50 Shades of WTF

Do I have a tale to tell…

Let’s start from the beginning.  On a cold December night in 2012, I got a horrific migraine.  It was my third in a week.  I had already been to the e/r once with the first one and the doctor had prescribed me a medication I’d never heard of to take home in case I had another.  

 

It worked for the second one.  For this one, however, it did not.  So, even though I was still not supposed to be driving from my previous seizure incident, and was really kind of afraid to - which is why I don’t drive now - I got in the car to go back to the hospital.

 

I was stopped by a policeman on the way and he charged me with a DUI.  It turns out the medication was a barbiturate.  I had to pay a fine and sign up for ADSAP classes, even though I had decided driving was not going to be in my future.  I did all of that.  I attended all the classes I could before moving to California, which I informed them I was doing.  Everything seemed okay.

 

Fast-forward to 2017.  Last week, I decided to take an Internet holiday.  Just delete everything so there’d be no temptation, and limit myself to just Netflix and Hulu, if I got bored with doing non-Net stuff.  Everything was fine and I figured I’d return to social media in a couple of weeks.

 

Then, on Sunday, there came a knock at the door.  It was a policeman.  He was there doing a welfare check on me.  He said some friends were concerned because I had disappeared from the Internet.  I told him I was fine, and everything seemed to be copacetic as he checked my ID to verify I was the one he was sent to check on.  

 

That’s when things went pear-shaped.  It turns out, I had a three-year-old outstanding bench warrant for contempt of court, for failing to enroll in ADSAP.  I explained to him that I did enroll and attend, but didn’t finish because of the move.  Since I still have my California ID, he believed me, but said I still had to explain that to the judge, so I was handcuffed and carted off to rendezvous with a Spartanburg officer, who took me to that county’s detention facility.  He, too, was certain I’d be released as soon as I explained the situation to the judge.

 

Nope.

 

The judge said I had to reach out to the judge who originally ruled on my DUI and, until I heard back from him, I would be spending my days and nights in the pokey for the next three to four weeks.  

 

Once I was transferred to my pod, as they call it, and told my cellmates what had happened and what the judge suggested I do, they all said that it was pretty much hopeless.  Once you’re in the system, no one will listen to you, so I may as well make myself comfortable.  I did not listen, though.  I had to at least try.  

 

Monday morning, I logged on to their kiosk and wrote out my story to the judge.  Even though I didn’t think it would do any good, I figured I would give it a shot nonetheless.  I was as eloquent, polite, and precise as possible.  The guard told me that the judge would have three days to respond to my request.  I doubted it would turn out in my favour.  

 

But, this morning, I was summoned to court, and the judge explained to me that I would have to re-enroll in ADSAP, even though I no longer drive, because that’s the “law”.  I have until the 17th to do so.  He released me on my own recognizance since I have never been in trouble before or after the night of the migraine from hell.  

 

And there you have it.  The lessons here are clear:

 

1) Don’t try to drive anywhere with a migraine after taking medicine you’re not familiar with.

 

2) Don’t take an ‘okay’ as okay over the phone from anyone associated with the “system”.  Get it in writing, in triplicate, and keep that shit forever. 

 

3) Don’t listen to what others are telling you when your gut is advising otherwise.  Your inner sense knows best.

 

4) Don’t ever ever EVER fucking delete your Facebook account, or you may end up in an episode of Orange is the New Black.

In conclusion, I had no idea that, upon moving back to South Carolina, the Upstate's welcome wagon doubles as the paddy wagon. Sheesh...