The Toenail
Dec. 20th, 2011 01:44 pmTwo or three weeks, during one of my more spectacular falls, the one that broke Aunt Tudi's happy face table, I ripped out my right big toenail three quarters of the way out. I ended up having to go to a podiatrist to have it removed the rest of the way because my poor excuse for a family doctor "doesn't do toenails." Add that to a long list of things she doesn't do and doesn't prescribe. Bleh. Anyway, back to the story at hand.
When I went to the podiatrist, he said that the toenail was literally attached by a mere wisp of now-infected skin. I told him I would have just pulled it off the rest of the way, but I was a little too scared to do so. He told me that I would have been in excruciating pain if I'd done that and assured me that he would deaden the toe before he removed the nail the rest of the way. He gave me two big shots of Novocain and, after a few minutes, took these godawful pliers and yanked the nail out the rest of the way. I asked him if I could keep the nail, that I wanted to freak my family out, and he looked at me like I'd just hopped out of a UFO and said "take me to your leader." It turns out I was like the third person that week who had asked to keep their toenail. He slipped the monstrosity into a biohazard bag (which made me feel really great about myself) and gave it to me, after wrapping up my toe, saying a prayer, and writing in my chart that I was yet another weirdo to cross his path.
When I got home, I showed the toenail to Uncle Michael, Janice and Johnna's two youngest kids. They were all "EWWWWW," except for Uncle Michael who, with me, got to speculating about what I could do with my nail. Here are some of the things we came up with.
We decided that the best idea was to put the toenail on display like the Crown Jewels in a clear plastic box that said, "for viewing only, protected by ADT."
Today, Uncle Michael gave me a round Franklin Mint coin holder. He said that would protect the nail until he could build me a display. He's serious. Once I have the display ready and get a new camera (I broke mine in another spectacular fall), I'll take pictures and post them here.
When I went to the podiatrist, he said that the toenail was literally attached by a mere wisp of now-infected skin. I told him I would have just pulled it off the rest of the way, but I was a little too scared to do so. He told me that I would have been in excruciating pain if I'd done that and assured me that he would deaden the toe before he removed the nail the rest of the way. He gave me two big shots of Novocain and, after a few minutes, took these godawful pliers and yanked the nail out the rest of the way. I asked him if I could keep the nail, that I wanted to freak my family out, and he looked at me like I'd just hopped out of a UFO and said "take me to your leader." It turns out I was like the third person that week who had asked to keep their toenail. He slipped the monstrosity into a biohazard bag (which made me feel really great about myself) and gave it to me, after wrapping up my toe, saying a prayer, and writing in my chart that I was yet another weirdo to cross his path.
When I got home, I showed the toenail to Uncle Michael, Janice and Johnna's two youngest kids. They were all "EWWWWW," except for Uncle Michael who, with me, got to speculating about what I could do with my nail. Here are some of the things we came up with.
- Drill a hole through it, affix some string and voila! a Christmas tree ornament.
- Use some Polident and glue it to my front teeth, then go around the flea market grinning at horrified patrons.
- Nail it to my front door as decoration
- Show it off as my "pet."
We decided that the best idea was to put the toenail on display like the Crown Jewels in a clear plastic box that said, "for viewing only, protected by ADT."
Today, Uncle Michael gave me a round Franklin Mint coin holder. He said that would protect the nail until he could build me a display. He's serious. Once I have the display ready and get a new camera (I broke mine in another spectacular fall), I'll take pictures and post them here.
