Neurologist Visit

So I went to see the incredibly handsome Dr. Pilch today. He changed my migraine medicine from Relpax to Maxalt, but wouldn't prescribe the hydrocodone that I typically take with the migraine medicine, still insisting that I need a pain management doctor for that. I've yet to be successful with that, so even though I told him I could not afford to continue going to urgent care each time I have a migraine, he said sorry, and sent me on my way.

When I have a full-blown migraine, it is crippling. I am not exaggerating. I can't get up without falling down. I can't see properly. I can't think. I am completely useless, moreso than usual. So I figure if I have a migraine that makes me feel like I'm dying, I'm not gonna take the migraine medicine, and I'm gonna see if the headache kills me. Hell, I might be having mini-strokes. Whatever it is, que sera sera, or however it's spelled.

One cool thing about the Maxalt: It's made in Swindon! I've concluded that nothing but groovy things come from Swindon. I wish I could visit there, but that's not gonna happen. I can't even visit the convenience store up the road unless I walk about two miles up there. They're open 24 hours a day, though, so I may try to make the journey in the middle of the night, and hope for the best.

I wish I could be more like popfiend.

The Hummingbird

Granny's favourite bird was the hummingbird.

Just after her death, we started getting "flocks" of hummingbirds around the house. They didn't come in flocks, but there were tons of individual hummingbirds that flitted around our house, almost every minute of every day.

When we went to Craggy Gardens to spread her ashes, a hummingbird came and literally hovered face-to-face with Aunt Tudi. It comforted her in a way none of us ever could. Both of us believed it was Granny's spirit telling us that she was okay.

Aunt Tudi's favourite bird was the Carolina Chickadee, which very often came around our home, especially in the Winter time. This is the second season after her death, and I haven't seen one chickadee. They used frequent our home, and particularly loved the Witch Tree (contorted filbert). I haven't seen one chickadee since her death. I think I would have found comfort in seeing a chickadee just like Aunt Tudi was comforted in the hummingbirds that seemed to gravitate to her.

There has been nothing. I have had no sign whatsoever that Aunt Tudi's spirit is anywhere around me, is watching over me in someway. That's one of many reasons I question the existence of any higher power now. My faith in signs and portents of any sort may well be so deep, I may never recover it. My bear totem seems ridiculous to believe in. The owl spirit I have long honoured and adored seems irretrievable. Any sort of message from the natural world around me is lost on me, I don't see or hear proof of existence.

Perhaps I could have healed just a little if I had been given any sign that her spirit lives on, but I haven't. It sort of makes you think that upon death, there's nothing. Absolutely nothing. And part of me wants to believe in that, because nothing is better than every moment of your life is bereft of hope or meaning.