I feel like a Bobble Head

Honestly

I feel as though my head is on a spring attached to my neck and it's just bobbling to and fro without any control whatsoever. I'm so sleepy!

My oldest dog, Henry, is walking the floors at night. He gets me up now at 2 every morning to be fed his breakfast. He sleeps all day and dog naps at night, choosing to constantly click his toenails on the hardwood floors as he roams the house. Henry is like my child so any sound he makes instantly gets my attention. You can see my dilemma.

Bless his heart, I know it's his arthritis that keeps him up at night. Even though he is on anti-inflammatory meds, the poor canine is still in pain.

Have you noticed how older animals and people stop sleeping at night? My grandmother used to do that. The older she got, the less she slept during the night. The sun would come up and BAM! she was sound asleep.

Henry is now the same way. He's a 14 year old beagle ~ deaf, blind, arthritic. He's still spry for his age and doesn't seem to be excessive pain ~ he's just stiff from the old joints. His back legs sometimes give out and I've already decided that, when he can no longer walk, I will do the merciful thing.

But he roams the house in the night, refusing to allow me to sleep in his quest ~ for what? I do not know....

Perhaps the Path to Death is a nocturnal one.

Am I losing him?

I just got off the phone with Lew.

Things have been going badly for him ~ very badly. And this argument with Aunt Tudi seemed to compound the problems. He's sorrowful and unsure. But he's sure of one thing:

that he cannot be around Aunt Tudi right now. And that means that we cannot be together until he resolves the conflict in his heart and mind when it comes to my unfortunate and special situation.

Am I losing him?

I feel that I am. I cannot let him suffer the pain I am so used to when it comes to Aunt Tudi. I'd tried so hard to forge a strong basis for them to learn one another without conflict. But there's always conflict when it comes to Aunt Tudi.

I'm trying so hard to get her help, but it may be too late for Lew and me. We can't be together without a cloud of fear over our heads. And his rash of tragedies makes for an even worse situation.

I don't know what to do.

I have told him that, if it means his happiness in the future, I will release him, forcefully if need be. At first he said this wouldn't even be an option, that nothing could come between us.

Now he's not so sure.

I wish he could realise how much I do love him and that it's a miracle that I love at all, given my past. I would do anything I could for him, but I don't think he wants me to anymore.

One argument.....one fucking argument ~ and everything disintegrates.