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tinhuvielI am hurting so much right now and I feel like no one in the world could really care less. I've never been so alone before. I'm tired of having to ask the ones who should already be there for just a semblance of attention. I'm weary of being far down on the list of priorities, if I even make that list.
To be honest, I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who to talk to or what I would say if I had someone to talk to.
I got up crying this morning, dreaming about Daddy. For the first time in over two weeks, I make it into REM, and my dreams wake me up. It's heartbreaking to think about how things have gone between him and me, and I wonder and worry now if my pride and sense of Rightness will prevent a complete reconciliation before it's too late. How many times did he set me off to one side and ignore who I really was for his own sake? How many times did I, as a child, just need for him to write me and acknowledge he had a daughter? How many time was I disappointed?
Why do I still have two greeting cards I bought with my allowance in my pre-teens, one for my dad and one for mom, which say "Don't write! The shock might kill me."? Why didn't I ever send them? Probably because I knew it would make absolutely no difference.
So now, we only have a few months left. Aunt Tudi and I are going to try to make it down to Charleston as often as possible, the first journey coming either this weekend or next. I don't even know how to tackle this situation. I still have so much anger and hurt, yet I can't bear to let it continue without resolution. I don't know what to do.
And then there's Llew...
I know he's been having a difficult time. But I still feel that, because I've always been there, because I'm always so understanding about things, that my feelings have lost much of the priority they should hold with him. I feel he's doing the exact same thing my parents did. "Oh, good ole Tin, she's always there. She'll be there when I get back. I'm unconcerned." Maybe I'm too easy. Maybe I should fight for my right to be important instead of depending on my actions, my love, and my loyalty to speak for me. But, if I get it then...was it really given freely or under a shadow of obligation? Was it sincere? Was it an expression of pity?
Does he really love me or am I just a convenient diversion when he has nothing else to occupy his time or mind? This is how I'm feeling now. I don't want to be what's left after all options have been explored. I want to be important to someone! Everyone deserves that at least once in their lives, right? I know he loves me.. I hope he does.. I know he's been through it, but I've been there for him the whole way. I fear that, when I need the same consideration, it will be unavailable.
We have such a brief time in each life. My father is only 58 years old. He took part in the creation of a totally fucked up child and then left her to be raised by his sister and mother because he was fucked up himself. To this day he refuses to take responsibility for all that went on. My mother wanted her own life, wanted to pursue other options. I wonder if she'll want to take back the role she was given when she had me, when she gets a message from Death. I wonder if I'll care of if I'll be torn as to what to do, how to handle it?
All I want to do right now is curl up in Llew's arms and I'll am doing instead is pushing him away.
Why is it, every time I hurt, I insist on doing it alone when that's the last thing I want...or need? Is it because I've always had to handle everything alone and I just don't know any other way? Can I even be taught a different way? Should I even try?
I know all of this is depression talking...but what if all this is helping to cause my depression? The Vicious Circle spins out of control.
To be honest, I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who to talk to or what I would say if I had someone to talk to.
I got up crying this morning, dreaming about Daddy. For the first time in over two weeks, I make it into REM, and my dreams wake me up. It's heartbreaking to think about how things have gone between him and me, and I wonder and worry now if my pride and sense of Rightness will prevent a complete reconciliation before it's too late. How many times did he set me off to one side and ignore who I really was for his own sake? How many times did I, as a child, just need for him to write me and acknowledge he had a daughter? How many time was I disappointed?
Why do I still have two greeting cards I bought with my allowance in my pre-teens, one for my dad and one for mom, which say "Don't write! The shock might kill me."? Why didn't I ever send them? Probably because I knew it would make absolutely no difference.
So now, we only have a few months left. Aunt Tudi and I are going to try to make it down to Charleston as often as possible, the first journey coming either this weekend or next. I don't even know how to tackle this situation. I still have so much anger and hurt, yet I can't bear to let it continue without resolution. I don't know what to do.
And then there's Llew...
I know he's been having a difficult time. But I still feel that, because I've always been there, because I'm always so understanding about things, that my feelings have lost much of the priority they should hold with him. I feel he's doing the exact same thing my parents did. "Oh, good ole Tin, she's always there. She'll be there when I get back. I'm unconcerned." Maybe I'm too easy. Maybe I should fight for my right to be important instead of depending on my actions, my love, and my loyalty to speak for me. But, if I get it then...was it really given freely or under a shadow of obligation? Was it sincere? Was it an expression of pity?
Does he really love me or am I just a convenient diversion when he has nothing else to occupy his time or mind? This is how I'm feeling now. I don't want to be what's left after all options have been explored. I want to be important to someone! Everyone deserves that at least once in their lives, right? I know he loves me.. I hope he does.. I know he's been through it, but I've been there for him the whole way. I fear that, when I need the same consideration, it will be unavailable.
We have such a brief time in each life. My father is only 58 years old. He took part in the creation of a totally fucked up child and then left her to be raised by his sister and mother because he was fucked up himself. To this day he refuses to take responsibility for all that went on. My mother wanted her own life, wanted to pursue other options. I wonder if she'll want to take back the role she was given when she had me, when she gets a message from Death. I wonder if I'll care of if I'll be torn as to what to do, how to handle it?
All I want to do right now is curl up in Llew's arms and I'll am doing instead is pushing him away.
Why is it, every time I hurt, I insist on doing it alone when that's the last thing I want...or need? Is it because I've always had to handle everything alone and I just don't know any other way? Can I even be taught a different way? Should I even try?
I know all of this is depression talking...but what if all this is helping to cause my depression? The Vicious Circle spins out of control.
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no subject
Date: 2003-07-19 10:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-19 12:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-19 01:15 pm (UTC)I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so poorly, but I can understand why, that's an awful lot of pressure for anyone.
Can I suggest a book? It's called "The Dance of Anger" and it's been very very helpful in learning how to deal with my feelings effectively in relationships with other people. It really has helped me in situations that I thought would be unresolvable. I don't wanna sound like a commercial, or like a self-help freak ... but this book has really helped me out, even through breaking up with Bonnie, which had potential to kill me emotionally, and instead I feel like I've managed to grow and get some more clarity and control of my own life.
Anyway, I hope you feel better.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-19 02:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-19 03:04 pm (UTC)<<Why is it, every time I hurt, I insist on doing it alone when that's the last thing I want...or need? Is it because I've always had to handle everything alone and I just don't know any other way? Can I even be taught a different way? Should I even try? I figure there's 2 kinds of people -- those who have to run to mummy or daddy to kiss their hurt finger (me) and those who crawl off into their holes like wounded animals. One's no better than the other, if only we could find the middle way. Please take the help we're offering. And it's really hard to find the line between talking through your feelings -- and feeding them. You've seen that with me often enough. But my guess is that you need more talking. Thanks for writing it so we could see.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-19 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-21 08:18 am (UTC)If you want a temporary distraction, please come visit. I promise Aelfgifu will distract you, nomatter how briefly.
BTW, I have The Dance of Anger if you want to borrow it.