Boyfriends
Dec. 6th, 2005 05:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tinhuvielI've been thinking about boyfriends a lot lately and how I have 0 romance in my life. Used to, I'd be pretty forlorn and longing for the romance I saw everyone around me enjoying, but that's not the case anymore.
Llew is, I guess you could say, my boyfriend. We've been together since 2001. We've had our ups and our downs, but we're still quite close. Do I love him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No. His behaviour over the years has pretty much nipped my romantic feelings for him in the bud.
Ever since my surgery, my sex drive has been almost nonexistent, which is very odd because I used to be literally in heat. I could think myself into orgasm without nary a touch. Yes, I was that excitable. After the surgery, I lost interest in sex and have had to force myself to engage in lovemaking with Llew. After his stupid behaviour in January, I found it increasingly difficult to be intimate with him. It's an exercise in futility on my part, and I think that's quite unfair to him.
I foresee severing romantic ties with Llew in 2006, but I believe we'll remain friends. At least I hope so.
Am I looking for a new boyfriend? No. I wouldn't care if I never had another relationship. It's strange to say, but it's true. Even online, where it's easy as can be to become involved with someone, I find myself keeping everyone at arm's length. It's not that I think I'm so desirable that I'm having to beat folks off with a stick. That's not the case at all. I wouldn't presume to ever believe that. I just don't want to find myself in a situation where I'm crushing on someone who is a million miles away and wouldn't give me the time of day in Real Life anyway.
Years ago, I resigned myself to the inevitability of living out my life alone after Aunt Tudi passes away. Before, this thought was terrifying and unbearable. Now, it's kind of comforting in an odd sorta way. I don't know why.
Llew is, I guess you could say, my boyfriend. We've been together since 2001. We've had our ups and our downs, but we're still quite close. Do I love him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No. His behaviour over the years has pretty much nipped my romantic feelings for him in the bud.
Ever since my surgery, my sex drive has been almost nonexistent, which is very odd because I used to be literally in heat. I could think myself into orgasm without nary a touch. Yes, I was that excitable. After the surgery, I lost interest in sex and have had to force myself to engage in lovemaking with Llew. After his stupid behaviour in January, I found it increasingly difficult to be intimate with him. It's an exercise in futility on my part, and I think that's quite unfair to him.
I foresee severing romantic ties with Llew in 2006, but I believe we'll remain friends. At least I hope so.
Am I looking for a new boyfriend? No. I wouldn't care if I never had another relationship. It's strange to say, but it's true. Even online, where it's easy as can be to become involved with someone, I find myself keeping everyone at arm's length. It's not that I think I'm so desirable that I'm having to beat folks off with a stick. That's not the case at all. I wouldn't presume to ever believe that. I just don't want to find myself in a situation where I'm crushing on someone who is a million miles away and wouldn't give me the time of day in Real Life anyway.
Years ago, I resigned myself to the inevitability of living out my life alone after Aunt Tudi passes away. Before, this thought was terrifying and unbearable. Now, it's kind of comforting in an odd sorta way. I don't know why.
