The Dark Night of the Soul

[tinhuviel]

I woke up this morning with a song ringing in my head, 'The Dark Night of the Soul' by Loreena McKennitt. It was woven in with thoughts on the nature of submission and why this has become so important to me of late.



Llew and I had a talk about it a few days ago where I explained to him my distaste for 'The Story of O'. Even though it's her choice, she gave away her right to choose in anything. Being too immersed in 'Sithliness', I personally find no honour in this. The ability to choose to submit with each little act is, for me, a conscious affirmation that this free being is gifting her Will at that precise moment in an act of Love and Trust. If the freedom to say no is still there, the act of submission can't be taken for granted neither by the submissive nor the Dominant involved.

I think this happened in a way with ancient Christianity. The lyrics to the song by Loreena McKennitt were written by St. John of the Cross. He wrote it as a love song to Jesus Christ, a proclamation of his love, devotion, and submission to the Son of Man. From my understanding, submission and Divine Love were choices made in order to bring about happiness and enlightenment. His poems were heartfelt and stemmed not from a fear of Hell, rather a giving over to the power of love he felt in the presence of his Lord. This resonates with me.

If I may make such a bold comparison, the churches of today rely on the concept of the 'Story of O', that complete submission and slavery under threat of punishment are the basic theme of recruitment. People are drawn to the gates of the Papal Roissy by the love they feel in their hearts for the Master that they so desire. Only later do they realise that they give up their Will and that Divine Love has fled, leaving only the slave, masked and altered from its original state.

People need to write more love songs to god, in whatever form they see it. God, Goddess, Buddha, Christ, Quan Yin. Whatever. When it comes to the Divine, we humans are by nature submissive, longing for the touch of our beloved Deity, in whatever form. The act of worship is an act of submission. Would we not rather consciously choose to pay homage to our Creator/Creatrix than to feel obligated to bow before its glory? Would our Deities not find our willing submission much more palatable than constantly seeing before them the prostrations of frightened slaves?

I have always railed against the idea of submitting to a higher power. I always wanted proof before I taxed myself too greatly. I could never be O, not in the religious sense or the sexual/relationship sense. My newfound desire to submit often battles with my dark independence so, each time I find myself submitting, I realise what a gift it truly is. I get this feeling unlike any feeling I've ever had before. A mixture of surrender, love, excitement, purity, gentleness, awe, passion, and desire (and even this doesn't begin to cover it) overwhelms me, and I am singularly at the mercy of the one who loves me most.

Then it occurred to me that I had felt this in spiritual settings as well. I felt it a lot when Lord Ariel and I worked in Circle together. When we would Draw Down the Moon and the Sun, I was subject to this sensation. When I would immerse myself in songs such as 'The Dark Night of the Soul', I would find that sensation roiling up through me, like the coiled Kundalini force. Every time I have ever read the various tellings of 'The Descent of the Goddess' I get this feeling. I also get it when I read about Jesus' interaction with his people. That feeling, that sensation of subspace was my proof all along.

Perhaps it's Subspace. Perhaps it's Religious Ecstasy. Perhaps it's a combination of the two or just maybe these two terms are simple descriptions for the same experience. It may not be for me to ever really know for sure. What I do know is that this song by Loreena McKennitt and St. John of the Cross could as easily apply to a submissive's love for her Dom as it could an individual's love for Christ.

All I know is that my sense of Divine Love has a much more gentle edge to it than ever before since I have realised the submiissvie within. I can hear the whispers of the Goddess much more clearly than before and I am more willing to sense the overpowering idea of Creation all around me.

Since I chose to love Llew in this manner, I have felt more protected and more loved than I ever have before. Sure, I have my moments of fright about it all...and my episodes of feeling out of control...but I still know that all of this is my choice and that I can stop this exploration at any time. Llew and I are both learning about these roles and the dynamics that they create between us. It's a process of self-discovery that has already brought us very close, moreso than I ever thought possible.



So, there it is. My ramble for the day. Just to sum it up, I want to keep the lyrics to 'Dark Night' here too.

Loreena McKennitt - The dark night of the soul

Upon a darkened night
the flame of love was burning in my breast
And by a lantern bright
I fled my house while all in quiet rest

Shrouded by the night
and by the secret stair I quickly fled
The veil concealed my eyes
while all within lay quiet as the dead


Chorus
Oh night thou was my guide
oh night more loving than the rising sun
Oh night that joined the lover
to the beloved one
transforming each of them into the other


Upon that misty night
in secrecy, beyond such mortal sight
Without a guide or light
than that which burned so deeply in my heart


That fire t'was led me on
and shone more bright than of the midday sun
To where he waited still
it was a place where no one else could come


Chorus


Within my pounding heart
which kept itself entirely for him
He fell into his sleep
beneath the cedars all my love I gave
And by the fortress walls
the wind would brush his hair against his brow
And with its smoothest hand
caressed my every sense it would allow


Chorus


I lost myself to him
and laid my face upon my lovers breast
And care and grief grew dim
as in the mornings mist became the light
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair
There they dimmed amongst the lilies fair

Comments

[delenn99.livejournal.com]

goddess....this is so beautiful. I totally understand EVERYTHING you are talking about here... about the feelings while communing with the divine goddess, and how they are so similar to submitting to a Dominant. I've never thought about it in those terms before....but it completly resonates with me too.

I never liked how O was forced into it either.. I too think that it is a gift freely given, that is consciously chosen to be given and received by both parties.

I'd like to mark your post as one of my memories, if you don't mind. You are so eloquent and this is such a beautiful post, I'd really like to be able to find it easily to meditate on it and maybe form my own thoughts from it.

*hugs*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so glad it makes sense to you! Sometimes I wonder if I 'get it' at all, y'know? By all means, add this to your memories. I'm quite honoured, thank you.
((hugs back))