Day in the Life

I had to go out today.  One of my few trips each month, always to Walmart, sometimes to a doctor. Today was Walmart.  I barely made it through the store.  I got so breathless, and my neck just ached.  I could barely stand upright, and I used the cart most of the time to keep standing.  At one point, my eyes got all spotty and I knew I was about to pass out, but didn't.  By the time I checked out, I was overwhelmed with nausea, and actually had to rush outside and hurl the little bit of coffee I'd drunk an hour earlier.  Fun Fun Fun.  It's probably my anaemia, which has gotten worse.  I know the doctor is going to try to get me to take iron, but I ended up having to suffer rectal reconstruction surgery because the iron I was taking for my condition resulted in my being ripped apart by monster feces.  That's not happening again.  I'd rather collapse in Walmart than enjoy the horrors of flambodious butthole surgery.  

On the way to Walmart, some therapy place in Greenville called.  My new doctor had referred me to them, because I was honest about my suicidal ideation.  I stopped that train pronto.  The copay is $40 a visit, and they recommend two visits a month.  Silly dude who called me:  don't you know only the well-off can get mental health assistance in Murica?  Besides, I know the routine by now, since I've been playing that particular game sinc Aunt Tudi died.  Anyway, his voice full of concern, psych dude brought up the suicidal ideation and that I'd told the doctor I thought about it every day.  I informed him, I'd been doing that since 2011 and I was still here.  Everyone's gotta have a fucking hobby, right?  He then asked if I would come in for an assessment.  NOPE.  I told him that I went in for an assessment once and was forced to go into the hospital.  I'm not going down that road.  There's no point. 

Toby is getting worse.  I'm trying him on Benadryl to see if helps his cough at all.  If I don't see any improvement in his overall health, I'm taking Tobes to Dr. Patch so that he can cross over peacefully.  It's gonna be particularly hard, since I know this is the last time I'll see Doc and the crew.  No being should be forced to just linger in a world of nothing but pain and illness, with no reprieve or hope of one.  It'll be my last act of kindness to Toby, my final fur friend.  And it'll be my last act of kindness to myself.