Aug. 15th, 2009
http://rancidrainbow.com/thesite/2009/08/15/lj-icons/
Have a taste of what's in store if you click. And yes,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rancid_rainbow, I'm hot linking! Whatcha gonna do about it?! I'm such a fun-loving criminal. ha.
Have a taste of what's in store if you click. And yes,
rancid_rainbow, I'm hot linking! Whatcha gonna do about it?! I'm such a fun-loving criminal. ha.
Time Marches
Aug. 15th, 2009 03:10 pmI didn't sleep at all last night. No I'm not quoting that old Rock'n'Roll song. Now, I can barely stay awake. But I'm compelled to keep my eyes open. I have a duty to perform and perform it I shall today. At least that's the general idea. Otherwise, I'm on mental health leave this weekend. Yeah, I know that's a joke. All joking aside, there's a lot of stuff I'm needing to process and staying constantly busy doing a variety of things without getting a chance to breathe won't allow me to do that. Most usually when I say "I love my job... I love it I love it," I mean it. Right now, there's not a thing in this world I can honestly say I love.
I am in a dark place and I'm trying to salvage what I can by withdrawing. I tend to self-destruct when in this frame of mind. I burn bridges. I burn everything. Later, sometimes, I regret my actions. I know enough about myself to know when it's wise to lay low before I just raze everything to the ground.
I remember once, when I was a kid living in the A-frame chalet in Black Mountain, I felt the Bleakness on my soul and I decided to cheer myself up by throwing my balsa wood airplane from the second floor loft and watching it circle slowly to the floor below. I saw where I was doing no wrong; however, Granny expressed displeasure at this activity. Instead of just stopping, I went to the most remote are of the chalet and proceeded to transform my airplane into toothpicks. I couldn't go outside and fly it because the neighbourhood was not the best in the world. I couldn't fly it indoors. What was the point in having it. And, even as it broke my heart to watch my plane reduced to tiny pile of shredded wood, I could not stop myself from destroying it. Why keep it? It was of no use to me and I obviously could not let it be what it needed to be: an airplane. The only logical course of action was to get rid of it.
Throughout my life, I've transformed various figurative balsa wood airplanes into smouldering piles of toothpicks. I've almost always regretted it later, but it never stops me from going there when I become of a mind. What usually triggers it is the feeling of uselessness or hopelessness. If the plane can't fly, just ground it....permanently. Right now, that airplane is me. I don't see where I serve any viable purpose anywhere. I'm frustrated on the publishing front and wonder why I even bother to continue seeking out an agent. One of my literary heroes, Russell Hoban, whose heavenly written voice is sadly barely known in his country of origin, had to leave the US and move to England in order to ever have a hope of a writing career. I have no such option.
The more I observe the ebb and flow of current events, the more it seems obvious to me that I'll always be here in South Carolina, surrounded by people who view me as an aberration, a freak of nature. And, what's so desperately depressing about this is, I know there are people out there of like mind, people who share with me an uncanny world view, and I will never have the opportunity to enjoy any level of friendship with these people. I seem destined to live out my days alone and misunderstood in one of the worst possible places on the planet for someone like myself.
What I have to do is come to grips with this fact of life without destroying the few balsa wood airplanes I've been lucky enough to borrow. There's nothing that I own but a handful of characters no one cares to read. And everything else is so unimportant as to go completely unnoticed at worst, or held in vague disregard at best. I'm weary of the same story playing itself out in my life as time marches on. I'm beginning to wonder if there's a lesson to be learnt from the repetition at all or if it's just some cosmic joke whose punchline is utterly lost on me.
And people wonder why it is I get excited about 12/21/2012.
I am in a dark place and I'm trying to salvage what I can by withdrawing. I tend to self-destruct when in this frame of mind. I burn bridges. I burn everything. Later, sometimes, I regret my actions. I know enough about myself to know when it's wise to lay low before I just raze everything to the ground.
I remember once, when I was a kid living in the A-frame chalet in Black Mountain, I felt the Bleakness on my soul and I decided to cheer myself up by throwing my balsa wood airplane from the second floor loft and watching it circle slowly to the floor below. I saw where I was doing no wrong; however, Granny expressed displeasure at this activity. Instead of just stopping, I went to the most remote are of the chalet and proceeded to transform my airplane into toothpicks. I couldn't go outside and fly it because the neighbourhood was not the best in the world. I couldn't fly it indoors. What was the point in having it. And, even as it broke my heart to watch my plane reduced to tiny pile of shredded wood, I could not stop myself from destroying it. Why keep it? It was of no use to me and I obviously could not let it be what it needed to be: an airplane. The only logical course of action was to get rid of it.
Throughout my life, I've transformed various figurative balsa wood airplanes into smouldering piles of toothpicks. I've almost always regretted it later, but it never stops me from going there when I become of a mind. What usually triggers it is the feeling of uselessness or hopelessness. If the plane can't fly, just ground it....permanently. Right now, that airplane is me. I don't see where I serve any viable purpose anywhere. I'm frustrated on the publishing front and wonder why I even bother to continue seeking out an agent. One of my literary heroes, Russell Hoban, whose heavenly written voice is sadly barely known in his country of origin, had to leave the US and move to England in order to ever have a hope of a writing career. I have no such option.
The more I observe the ebb and flow of current events, the more it seems obvious to me that I'll always be here in South Carolina, surrounded by people who view me as an aberration, a freak of nature. And, what's so desperately depressing about this is, I know there are people out there of like mind, people who share with me an uncanny world view, and I will never have the opportunity to enjoy any level of friendship with these people. I seem destined to live out my days alone and misunderstood in one of the worst possible places on the planet for someone like myself.
What I have to do is come to grips with this fact of life without destroying the few balsa wood airplanes I've been lucky enough to borrow. There's nothing that I own but a handful of characters no one cares to read. And everything else is so unimportant as to go completely unnoticed at worst, or held in vague disregard at best. I'm weary of the same story playing itself out in my life as time marches on. I'm beginning to wonder if there's a lesson to be learnt from the repetition at all or if it's just some cosmic joke whose punchline is utterly lost on me.
And people wonder why it is I get excited about 12/21/2012.
Mature Serious Survey
Aug. 15th, 2009 08:08 pmBecause I'm a mature, serious person.
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? Here are questions for the people who are a little older... Copy and paste into your own note, then answer the questions.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Medical bills for care that was not provided.
2. Do you miss being a child?
I was never a child.
3. Chore you hate the most?
Being friendly
4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
The India Palace back in 1997
5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I wouldn't have pretended to be such a good child. I would have stirred the pot more and maybe not allowed folks to take it for granted that I'd be the good, low-maintenance kid.
6. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Fultz
7. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Laughing
8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A singer or a writer
9. How many colleges did you attend?
Three (Wofford, Greenville Tech, and Spartanburg Community College). This doesn't include the Invisible College or the School of Hard Knocks, though.
10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It has Joker on it asking the Eternal Question: Why so serious?
11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
They're better than they were this time last years, is all I can say.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn't. Having had been up all night, I was the alarm.
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"Man, I wish I could sleep!" and then I proceeded not to.
14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Whoopi Goldberg. I think she and I could be fast friends. Of course, I've been wrong about such things in the past, so I'll just settle for dinner.
15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Oh yes. The Fast and the Furious-level crashing.
16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer
I'm not able to work, but I am volunteering, just not in the sense this question is probably asked.
17. Get up early or sleep in?
If I can sleep, I'm going to sleep. Period.
18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Ren Hoek
19. Favorite thing to do at night?
If I can't sleep, my favourite thing to do is sit in the pitch black and write whilst listening to music.
20. When did you first start feeling old?
I was born old.
21. Favorite lunch meat?
I like roast beast.
22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
A raging headache and the urge to kill
23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
I think it's what it needs to be for whomever wants to participate in such tomfoolery.
24. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
I don't care who knows what about my movie-watching habits. People who know me know I have a very bad one, though. Habit, that is.
25. What's your favorite drink?
Cheerwine
26. Who[m] from high school would you like to run in to?
The length of the list depends upon how large a vehicle I'd be given for the task.
27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
105.5, as that's where my tuner gets a nice signal for Son of iGor to channel through.
28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
LOST
29. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
I was directly across from my boss aka The Feudal Mistress, when I still worked. We despised each other with a passion rarely felt in this age of apathy.
31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
Hitting someone over the head? Sadly, no.
32. Last book you finished reading?
The Psychic Vampire Codex by Michelle Belanger (it wasn't a thorough reading; rather, a rehash)
33. Do you have a teddy bear?
Negative
34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
My mouth is a pretty strange place as is. Or do you mean the location in which I found myself whilst brushing my teeth? Uhm... It's not strange, but the circumstances were. I was in the West Country of England brushing my teeth when the ice cream man came tootling by. His music was the theme song from Monty Python's Flying Circus. You get your Nutty Buddies in style in England.
35. Do you go to church?
When asked to sing at lay-led services, I attend the local UU; otherwise, I've been a long-time member of the Church of the Poison Mind.
36. How old are you?
41, soon to be 42.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Medical bills for care that was not provided.
2. Do you miss being a child?
I was never a child.
3. Chore you hate the most?
Being friendly
4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
The India Palace back in 1997
5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I wouldn't have pretended to be such a good child. I would have stirred the pot more and maybe not allowed folks to take it for granted that I'd be the good, low-maintenance kid.
6. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Fultz
7. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Laughing
8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A singer or a writer
9. How many colleges did you attend?
Three (Wofford, Greenville Tech, and Spartanburg Community College). This doesn't include the Invisible College or the School of Hard Knocks, though.
10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It has Joker on it asking the Eternal Question: Why so serious?
11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
They're better than they were this time last years, is all I can say.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn't. Having had been up all night, I was the alarm.
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
"Man, I wish I could sleep!" and then I proceeded not to.
14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Whoopi Goldberg. I think she and I could be fast friends. Of course, I've been wrong about such things in the past, so I'll just settle for dinner.
15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Oh yes. The Fast and the Furious-level crashing.
16. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer
I'm not able to work, but I am volunteering, just not in the sense this question is probably asked.
17. Get up early or sleep in?
If I can sleep, I'm going to sleep. Period.
18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Ren Hoek
19. Favorite thing to do at night?
If I can't sleep, my favourite thing to do is sit in the pitch black and write whilst listening to music.
20. When did you first start feeling old?
I was born old.
21. Favorite lunch meat?
I like roast beast.
22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
A raging headache and the urge to kill
23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
I think it's what it needs to be for whomever wants to participate in such tomfoolery.
24. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
I don't care who knows what about my movie-watching habits. People who know me know I have a very bad one, though. Habit, that is.
25. What's your favorite drink?
Cheerwine
26. Who[m] from high school would you like to run in to?
The length of the list depends upon how large a vehicle I'd be given for the task.
27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
105.5, as that's where my tuner gets a nice signal for Son of iGor to channel through.
28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
LOST
29. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
I was directly across from my boss aka The Feudal Mistress, when I still worked. We despised each other with a passion rarely felt in this age of apathy.
31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
Hitting someone over the head? Sadly, no.
32. Last book you finished reading?
The Psychic Vampire Codex by Michelle Belanger (it wasn't a thorough reading; rather, a rehash)
33. Do you have a teddy bear?
Negative
34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
My mouth is a pretty strange place as is. Or do you mean the location in which I found myself whilst brushing my teeth? Uhm... It's not strange, but the circumstances were. I was in the West Country of England brushing my teeth when the ice cream man came tootling by. His music was the theme song from Monty Python's Flying Circus. You get your Nutty Buddies in style in England.
35. Do you go to church?
When asked to sing at lay-led services, I attend the local UU; otherwise, I've been a long-time member of the Church of the Poison Mind.
36. How old are you?
41, soon to be 42.
