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tinhuvielLately I've been thinking a great deal about Tim.
I met him in January of 1987, when I first started work at what was then the RCA Music Service. I was fresh out of my year of college, still starry-eyed with ideas that I could go far despite my financial limitations, and I was eager to make a name for myself in the music business, despite starting out as a part-time order processor in a remote Southern warehouse. Tim turned out to be my supervisor and it seems we took an immediate dislike to one another. After two weeks, all of my fellow employees were moved out of the dusty, musty, collation area except for me. Tim kept me there, alone for the most part, to do a job that was tedious and boring at best. My only enjoyment in that second shift hell was to curse him under my breath.
When a third shift was being created, I had the chance to get away from Tim, or so I thought. As I was under the mistaken impression that Paul would be taking the third shift, I jumped at the chance not only to dump Tim, but also for the chance to obtain a full-time position. Imagine my dismay, anger, and disgust when, upon coming to work on my new third shift hours, I found Tim there to greet me.
Now Tim was an intelligent man and he knew it. One of his joys at that time was to torment our clerk, Jeanette, with trivia and knowledge questions to which she had no hope of knowing the answers. Since Jeanette and I had grown close over the subsequent weeks, she confided in me her embarrassment at Tim's little hobby. So I started giving her questions to ask him. When he couldn't answer some of them, the man grew furious and demanded to know who was supplying Jeanette with information. Finally, she broke down and told him....and he turned his attentions to me.
Every night it was the same thing. He would come and grill me with trivia, some of which I could answer, others I couldn't. It didn't intimidate me, though, and I responded in kind with my own little tests of knowledge. After a while, our initial dislike melted away and Tim and I found ourselves forging an odd friendship. Rumours began to fly among the people on 3rd shift that we were having an affair. Tim made it even worse by keeping me in work areas by myself and spending upwards to an hour or even more with me just talking. Of course, I got the brunt of the rumours, being on the floor but, since I was the employee, I had no choice as to where Tim told me to work and I couldn't very well tell my boss to go away when he came up to talk. Secretly, I began to relish our time together.
Months went by and I was hired full-time with full benefits, and offered a first shift position. By then the rumours about Tim and me had gotten so bad that even Tim was starting to suffer from the gossip. Even though I didn't want to leave my friend, I thought it was best for us both, and for my supposedly blossoming career, that I move on. So I took the job. Three weeks later, Tim was transferred to first shift and became my boss once again.
And the rumours followed us.
From late 1987 through early 1989, I worked for Timothy and engaged in profoundly philosophical conversations with him. It was during this time that I found out what others had suspected for so very long. I had fallen in love with him. And I discovered that this love compelled me to do anything for him at work. I became a model employee and strove to be Tim's right hand. Apparently, the rumours became too rampant and, sometime in late '89, when Tim was on vacation, I was moved out of his department by Managment, never to return again.
I was devastated. What little comfort I had was that Tim would find chances to come and talk to me anyway, but it wasn't an every day occurrence, and I literally pined for his company.
In 1990, I had the chance to advance within the company. Since my current position was joyless now that I was no longer with Tim, I opted to go for it, and landed the position of quality inspector in our Quality Assurance department. Chances to talk to Tim became few and far between, but I still was able to grab rare opportunities. Then, one day in early 1991, the unbelievable happened: my manager in Quality had been relieved of her duties and Tim had applied for the position! Even better, he got it!
At the time he came on board, there were four of us in the department, split evenly between the two warehouses. Tim moved me to the other building shortly after he took over, and would come over at least once a day to see how work was going. Of course, we had the chance to begin our conversations once again. A few months into his tenure over Quality Assurance, two of the Quality folks were let go and Tim asked if I could handle my building's office by myself. I told him yes.
So from late 1991 until mid-1997, my days with Timothy intensified in length of time and quality of conversation. Timothy was an honourable man and never once considered being unfaithful to his wife, but I think he loved me in his own way. I, on the other hand, was utterly devoted to this man. I remained celibate for 10 years as a token of my devotion to him. There was nothing I would deny him and my sole purpose was to make him happy with me.
Our conversations dwelt primarily on religious themes. Like me, Tim was a seeker, someone unhappy with his current path, but seemingly unable to cross the line into other methods of enlightenment. Through me he was able to live and learn vicariously about sacred paths and the Ways of the Goddess. I encouraged him to think in regard to his own faith and often seemed to get him in trouble with the pastor on Sundays when it was his turn to teach Sunday school. From Tim I learned the deeper mysteries of Paganism. He lived a country life and knew well the price of death so that others could live. He was a hunter who actually used his prey to further and better his life and the life of his family on a very basic and primitive level. It wasn't a sport for him. It was a quest and spirit journey in which he honoured and admired the deer and dove.
We dreamed together and pondered past lives. We laughed together. We cried together. I introduced him to Enya and Loreena McKennitt. He introduced me to "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" and the fine art of Southern colloquialisms. Our worlds were so very separate in a number of ways, yet they complemented each other and bridged gaps in our respective lives that we would never have been able to fill otherwise.
When the Quality department was dissolved, and Tim and I went our separate ways, I felt as though my heart was going to implode. Since 1997 I've seen Tim only a handful of times and spoken to him on the phone just a couple of times. I have no doubt that he long knew how deeply in love I was with him, but I know too that he had faith in me that I would never harm him or his family for any selfishness on my part. Yes, I know it's for the best that our contact is minimal, if not nonexistent, but it still hurts me that such a strong friendship could go so dreadfully uncultivated for such a long time. Besides, even though I will always love Tim, for such a love is on a soul level, I now am bound to Llew on such a level that I couldn't conceive of anything more than friendship with Tim.
Still...when I watch the move 'The Secretary', I see myself in Lee. I feel what she's feeling. It was seeing that movie that made me realise what I had been to Tim and what I can freely be with Llew. Sweet young Lee, on her first job, in love with her boss and eager to do anything he tells her. Her interaction with Mr. Grey was a life-changing experience, as was mine with Tim. I went to work a young girl and, when Tim and I were separated, he said goodbye to a woman ~ a woman who loved so much that she dedicated 10 years of her life to him and would probably have given more, had fate not intervened.
I never told Tim how much I loved him, but I never really had to. He only had to look into my eyes.
Despite it all, I will always be his friend. If we don't speak for another 20 years, when fate brings us together once more, the philosophical ponderings will begin again as though they were never silenced, and our friendship will not be denied. Until that time, I will continue to miss him and hope that he and his family are well and happy.
Happy hunting, my Eternal Pioneer.
I met him in January of 1987, when I first started work at what was then the RCA Music Service. I was fresh out of my year of college, still starry-eyed with ideas that I could go far despite my financial limitations, and I was eager to make a name for myself in the music business, despite starting out as a part-time order processor in a remote Southern warehouse. Tim turned out to be my supervisor and it seems we took an immediate dislike to one another. After two weeks, all of my fellow employees were moved out of the dusty, musty, collation area except for me. Tim kept me there, alone for the most part, to do a job that was tedious and boring at best. My only enjoyment in that second shift hell was to curse him under my breath.
When a third shift was being created, I had the chance to get away from Tim, or so I thought. As I was under the mistaken impression that Paul would be taking the third shift, I jumped at the chance not only to dump Tim, but also for the chance to obtain a full-time position. Imagine my dismay, anger, and disgust when, upon coming to work on my new third shift hours, I found Tim there to greet me.
Now Tim was an intelligent man and he knew it. One of his joys at that time was to torment our clerk, Jeanette, with trivia and knowledge questions to which she had no hope of knowing the answers. Since Jeanette and I had grown close over the subsequent weeks, she confided in me her embarrassment at Tim's little hobby. So I started giving her questions to ask him. When he couldn't answer some of them, the man grew furious and demanded to know who was supplying Jeanette with information. Finally, she broke down and told him....and he turned his attentions to me.
Every night it was the same thing. He would come and grill me with trivia, some of which I could answer, others I couldn't. It didn't intimidate me, though, and I responded in kind with my own little tests of knowledge. After a while, our initial dislike melted away and Tim and I found ourselves forging an odd friendship. Rumours began to fly among the people on 3rd shift that we were having an affair. Tim made it even worse by keeping me in work areas by myself and spending upwards to an hour or even more with me just talking. Of course, I got the brunt of the rumours, being on the floor but, since I was the employee, I had no choice as to where Tim told me to work and I couldn't very well tell my boss to go away when he came up to talk. Secretly, I began to relish our time together.
Months went by and I was hired full-time with full benefits, and offered a first shift position. By then the rumours about Tim and me had gotten so bad that even Tim was starting to suffer from the gossip. Even though I didn't want to leave my friend, I thought it was best for us both, and for my supposedly blossoming career, that I move on. So I took the job. Three weeks later, Tim was transferred to first shift and became my boss once again.
And the rumours followed us.
From late 1987 through early 1989, I worked for Timothy and engaged in profoundly philosophical conversations with him. It was during this time that I found out what others had suspected for so very long. I had fallen in love with him. And I discovered that this love compelled me to do anything for him at work. I became a model employee and strove to be Tim's right hand. Apparently, the rumours became too rampant and, sometime in late '89, when Tim was on vacation, I was moved out of his department by Managment, never to return again.
I was devastated. What little comfort I had was that Tim would find chances to come and talk to me anyway, but it wasn't an every day occurrence, and I literally pined for his company.
In 1990, I had the chance to advance within the company. Since my current position was joyless now that I was no longer with Tim, I opted to go for it, and landed the position of quality inspector in our Quality Assurance department. Chances to talk to Tim became few and far between, but I still was able to grab rare opportunities. Then, one day in early 1991, the unbelievable happened: my manager in Quality had been relieved of her duties and Tim had applied for the position! Even better, he got it!
At the time he came on board, there were four of us in the department, split evenly between the two warehouses. Tim moved me to the other building shortly after he took over, and would come over at least once a day to see how work was going. Of course, we had the chance to begin our conversations once again. A few months into his tenure over Quality Assurance, two of the Quality folks were let go and Tim asked if I could handle my building's office by myself. I told him yes.
So from late 1991 until mid-1997, my days with Timothy intensified in length of time and quality of conversation. Timothy was an honourable man and never once considered being unfaithful to his wife, but I think he loved me in his own way. I, on the other hand, was utterly devoted to this man. I remained celibate for 10 years as a token of my devotion to him. There was nothing I would deny him and my sole purpose was to make him happy with me.
Our conversations dwelt primarily on religious themes. Like me, Tim was a seeker, someone unhappy with his current path, but seemingly unable to cross the line into other methods of enlightenment. Through me he was able to live and learn vicariously about sacred paths and the Ways of the Goddess. I encouraged him to think in regard to his own faith and often seemed to get him in trouble with the pastor on Sundays when it was his turn to teach Sunday school. From Tim I learned the deeper mysteries of Paganism. He lived a country life and knew well the price of death so that others could live. He was a hunter who actually used his prey to further and better his life and the life of his family on a very basic and primitive level. It wasn't a sport for him. It was a quest and spirit journey in which he honoured and admired the deer and dove.
We dreamed together and pondered past lives. We laughed together. We cried together. I introduced him to Enya and Loreena McKennitt. He introduced me to "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" and the fine art of Southern colloquialisms. Our worlds were so very separate in a number of ways, yet they complemented each other and bridged gaps in our respective lives that we would never have been able to fill otherwise.
When the Quality department was dissolved, and Tim and I went our separate ways, I felt as though my heart was going to implode. Since 1997 I've seen Tim only a handful of times and spoken to him on the phone just a couple of times. I have no doubt that he long knew how deeply in love I was with him, but I know too that he had faith in me that I would never harm him or his family for any selfishness on my part. Yes, I know it's for the best that our contact is minimal, if not nonexistent, but it still hurts me that such a strong friendship could go so dreadfully uncultivated for such a long time. Besides, even though I will always love Tim, for such a love is on a soul level, I now am bound to Llew on such a level that I couldn't conceive of anything more than friendship with Tim.
Still...when I watch the move 'The Secretary', I see myself in Lee. I feel what she's feeling. It was seeing that movie that made me realise what I had been to Tim and what I can freely be with Llew. Sweet young Lee, on her first job, in love with her boss and eager to do anything he tells her. Her interaction with Mr. Grey was a life-changing experience, as was mine with Tim. I went to work a young girl and, when Tim and I were separated, he said goodbye to a woman ~ a woman who loved so much that she dedicated 10 years of her life to him and would probably have given more, had fate not intervened.
I never told Tim how much I loved him, but I never really had to. He only had to look into my eyes.
Despite it all, I will always be his friend. If we don't speak for another 20 years, when fate brings us together once more, the philosophical ponderings will begin again as though they were never silenced, and our friendship will not be denied. Until that time, I will continue to miss him and hope that he and his family are well and happy.
Happy hunting, my Eternal Pioneer.
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Wow.
Date: 2003-09-28 07:26 am (UTC)And I can't. Amazing story.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-20 10:52 am (UTC)Actually I kinda do need to. I have Italian dressing breath.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 11:06 am (UTC)your post to me about movie
Date: 2004-08-02 02:41 pm (UTC)my great goddess! i bow down to you in reverence!
to love someone and keep it to yourself for so long now.
how do you manage the feelings that you have to be consumed by?
that is an awesome story
Myst
no subject
Date: 2005-12-24 06:56 pm (UTC)