See me shiver with hesi.......................................tation.

[tinhuviel]

There have been a wee handful of people whom I met online that I have met in real life. The number of folks I'd like to meet or who have expressed a desire to meet me is much greater. Why don't I then?

Well, it's like this. The personality online, particularly on LJ, is the the honest me, the one that has no trouble emoting and expressing. The me in real life is painfully shy, stumbles over her words, and basically is an utter fuck-up because I'm so self-conscious and shy. It takes a while, but first impressions are hard to overcome, so I hesitate to make myself available in RL. Despite my Sithly attitude, I enjoy people liking me, especially people that I like, and I find it distasteful even thinking about ruining their image of me because of my horrible social abilities, or serious lack thereof.

Now this sounds like I put across a personality that I'm not, but that's not true. I'm much more comfortable writing than I am speaking face to face or especially talking on the phone. My lack of inhibitions and honesty shine through on my journal because I want my life to be an open book; however, I can't seem to find my voice by any other means unless I know you very well and for a very long time. _willowmyst and D spent over a week with me a few years ago and it took some time for us to gel as well in RL as it did online. I regret the time we had to waste while I found my legs, but it's a fact of life with me. The same happened with falkenna.

I get fairly nauseated thinking about my pending face-to-face with Barry. I'm certain I shall come across as a short-bus riding professional drooler. I shudder to imagine it....

And the time I talked with clauderainsrm, I jabbered like an idiot 'cos I was so nervous. I just don't do well in social settings...not at all.

I just don't fancy disappointing people with whom I've formed a bond. Everyone else can hop off to hell for all I care. That said, I wouldn't have one problem in the world telling Dubya to his face exactly what I think of him. I don't give a shit what he thinks of me and, as far as I'm concerned, he could choke on a pretzel right now and I'd not feel a thing but relief that he was gone. But anyone on my friends list would get the shy, stumbling soul I tend to become when I'm face to face with someone I admire, but have not yet met. I was a basket case when I met Weird Al Yankovic. So much I could have said, but did I? No. Just couldn't. I'm an idiot.

carmenwatson has invited me for a visit on my way to Mother Ocean. Do I dare? I'd like to, but my shyness may not allow me. ::kicks self:: Someday I might overcome it all. With my luck, I'll die shortly thereafter.

Comments

[aditi-.livejournal.com]

I'm quite shy as well and socially inept. We'd get along great. :)