Well, not really. Only two folks requested that I repost this, but I've never had a repost request, so I'm really rather honoured.
From
10 November, 2005
Redeye Grandé
We're back from Asheville and I would now like to talk about the coffee that I purchased on the way out of town this morning. I knew that I'd be sore pressed to drive to Asheville with a budding headache and a mere four hours of fitful sleep under my belt. So Aunt Tudi and I stopped at Curbside Coffee, which is right up the road from us just before you get on i-85. I got Aunt Tudi a 24 oz. hazelnut latte and myself a concoction called the Redeye Grandé. The first couple of sips of this potion were horrid but, after my tastebuds were eaten away, it started tasting pretty damned good!
What is the Redeye Grandé? According to Curbside Coffee's menu, it's a double Espresso w/coffee and sugar and cream upon request. But this is misleading. I know the frightening truth now, having just come down from the most gruesome caffeine high I've ever experienced. I'm shaking like leaf on a tree (not to be quoting Elvis, but damn...) and I'm finding it hard to type this. Now, I had this coffee at 8:30 this morning and it is now almost 1 PM. As Sam Neill repeatedly emoted at the end of Event Horizon, "Do you SEE???"
Here are the ingredients of the Redeye Grandé, for real and true:
A double Espresso w/coffee, one pound of natural sugar, the entire contents of a freshly-lactating cow, gasoline, uranium, Red 40, LSD, crack, smack, whack, Emeril (he provided the necessary BAM!), petroleum jelly, small bits of plastic, a thumbtack, rocket fuel, crystal meth, the marching hammers from Pink Floyd's "The Wall," sub-atomic sludge, dilithium crystals, the sacred name of Jehovah, a brick, wolverine musk, ground up bones of twelve rabid velociraptors, eye of newt, eye of Ripley, eye of Hudson (oh hell, you get the idea: the eyes of the entire cast of Aliens), the sex drive of a nerdly sixteen year old male virgin, a large tire, 50 Cent's leftover bling, Rob Zombie, and one hamster in a wheel.
On the way up to Asheville, we listened to Johnny Cash. Do you know what happens when you combine a constant "doo-wacka-doo" with a Redeye Grandé? Well, by the time we made it to the drugstore for Aunt Tudi's flu shot, I was rocking back and forth like the mostest special soul on the short bus to Hell. I was a wild-eyed she-bitch with nowhere to run. I drove like an extra in a Mad Max movie. I was beyond fucking Thunderdome! I felt like I had been whipped into a religious frenzy by angry nuns with garden sticks. I wanted to scamper about scraping my tongue with a razor blade and crying out the name of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Despite my crashing hard from such an extreme high, it's still going to take a kick to the head by Mr. Horse himself to knock my crazed arse out tonight. Until then, I'll be doo-wacka-doo'ing and feeling like one of Syd Barrett's bad dreams.
O_O
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