cost little.” ~ George Herbert (Bad words get more laughs and more money. ~ T. Evans)
  5. “There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.” ~ Josh Billings (One grunt can speak volumes. ~ T. Evans)
  6. “It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” ~ Kahlil Gibran (This guy never saw ‘COMA.’ ~ T. Evans)
  7. “He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” ~ Elbert Hubbard (He who does not understand your words probably does not speak your language. ~ T. Evans)
  8. “Words are the wings of actions.” ~ Johan Kaspar Lavater (But violence is the jet engine of action movies. ~ T. Evans)
  9. “The best love letters are the direct promptings of the heart.” ~ Carleton B. Cuse (The best hate letters require several magazines, scissors, and glue. ~ T. Evans)
  10. “Of the pangs of absence are removed by a letter.” ~ Old valentine (Oft the joys of one’s absence are also removed by a letter. ~ T. Evans)
  11. “A line is enough for memory.” ~ Old autograph album (Two lines give a better high. ~ T. Evans)
  12. “Much that well may be thought cannot wisely be said.” ~ Epes Sargent’s Standard Fourth Reader (Unless you’re rich, dying, or crazy. ~ T. Evans)
  13. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning (“One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand!” ~ Roger Rabbit)
  14. “A letter should never remain unanswered a moment longer than is absolutely unavoidable” ~ Hints on Etiquette, 1834 (Unless it’s a suicide note, which usually doesn’t require a reply. ~ T. Evans)
  15. “I always prefer to believe the best of everybody – it saves so much trouble.” ~ Rudyard Kipling (I always prefer to believe the worst of everybody – it saves a knife in the eye. ~ T. Evans)
  16. “I count only the sunny hours.” ~ Sundial motto (‘Cos I can’t see to count in the dark. ~ T. Evans)
  17. “When hands are linked that dread to part, and heart is met by throbbing heart ---- Oh! Bitter, bitter is the smart of them that bid farewell!” ~ Reginald Heber (When eyes is met with baleful eye and poison’s thrust forth like a sty, just kiss your sorry ass goodbye, and take and like your lumps. ~ T. Evans inspired by The Maltese Falcon)
  18. “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (Nothing funny was ever achieved without Mel Brooks. ~ T. Evans)
  19. “Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” ~ Benjamin Franklin (Never do that which you so hateth today or any day. ~ T. Evans)
  20. “Love in a letter endures forever in our memories.” ~ Emily Post (And can be used against you in a court of law. Just ask Judge Judy. ~ T. Evans)
  21. “All’s well that ends well.” ~ William Shakespeare (All hideous that ends horribly. ~ T. Evans)
  22. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi (But the rich can just kill ya and get if over with. ~ T. Evans)
  23. “Happy is the house that shelters a friend.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (Fairly alarmed is the house that shelters a known fugitive. ~ T. Evans)
  24. “I’ll note you in my book of memory.” ~ William Shakespeare (I’ll put you on my shit list. ~ modern translation by T. Evans)
  25. “Little strokes fell great oaks.” ~ Benjamin Franklin (Big strokes melt half your body ~ T. Evans)
  26. “Never promise more than you can perform.” ~ Publilius Syrus (Promise nothing but the possibility of a hope of a promise. ~ T. Evans)
  27. “One good word can warm three months.” ~ Japanese proverb (Two good words create a heatwave. ~ T. Evans)
  28. “The only gift is a portion of thyself.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (This is what Mike Tyson said to Evander Holyfield. ~ T. Evans)

    And last, but not least ~~
  29. “Nothing is more useful to a man more than to speak clearly.” ~ Phaedrus (“RERUHH!” ~ Gabby Johnson)


May. 22nd, 2009 07:33 pm
tinhuviel: (Bible)
Church of the Latter-Day Dude

88 Lines

May. 21st, 2009 10:38 pm
tinhuviel: (Joker_Blogs_Dude)
Drawing J listening to "88 Lines about 44 Women" reminded me of a post I memoried (new word) as Funny as all Sith Hell. It's entitled 88 Lines about 44 Fangirls, which is really kind of appropriate, given my latest rash of fangirl activity. This brilliance was written by [livejournal.com profile] slipjig, whom I've secretly loved ever since I read his post. ::snork::

Click the link above, especially if you're a fangirl. Enjoy.
tinhuviel: (Joker_Blogs_Dude)
Click the J-Otter for the explanation.


I've rested my case. It's Miller Time!
tinhuviel: (Bible)
Written by [livejournal.com profile] zoethe, this crosses the border of genius and goes into full-on mad genius mode. I bow to her gigantic, throbbing brain meats and crawl off into my hole for lesser intelligences. Seriously, go read this. It's laugh up a lung funny and oh-so painfully true.
tinhuviel: (Podling)
[livejournal.com profile] puffdoggydaddy posted this, which means I have to steal it because I'm surrounded by shitsuckers like this.

tinhuviel: (Toby)
Granted, 'tis not the season, but Aunt Tudi just found the card, so I don't give a damn if it's the season or not, this is funny as hell, no matter what. The card was sent to me by The [livejournal.com profile] mother_unit in 1987.

Here's a picture of the card.



One day Ima go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss toast. She branga me only onea piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch!

Later, I go to eat soma lunch at Drake Restaurant, the waitress bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man ana he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch. I got back to Italy!
tinhuviel: (Danny Elfman)
I had to get away from reading about Andrei Chikatilo and do something constructive, so I present these funnies for to tickle your bone (the funny bone, that is).

Funny #1
Sad News to Report: Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 91. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave side was piled high with flours. His long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business; he was really on a roll; but his life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Funny #2
Hmmm.. Did you know...? While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the Summer of each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of Winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the Spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known.... Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

We won't get to enjoy these much longer, so relish while you can, eh?

Funny #3
George W. Bush Presidential Library Destroyed by Flood
The rain that has flooded Washington these past two days has destroyed what would have been the start of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The rising flood waters reached the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost.
A presidential spokesperson said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished colouring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer..

Funny #4
Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq over the weekend. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Funny #5
Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

  1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

  2. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

  7. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

  8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

  9. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward ad lay an egg on the altar.

  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." Of of the ladies will (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

  12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they be seen in th church basement Friday.

  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

  18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

  19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

  20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

  21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

  22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan, who are preparing for the girth of their new child.

  23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  24. The Lutheran Men's Group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

  25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."

Funny #6
John and Joe were twins. They were alike in many ways and only their closest friends could tell them apart. Now John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated rowboat. A strange thing happened to the boys. On the day that John's wife died, Joe's rowboat sank. A few days after, a kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, she said, "I'm awfully to sorry to hear of your misfortune. You must feel terrible about it."

But Joe broke down and said, "I'm not sorry at all. She was a rotten old thing, right from the start. Her bottom was all chewed out and she smelled like an old dead fish. The first time I got in her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a terrible crack in her bottom and a pretty bad hole in her front. Every time I used her, the hole kept getting bigger and bigger. I got so I could handle her alright but, when anyone else used her, she leaked like hell. But this is what really finished here: four men from the other side of town asked me if I would lend her. I did and I warned them as to what she was like, but they didn't mind. Being over anxious to get going, they all tried getting into her at the same time and it was too much. She cracked right up the middle and her bottom fell clear out."

The kind old lady fainted.

Funny #7
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and, as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note....romantic, but not too personal.]

Accompanied by hi sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sear and brought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves while the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart with this note.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the , I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away a they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love

PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Funny #8
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. At the local auctions, the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that, since he had a donkey, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came their place. The next day, the Racing Form carried this headline:


The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, he entered it in the races again and, this time, the donkey won! The Form then reported:


The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The following day, the newspaper printed this headline:


This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The newspaper then reported:


They buried the bishop the next day.
tinhuviel: (Chester)
[livejournal.com profile] aki_dreaming actually requested I caption this picture she sent to me. I had to give it some thought, but here's what I came up with.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures
tinhuviel: (2D and 3C)
Okay, so this new road sprouted up off Roger's Bridge Road, the big long road that leads to my house. It's actually not so much a road as it is a driveway ending in a cul de sac where 7 or 8 houses will eventually be built but, somehow, it merited being named and getting a brand spanking new street sign. When I saw the street sign, I got an Idea. When I shared the Idea with Aunt Tudi, she thought it worth bringing to fruition. So, she made the sign, I held it, and she took the picture.

See what can be accomplished when people work together? )
tinhuviel: (Bible)
I've decided to drop everything, run off to Jesus Camp, and become a Prairie Muffin. Don't try to talk me out of it. It will do you no good.
tinhuviel: (PSA)
[livejournal.com profile] glittertrixie sent this to me because she knew I'd always needed a graph to express my empathy with DMX's song.

funny graphs
see more funny political pictures
tinhuviel: (hehhehheh)
[livejournal.com profile] clumsycake sent this to me and I pernear swallowed my lingual muscle upon viewing it. Now it's your turn.

tinhuviel: (King Julien)
The Mother Unit sent this to me. I cackled. Oh yes, I cackled.

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy beer or spend it on prostitution, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.
tinhuviel: (Hot Damn!)
I love the Blues and I love Samuel L. This means I adored Black Snake Moan. I was listening to "Stack-O-Lee" on my way home from the doctor's and figured that I'd absolutely have to share this part of the movie with my buds here on LJ.

By the way, Mr. Jackson learned to play guitar for his role in Black Snake Moan. The singing voice comes naturally, motherfucker!

A friend of mine, Kathleen, sent this picture to me last night. It depicts a Scotsman's barstool, made specially for true Scottish kilt-wearers.

I wonder if Desmond had one of these in the Hatch? )
tinhuviel: (Toothy)
Who got it from HERE.

70-year sentence )
tinhuviel: (Alrighty then)
Me: I'm going to the kitchen to get something cold to drink. Can I get you anything?

Aunt Tudi: No, thank you.

Me: Fine! You can starve and thirst to death for all I care! You can go to Hell, you can go to Hell and die!

Aunt Tudi (whimpering): I live in South Carolina. Ain't that enough?
tinhuviel: (Cliffs of Insanity)
Well, here's something that will make you want to take an SOS pad to your corneas.

It makes no sense, but it's fun to watch because there's a penguin involved. And a squirrel. And pigs. And Burt Reynolds. And the Dukes of Hazzard. What else does a soul need?

Just Added

Mar. 9th, 2006 06:02 pm
tinhuviel: (EYE-GORE)
iGor has acquired a little gem called "Erik the Awful" by Ray Stevens. This is probably the funniest song Ray ever recorded, or at least I think it is.

Erik later amassed a small fortune posing for Molly Hatchet album covers )

It should be of note that I can sound almost exactly like Jane in Ray Stevens' "Guitarzan." Maybe someday I'll get up the courage to make a phone post of my Jane impersonation.
tinhuviel: (Farce)
Okay, I'm submitting an official complaint with god. I have used goods in my body and I should have all new parts. The orthopaedist informed me today that my left knee is at least 50 years old. I'm only 38! This fucking sucks! I demand the 38 year old knee I should have, cartilage and all, dammit! ::pitches a tantrum::

Seriously though, the doc did tell me that my knee is much older than the rest of my body. She said it was ugly. Gee, thanks doc! She also said that I needed a replacement, but we'd continue with the injections until they no longer worked, then we'd go for a replacement. I really haven't had to have an injection in over a year, when I used to have to have them every three months or so. She said that my weight loss had everything to do with that, which I know. Taking 140 lbs off of already damaged goods can prolong those goods indefinitely yea and verily. So Dr. Jaworski gave me a cortisone injection and a prescription for 12 Lortab, and she sent me home to die.

On the way back home, I saw an ugly red truck that said DONIMATOR on the back. I said to Aunt Tudi, "Isn't that supposed be DOMINATOR? Don't they have the 'm' and 'n' reversed?" "No," she said. "It's a Domino's Pizza delivery truck, so I think it's just a play on words." "Oh. I was about to drag out my camera and take a picture of the yokels for folks on my journal to laugh at." "What? You're gonna turn the camera on yourself?" Aunt Tudi said and snorkled mightily. Sometimes she can be such a rude-ass haint. But it was funny, I give her that.

I took Aunt Tudi to the New China restaurant for lunch. She ate three plates full of food. I ate about a third of plate and got sick. Sometimes, I think that the gastric bypass surgery should be renamed the Bulimia Procedure. I didn't lose everything, like the peanut chicken, so I'm more than grateful. Of course, it was my fault I got sick. I drank too much tea because I was thirsty, and I had no business drinking during my meal anyway. So I can't fret without looking in the mirror and pointing at myself accusingly. I'm a dumbass.

We were gonna go to the grocery store this evening, but I've put Aunt Tudi off because my knee has swollen to balloon status and it hurts. The injection will eventually be a wonderful thing and will make my knee feel much better but, right now, it's made the knee knob and regions thereabout feel like ultimate cyarn from hell. So I'll be prone for the rest of the evening until it's time to go to bed, then I'm slinking off the bedroom. Amen.

Sci-Fi just advertised their Saturday night crap movie. It's called Swarmed and it showed a big mutant junkie bee crawling out of man's mouth and then landing on his open eyeball. I think I'll be passing on this cinematic delight.
tinhuviel: (Eh wot?)
Aunt Tudi spied this and, when she told me about it, I had to turn around and get a picture. Who knew the South had pubic libraries?


Dec. 8th, 2005 08:21 pm
tinhuviel: (Bible)
That's the Redneck Hell. Rednecks don't go to Hell. They go to Heck. There are levels of Heck. There's Suburban Heck where the high-falootin' crowd hangs out and gossips about each others' clothes, hair, and Lee Press-on Nails. Then there's the Boonies Heck where the snaggle-toothed hillbillies roam about playing jaw harps and banjos. There's the Heck Trailer Court where people who've been on the Jerry Springer Show and/or get drunk and have throwdowns on Friday night assemble. And then there's the Inner Ring of Heck, which is also known as South Carolina.

You don't go to Heck in a Handbasket. That's for folks en route to Hell. You travel to Heck in a 1970's grey primer-finished Ford pick-up truck with tires two sizes too large. It's the Heck-mobile and the only resemblance to a handbasket is the light blue plastic laundry basket that's in the back of the truck with an inch of water in the bottom.

You don't burn in Heck. You swelter. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Most televangelists don't go to Hell; instead, they can be found in Heck. They sure as Heck ain't in Heaven! Heck is overrun with polyester-clad, money-grubbing Bible-thumpers who proudly display their bad toupees right after Wednesday night services.

So that's Heck.


Dec. 7th, 2005 08:56 pm
tinhuviel: (Bible)
The Pope is considering abolishing Limbo. What are all the Catholic island-dwellers going to do? I see a Catholic version of Footloose coming on.
tinhuviel: (Gothic Christmas)
I don't do paper cards unless absolutely necessary 'cos I'm just not into doing that. I stopped years ago to help conserve trees and, once e-greetings became easier to send, I converted completely to doing the e-card thing. Aunt Tudi is still into paper cards and will sometimes have me sign a card to send out, but I'm completely electronic now.

That said, I'd like to send anyone who reads this an e-card.

[Poll #627717]

In other news, Taco Bell has a new sign up that says "Now hiring closers." When I glanced at it, I read "Now hiring losers." I've been chuckling about that for a good two hours now. Easily amused? That would be me.
tinhuviel: (Alpaca Lips)
The first and, currently, only saint in the First Church of the Alpaca Lips. His immortal words are embossed in filigree upon the arch under which adherents of the Alpaca Liptic Gospels pass as they enter into the place of worship: "What are we gonna do now, man? Game over, man, game over!"



Oct. 24th, 2005 07:11 pm
tinhuviel: (Snarky Maul)
Nothing tickles me more than to see those idjits on the Weather Channel get blown about by hurricanes. **snorkle**
tinhuviel: (Large Marge)
Before there was Snakes on a Plane there was ............... )

Go with god.
tinhuviel: (Eh wot?)
Yes, YOU!

I came up with even more titles, but am unable to add them to the Poll Proper. Here's what I got:

2001: A Snake Odyssey
The Snake Sense
The Maltese Snake
Snakes on the Staten Island Ferry
Full Metal Snake
Snakes at Live Aid
I Was a Teenage Snake on a Plane
An American Weresnake in London
Battlesnake Galactica
Snake Idol
Lost Snakes (the castaway snakes on a plane that crashed on mysterious island)
Snake Trek: The Frontier where Snakes Are on Planes
The Passion of the Snake

Whatchoo think?
tinhuviel: (Onslow)
Category 1 ~ It's a mite windy today, ma.
Category 2 ~ There goes the cat!
Category 3 ~ Shit! No power! Too much water! Shit!
Category 4 ~ Time to move to higher ground for good.
Category 5 ~ I don't even know where I live now!
Frankenwind ~ This ain't natural. Wind, rain, and death.
Horriblecane ~ The horror! The horror!
Gojiracane ~ Japanese monster movie level disaster.
Alpacane ~ The Alpaca Lips is here!

NOAA is updating all databanks with this new information.
tinhuviel: (Maul Bitch)
In keeping with my current sex drive, to anyone even remotely entertaining the idea of tryst with this Sith ~~

Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

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