Redeye Grandé

[tinhuviel]

We're back from Asheville and I would now like to talk about the coffee that I purchased on the way out of town this morning. I knew that I'd be sore pressed to drive to Asheville with a budding headache and a mere four hours of fitful sleep under my belt. So Aunt Tudi and I stopped at Curbside Coffee, which is right up the road from us just before you get on I-85. I got Aunt Tudi a 24 oz. hazelnut latte and myself a concoction called the Redeye Grandé. The first couple of sips of this potion were horrid but, after my tastebuds were eaten away, it started tasting pretty damned good!

What is the Redeye Grandé? According to Curbside Coffee's menu, it's a double Espresso w/coffee and sugar and cream upon request. But this is misleading. I know the frightening truth now, having just come down from the most gruesome caffeine high I've ever experienced. I'm shaking like a leaf on a tree (not to be quoting Elvis, but damn...) and I'm finding it hard to type this. Now, I had this coffee at 8:30 this morning and it is now almost 1 PM. As Sam Neill repeatedly emoted at the end of Event Horizon, "Do you SEE???"

Here are the ingredients of the Redeye Grandé, for real and true:

A double Espresso w/coffee, one pound of natural sugar, the entire contents of a freshly-lactating cow, gasoline, uranium, Red 40, LSD, crack, smack, whack, Emeril (he provided the necessary BAM!), petroleum jelly, small bits of plastic, a thumbtack, rocket fuel, crystal meth, the marching hammers from Pink Floyd's "The Wall," sub-atomic sludge, dilithium crystals, the sacred name of Jehovah, a brick, wolverine musk, ground up bones of twelve rabid velociraptors, eye of newt, eye of Ripley, eye of Hudson (oh hell, you get the idea: the eyes of the entire cast of Aliens), the sex drive of a nerdly sixteen year old male virgin, a large tire, 50 Cent's leftover bling, Rob Zombie, and one hamster in a wheel.

On the way up to Asheville, we listened to Johnny Cash. Do you know what happens when you combine a constant "doo-wacka-doo" with a Redeye Grandé? Well, by the time we made it to drugstore for Aunt Tudi's flu shot, I was rocking back and forth like the mostest special soul on the short bus to Hell. I was a wild-eyed she-bitch with nowhere to run. I drove like an extra in a Mad Max movie. I was beyond fucking Thunderdome! I felt like I had been whipped into a religious frenzy by angry nuns with garden sticks. I wanted to scamper about scraping my tongue with a razor blade and crying out the name of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Despite my crashing hard from such an extreme high, it's still going to take a kick to the head by Mr. Horse himself to knock my crazed arse out tonight. Until then, I'll be doo-wacka-doo'ing and feeling like one of Syd Barrett's bad dreams.

O_O

Comments

[mystchainsister.livejournal.com]

well, good golly miss molly.....
glad you made the trip safely.

Quick 10CC's of Sleeptime Tea!

[durgablue.livejournal.com]

Holy crap dude!

I was rocking back and forth like the mostest special soul on the short bus to Hell.

Was it the Rob Zombie or the wolverine musk that was the deciding ingredient that really tipped you over the edge?

Do you have a mitral valve prolapse? If you didn't before, I'd say you've got one now!

Re: Quick 10CC's of Sleeptime Tea!

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I think it was the thumbtack that did me in. Sleepytime tea sounds perfect. I'm off to find my stash.

[emerald-ibis.livejournal.com]

twelve rabid velociraptors
It could be worse. Twelve is better than thirteen or fourteen. But the hamster in a wheel? Now they're just being show-offs. :P

*shakes head* You've gone out the other door of sober. It's weird...I knew it happened in Terry Pratchett novels (there's a drunk character, you see, who is sometimes given coffee to sober him up - only, if they get it wrong, he goes TOO sober).

It'll be OK, dear. Go lie down, there's a good boo. I second the tea suggestion, too.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

I *heart* you.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Awwww...

::dances about like a Weeble on skates::

[teague.livejournal.com]

Ho-ly shit. I *have* to get me some of that!

I'm particularly amused by the Event Horizon referance, a truely under rated horror movie. (I consider it a secret lovechild sibling to the Hellraiser movies.)

I think the hamster wheel might annoy me. I might have to get mine vente`

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Event Horizon is one of my favourite movies. The best scene EVAR is where they finally decode the ship's logs and see what happened, then, in his best deadpan voice, Laurence Fishburne says "We're leavin'."

Uh..YEAH!

[teague.livejournal.com]

Now, here is something to keep yourself amused. Imagine other black actors delivering that line.

First, start with something mellow. Morgan Freeman. Still dignified.
Now, Samuel L. Jackson..."Bitch, we *are* leaving!"
Ok, now Chris Tucker. (Think 5th Element) W-w-w-wwE *are* *LEAVING!*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

There's just something about a beautiful large-eyed black man screaming like a twelve-year-old girl. Chris Tucker wets my willy.

[teague.livejournal.com]

I STILL PICTURE ...*cough* ahem* Kitten on the keyboard

I still picture him in that slinky velvet outfit the the roses around the low cut scoop collar. Oh man. The only men I can imagine that looking good on is him, and Prince.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't THAT be a yummy sammich?

[teague.livejournal.com]

Hell yeah!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Okay, I can't even LOL at this.

I swear-to-god I almost pissed mah britches.

Every time you talk about going to Asheville, I think about going to see mah daddy in Boone. How far apart are they?

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Boone is a good ways north of Asheville. Llew and I went there for a Dave Matthews acoustic concert. We drove up in 70 degree weather, stayed overnight, and drove back in 4 inches of snow. Boone is that bizarre. Lovely town, though. I'd love to live there.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen it yet, but I want to. My dad bought a 'mountain house' there. Basically a glorified doublewide in a gated community. He doesn't understand why I'm not kicking asphalt to get there, but hell. I LIVE in mountains. What's the draw? I still wish he'd gotten a beach house instead.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

There's something particularly special about the NC mountains though (although I'm obviously biased). A fine example is the Brown Mountain, the inspiration for the book and movie "Escape to Witch Mountain."

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I did love the drive to Asheville, skimming through Tennessee last December. They're beautiful, but I think I probably feel the same way about my own.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I think that's natural!

[falkenna.livejournal.com]

. . .and one of the verses in Fleetwood Mac's "Hypnotized"

[aditi-.livejournal.com]

OMG you need to put a disclaimer on that post!
*crying from laughin' so hard*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

::bows::

You flatter me. ;)

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

If I EVER drink another one of those, you have permission to sacrifice me to the Beast.

[falkenna.livejournal.com]

LMAO. Serves you right! No sympathy with extreme caffeine abuse.

However, the quality of this post makes me wonder if it always has seriously surreal and therefore beneficial effects on your writing . . .

(I'm confused, what's "Espresso w/coffee"? Does that mean piss-poor American brown water poured over the Italian real thing, like mixing port'n'brandy?)

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I think they mix Espresso with a different kind of coffee. I dunno! It's all a fog to me now. But I can safely say that's what the menu said.

[quoth-the-maven.livejournal.com]

the "doo-wacka-doo" almost made me piss myself.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Me too. That's why I'll wear an adult diaper the next time I drink this coffee and listen to Johnny Cash.

[quoth-the-maven.livejournal.com]

doo-wacka-doo-wacka-doo-wacka-doo...