Gin-Soaked Boy

Just....listen.

The Cliffs of Insanitweets

( random mutterings of the mentally unstable )

Lovely Groaner

Bestowed upon me by the effervescent falkenna!

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I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They’re in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men, which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What's going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, “Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.”

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My 25 Minute Errand from Hell

I have a distinct insensitivity to heat and cold, but especially cold. This is a symptom of Fibromyalgia. Even in the Summer, I usually keep cold hands and feet, and that's a feat here in the Armpit of Hell.

Today has been our first cool day. It's actually in the 50s right now. After 75-80+ degree weather every day, this is quite a shock to the system, especially my system...and I had to go out in it to get mine and Aunt Tudi's monthly prescriptions, or we would have woken up dead tomorrow. That said, this is my only mildly enhanced account of my errand.

I put on every pair of socks I own and they still frosted over. I put on three pairs of underwear, four pairs of pants, seven tee shirts, two flannel shirts, a scarf, a toque, gloves (Isotoner!...not really) and my glasses. I got my iPod, my car keys, the money for the meds, and various protective amulets, and I ran screaming out of the house into the misty, rainy wasteland that is the Armpit of Hell in October. I didn't even hesitate to open the gate. I leapt over it like a gazelle in heat and landed squarely in my car without memory of having unlocked it or opened the door.

Hooking up the iPod with numbing digits, I threw on some angry crunk tunes, and did a wheelie out of the driveway. Before I could even go to the drug store, I had to drop by the post office first. I skidded into a parking spot and shouted, "Like a ga-love!" at the fearful moon faces that turned in my direction. I flew from the car, ran in, checked the mail box and expressed my extreme displeasure at the amount of junk mail by threatening the closest postal worker I could find. Before the angry employee could pull out her arsenal to take me out, I hauled ass out of there and departed the post office, my tires squealing satisfactorily.

In less than five minutes, I was at the drug store. The nice lady asked me my name and I asked her who wanted to know before I realised she needed that in order to get the meds. "Oh what you must think of me," I joked, quoting Mr. Horse before we found out he was a walrus hostage-taker and latex abuser. The nice lady gave me the prescriptions and thanked me very nicely. I threw the money at her, screaming obscenities in her general direction as I sped off because, by then, I was Fast and Furious at having my window down long enough to lose all feeling in my extremities. By that my brain was beginning to freeze as well, and not from anything pleasant like a Slurpee (God forbid we have 7-11's here, that might make the people...happy), so I took things up a notch and stopped for no one.

On my way home, I squished one tortoise, three cats, two dogs, a moose, Bigfoot, two teenagers in love, 7,586,998,511 amoeba, the village idiot, three small children (I had to detour into their yards, but it was worth the time taken), eleven chipmunks, six squirrels, 2 winos, and a partridge in a pear tree. Aunt Tudi screamed with horror at all the blood, hair, and bits of bone clinging to my car as I shrieked to her to shut her pie hole and open the door, I was coming in fast! She quieted down and forgot about the car when I presented her with a pear I got off the pear tree. Throwing the prescriptions against the wall in a fit of nihilistic what-the-fuckery, I retreated to my love seat and fleece throw. And here I sit attempting to get warm. So far it hasn't worked.

I was gone for 25 minutes. Duncan will never again be the same.

All of this was true. Every word.

Silverware gone bad...horribly horribly bad.

Sent to me by the wise and funny brujah.