Another Early Night
Jun. 19th, 2003 09:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tinhuvielLast night I hit the hay at 8:30. It's 8:30 and I'm signing off from the waking world world as soon as I finish this post. It's been a long day and I can't seem to get enough sleep.
It could be an empathic thing since Llew has changed bp meds and they're dragging him into the Sleepies as his body becomes accustomed to them. In fact, I've only heard from him once today and he was so tired he almost fell asleep on the phone. I'm hoping he'll come over tomorrow and we can spend some time together. It's been too long and I miss his presence.
Earlier in the day I spoke with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sri3m. Things aren't going so well for her right now. Money, employment, and health problems are dragging her and insanvs down. Needless to say, I'll be keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm hoping to help further if at all humanly possible. I just wish they weren't so far away. When friends are in need and you have no time or fundage to travel, Florida may as well be Mars.
Aunt Tudi is going off to Shelby with Uncle Michael tomorrow. They're going 'round to the flea markets and odds-n-ends shops. Hope they have fun. As for me, that doesn't fry my onions one bit. It has occurred to me in the past few years that I dislike shopping altogether and would much rather stay at home. It's cheaper and less stessful. Besides, I need the house to myself just a little bit so I can practice on the songealdthryth wants me to sing at the UU Church on Sunday. Yeah, I know it by heart, but I'm afraid I'm still a bit vocally rusty.
There are a lot of things going on in my mind right now.
I'm anxious to further develop Llew's and my special relationship, to explore how deep our inclinations go. Neither one of us really thought we'd take the roles we have now but, going over our childhood fantasies, what we're delving into seems much more natural to us. He cherishes me in so many special ways and I am at my happiest when I've made him happy. The arrangement works well...we just need to make it work more often! A thought occurred to me that I've fallen so easily into the sub role because, with Llew, I feel safe enough to relinquish control and responsibility. It's a wonderful feeling being figuratively, and many times, literally cradled in his arms with nothing more to think on than the next thing I can do to make him smile. I'm coming to crave that.
I'm worried about the wls surgery. It seems that every which way I turn, I'm met with an obstacle. The people whom I need to help me the most (my PCP, my insurance rep, etc) are dragging their feet and seemingly unwilling to assist. I'm afraid that, regardless of my needs and all my years of work to be a 'decent citizen', I will be turned away. What really scares me are the thoughts of what measures I'd be desperate enough to take if that happens.
I go back to Dr. Yost on 24 July. I'm going to talk to him about seriously putting me on some sort of anti-depressant. Some days I just barely function and find myself staring at the Internet when I could be doing so many other productive things. He tried me on Prozac a few years ago and all it did was make me sleep and gain weight. I told him about the side effects and he took me off, but I was OK then and didn't think I needed anything else. It's different now that all the weight is back and I have no energy to do anything, nor the Will. On top of that, I think I'm having some sort of panic or anxiety attacks at work when I get so swamped I don't know what to do. When the email alert is going off and the phone is ringing and people are stacking paperwork on my desk and folks are coming up asking me questions all at once, I feel like I'm losing it inside. It's a very scary and un-Tinhuviel thing to do. I'm also going to tell him about my knee again and the fact that my sciatica has been with me for 8 months now and is keeping me up at nights.
I've been neglecting my spirituality. It's a struggle to connect with the Goddess as once I did so easily. So, I am considering going back to basics and having monthly Moons and observing the Sabbats like in the 'good ole days'. I'm dragging out all my tools and doing everything as though I were once again a Dedicant. I need that ritual in my life, it seems, and I need the symbols of ritual more than ever before. Even though Dumbo knows he can fly without it, I bet he sometimes still wants to feel that magic feather tickling his trunk. My ritual life will begin again at Midsummer. May the Goddess and Her consort be happy to see me in Sacred Space once more!
Barry wrote me today. I asked for some lyrics from the new Shriekback album and he sent me two in addition to two sets of lyrics from his Stic Basin project. He also said that he's going to keep a tour journal and will pass the entries on to me for posting to his website as he travels about. I think that's a fabulous idea. Dave Allen and his new band Squall are going to play with him in Portland. The core of our cabal will be there too in addition to fan/album artist Joe. Barry said it was turning into a convention and asked if I was sure I couldn't make it out. Of course I cannot and I told him so. It kills me that I won't get to meet him, but what can be done? I just hope all the other fans with whom I've made contact over the past few years get to go and enjoy to their hearts content...and I don't say that with any envy at all! Everyone has always been very kind and allowed me to live vicariously through them. This time will be no different and for that I'm quite thankful.
As for Barry coming ot the South, the bitterness at how it all failed to gel is fading considerably. I could never be seriously upset with The Bald One for too very long. In fact, I'm fortunate to say that a lot of my preconcieved notions about him (except for that vampire ritualistic serial murderer persona) survived my getting to know him and I know that's quite a feat since we all set ourselves up for disappointment when hero worship is involved. His alter-ego that I conjured up some 13 years ago is growling to be acknowledged once more, thanks to the music Barry sent me. "Feverish Hands" seems so bloody Cadmusian and that, combined with hearing "Going Equipped", has another Cadmus story roiling around in my head...and I haven't even finished Sui Generis! The working title for the new tale is The Tango and I think it shall be quite similar to Beautiful Pets in that it will be Cadmus feeding on a hapless human in his own unique way. The mind is churning.
OK, that's it for me. I'm off to read some on Dune and try to get some sleep before my legs start to ache. Morpheus (the god and Lawrence Fishburne!), come take me away!
It could be an empathic thing since Llew has changed bp meds and they're dragging him into the Sleepies as his body becomes accustomed to them. In fact, I've only heard from him once today and he was so tired he almost fell asleep on the phone. I'm hoping he'll come over tomorrow and we can spend some time together. It's been too long and I miss his presence.
Earlier in the day I spoke with
sri3m. Things aren't going so well for her right now. Money, employment, and health problems are dragging her and insanvs down. Needless to say, I'll be keeping them in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm hoping to help further if at all humanly possible. I just wish they weren't so far away. When friends are in need and you have no time or fundage to travel, Florida may as well be Mars.Aunt Tudi is going off to Shelby with Uncle Michael tomorrow. They're going 'round to the flea markets and odds-n-ends shops. Hope they have fun. As for me, that doesn't fry my onions one bit. It has occurred to me in the past few years that I dislike shopping altogether and would much rather stay at home. It's cheaper and less stessful. Besides, I need the house to myself just a little bit so I can practice on the song
ealdthryth wants me to sing at the UU Church on Sunday. Yeah, I know it by heart, but I'm afraid I'm still a bit vocally rusty. There are a lot of things going on in my mind right now.
I'm anxious to further develop Llew's and my special relationship, to explore how deep our inclinations go. Neither one of us really thought we'd take the roles we have now but, going over our childhood fantasies, what we're delving into seems much more natural to us. He cherishes me in so many special ways and I am at my happiest when I've made him happy. The arrangement works well...we just need to make it work more often! A thought occurred to me that I've fallen so easily into the sub role because, with Llew, I feel safe enough to relinquish control and responsibility. It's a wonderful feeling being figuratively, and many times, literally cradled in his arms with nothing more to think on than the next thing I can do to make him smile. I'm coming to crave that.
I'm worried about the wls surgery. It seems that every which way I turn, I'm met with an obstacle. The people whom I need to help me the most (my PCP, my insurance rep, etc) are dragging their feet and seemingly unwilling to assist. I'm afraid that, regardless of my needs and all my years of work to be a 'decent citizen', I will be turned away. What really scares me are the thoughts of what measures I'd be desperate enough to take if that happens.
I go back to Dr. Yost on 24 July. I'm going to talk to him about seriously putting me on some sort of anti-depressant. Some days I just barely function and find myself staring at the Internet when I could be doing so many other productive things. He tried me on Prozac a few years ago and all it did was make me sleep and gain weight. I told him about the side effects and he took me off, but I was OK then and didn't think I needed anything else. It's different now that all the weight is back and I have no energy to do anything, nor the Will. On top of that, I think I'm having some sort of panic or anxiety attacks at work when I get so swamped I don't know what to do. When the email alert is going off and the phone is ringing and people are stacking paperwork on my desk and folks are coming up asking me questions all at once, I feel like I'm losing it inside. It's a very scary and un-Tinhuviel thing to do. I'm also going to tell him about my knee again and the fact that my sciatica has been with me for 8 months now and is keeping me up at nights.
I've been neglecting my spirituality. It's a struggle to connect with the Goddess as once I did so easily. So, I am considering going back to basics and having monthly Moons and observing the Sabbats like in the 'good ole days'. I'm dragging out all my tools and doing everything as though I were once again a Dedicant. I need that ritual in my life, it seems, and I need the symbols of ritual more than ever before. Even though Dumbo knows he can fly without it, I bet he sometimes still wants to feel that magic feather tickling his trunk. My ritual life will begin again at Midsummer. May the Goddess and Her consort be happy to see me in Sacred Space once more!
Barry wrote me today. I asked for some lyrics from the new Shriekback album and he sent me two in addition to two sets of lyrics from his Stic Basin project. He also said that he's going to keep a tour journal and will pass the entries on to me for posting to his website as he travels about. I think that's a fabulous idea. Dave Allen and his new band Squall are going to play with him in Portland. The core of our cabal will be there too in addition to fan/album artist Joe. Barry said it was turning into a convention and asked if I was sure I couldn't make it out. Of course I cannot and I told him so. It kills me that I won't get to meet him, but what can be done? I just hope all the other fans with whom I've made contact over the past few years get to go and enjoy to their hearts content...and I don't say that with any envy at all! Everyone has always been very kind and allowed me to live vicariously through them. This time will be no different and for that I'm quite thankful.
As for Barry coming ot the South, the bitterness at how it all failed to gel is fading considerably. I could never be seriously upset with The Bald One for too very long. In fact, I'm fortunate to say that a lot of my preconcieved notions about him (except for that vampire ritualistic serial murderer persona) survived my getting to know him and I know that's quite a feat since we all set ourselves up for disappointment when hero worship is involved. His alter-ego that I conjured up some 13 years ago is growling to be acknowledged once more, thanks to the music Barry sent me. "Feverish Hands" seems so bloody Cadmusian and that, combined with hearing "Going Equipped", has another Cadmus story roiling around in my head...and I haven't even finished Sui Generis! The working title for the new tale is The Tango and I think it shall be quite similar to Beautiful Pets in that it will be Cadmus feeding on a hapless human in his own unique way. The mind is churning.
OK, that's it for me. I'm off to read some on Dune and try to get some sleep before my legs start to ache. Morpheus (the god and Lawrence Fishburne!), come take me away!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-06-19 09:20 pm (UTC)I too have battled the depression and anxiety demons. If you have any questions just ask.
Re:
Date: 2003-06-20 04:05 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-06-20 07:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 01:23 am (UTC)I've been doing the exact same thing! That's really kind of cool. I have to admit it's really helped me a lot. I have no idea where it goes from here, but I'm trying really hard not to think about that and to just focus on the moment, ground and keep breathing. Maybe we should trade notes?
Re:
Date: 2003-06-20 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 09:17 am (UTC)What was interesting was that virtually the moment I sat down to do this, I relaxed and calmed down in a way I haven't for months. It was practially instantaneous and spontaneous, prompted by nothing (seemingly) other than the fact that I actually followed through on my intention. That alone was all the confirmation I needed at that point that I was doing the right thing.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 04:25 am (UTC)I know exactly the feeling you're relating here. It makes you wonder why you ever stopped doing this, right? At least that's how it was for me Solstice night. I'm glad we're both back to doing what gives us such peace, aren't you?
no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-06-20 05:54 am (UTC)*that* is a spiritual experience :) i lit a candle for you...be blessed today!
no subject
Date: 2003-06-23 04:25 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-06-23 04:27 am (UTC)and maybe one day I'll learn to close my tags properly too :) :heh:
no subject
Date: 2003-06-21 04:27 pm (UTC)I'd give anything if you could come and stay with me for a month. If you could get the time off work without getting fired (stupid U.S., everybody else in the entire world gets holidays), I'm sure we could work out the other problems, and I could **promise** you: 1)good times 2)living by the sea 3)exciting places to visit 4)meeting B (well, not mine to promise, but probable, subject to his schedule) 5)some weight loss (the lifestyle here is so different. Once I went back to NC for just 3 weeks and gained 25 lbs) 6)stimulating conversation 7)spiritually stimulating situations (though of course I can't promise how your psyche would respond). Some change in your view of life and the world also seems likely -- my first visit of a year changed my whole life.
You so make me want to take you under my wing for a bit!
Re:
Date: 2003-06-21 05:47 pm (UTC)Maybe someday eh?