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[tinhuviel]

So I am home.

The place is so empty, yet so full of Aunt Tudi's presence. The animals keep looking for her. So do I.

How long will this last? I don't think I can take it.

I'll be spending the night at Janice's and Uncle Michael's.

I am utterly bereft.

Comments

[dydan.livejournal.com]

Oh honey... ~hugs~

I wish there was more I could do for you. I hate that I'm so far away, otherwise I'd totally kidnap you!

[gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com]

grief is different for everyone, so sadly i cannot tell you how long it will last.

i meant what i said about you going to england at some point; come out here, see your mum and myself and amanda, but seriously consider that. i think itd be good for you.

<3 you

[aki-dreaming.livejournal.com]

I want, very much, to be nice and positive and upbeat. I also want to be honest. Since you're fTGE, I'm going with honest.

When I lost my grandfather, who raised me, and was the only real friend and true advocate I ever had in this family... I can't describe it. I looked for him everywhere. I knew where he was, understood what it meant, but there was a part of my brain that just keep looking.

When the phone would ring, I would almost expect it to be him. I would see bald men on the street, and I would expect them to be him. When I went to my grandmother's house in Arkansas, I kept thinking I'd turn a corner and he'd be there.

For me, this went on for about a year. I didn't notice it tapering off. It just did. At some point, I was more surprised by the fact that my brain was trying to fabricate him out of thin air than by the fact that he wasn't there and he really was gone.

It did get "easier" (whatEVER the fuck that really means), which is to say it became more bearable. But it took time. And you have to - must - take that time. Don't let anyone try to take it from you. Be gentle with yourself. And for a while, just accept that you might be a little irrational. Or a lot.

Someday I'll tell you the story about my Pappa's beans.

It won't go on forever, I can promise you that.

There's a lot of bruhaha about the "stages of grief" but I've found for the most part it's a piecemeal operation. Everyone does it differently. The stages themselves appear to be valid, but the orders people try to impose upon them is total bullshit.

And there isn't a time schedule. You'll see serving suggestions here and there - "this part takes about this long" type crap - but that has no bearing whatsoever on real life. I don't know who writes that malarky, but I don't think they've ever lost someone who literally meant the world to them.

People need not to be putting timers on things that don't concern them.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

<3 you muchlies.

[aki-dreaming.livejournal.com]

I think it's a very good thing that you're letting people look out for you right now. Staying with friends, family... shit. If you have to tour the country - crashing on the next sofa in line - do it. There will be a point where you won't want that. You'll want to be alone. It might come in phases (it did for me).

My sense of this, from what I've observed over the years, is that you just kind of have to "trust the process" which can be terrifying because the process is sometimes painful and brutalizing. You said it best: Bereft.

But of all the "universal" human experiences, in some ways this is the most individual, and the most alienating. There's just no way to force it to fit a schedule or someone else's demands. And when people try, it usually just makes it much, much worse.

I can't do much from here, except listen, and pontificate, and hope for the best. But I'll do all that and then some, and I will come to the phone (should you choose to utilize it), which I don't do for, like, anyone. Except Shri.

[dydan.livejournal.com]

+1!!

[m0usegrrl.livejournal.com]

Exactly this. <3

[waterdawg.livejournal.com]

It takes a long time. But as said before, it does eventually get easier. Camping out isn't a bad idea, I did that every so often. Our friends came by often. Once I overheard from them - "I don't think she's going to make it, I hope we aren't burying her next." At that point I just wanted to stay home, camped on the recliner, and didn't eat.

PETS: OMG that was the worse. There were certain sounds they would relate with Mike. Oh, the dogs would bark, run to the door, look at me like Daddy's home..... About six months later I used Mike's coffee mug... Set it down on the counter..the dogs heard it and went WILD. That would break my heart all over again.

Just keep in mind that there are no rules about grief and adjusting. You'll find your path - however fast or slow.

I'm sending all the positive thoughts I can.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

I also think the England idea is worth exploring. Something "clicked" for me when you mentioned it.

[elfwench.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, my heart aches for you. Transition is always hardest on those left behind. I am so proud of you for doing what you need to do in this difficult time. If there's anything I can do, let me know. I feel blessed by having gotten to know Aunt Tudi through your posts here, I know you were blessed for having her in your life. It may not seem like it right now, but you are a strong woman and you will get through this. You are loved. {{hugs}}

[zoethe.livejournal.com]

You think you can't get through a single day. Then you get through that day.

You think you can't get through a whole week. Then you get through a week.

You think you can't get through a holiday. Then you get through a holiday.

It's not so much that it gets easier, and that you just learn that you can get through things. Blessings.

[conscience.livejournal.com]

Much love to you.

You will make it. We'll all help to make sure of it.

[booraven22.livejournal.com]

It's gonna take time.And Jill's right, that time is different for everyone. It's 5 years since my dad died and even to this minute, there is a part of my brain, however small, that still clings to the idea that he's just in a hospital room somewhere, waiting to heal & come home.

The pain will lessen. But it will take time. You need new environs for a while. Places hold ghosts, and memories. Right now, you need to grieve and heal.

Go visit your mum & Jill. Consider England. But mostly, let yourself be sad. And be angry.

Love you muchly and am wishing the distance between us was much less. I'm hugging you from afar, my dark sister.

[dferguson.livejournal.com]

There's not much to add to what everybody else has said. There's many good words of love and advice here. I only wish I wasn't so far away. God bless you and keep you strong.