Selfish, willful little girl!

[tinhuviel]

Another thing that pisses me off is self pity. That said, it's no surprise I'm so pissed off all the time. I can be such a brat for someone who wasn't ever really spoiled. Admitting it should be a step in the direction of rectifying this character flaw; nevertheless, I am still battling issues of resentment, self-pity, sullenness, and general sour grapes.

While everyone around me focuses on positive matters, this gloomy girl insists on focusing her attention on what's wrong with the world. Most of it is microcosmic and pertinent only to me in my sheltered, pathetic little world. The only thing that isn't is Dubya's opening of Tongass to Earth rapists. Words can't express my pure unadulterated crystalline hatred of this monster who has control of our country.

The rest of it is self-pity, pure and simple.

I'm being bratty about the parental issues again. I see them living lives I can only dream of, then I look at my current situation, working two jobs and living in DUNCAN. Some would say "at least you own your home," but it's really no consolation for someone who thought she'd be a journalist in London by the time she was 35...that was last year. ::sigh:: I envy the parental units their luxuries and wonder if, perhaps, they might not would have had it so good had they chosen to be responsible and raise their progeny instead of abanoning her at the age of 6.

Of course, I wouldn't want to have been raised by anyone else other than my grandmother and Aunt Tudi, simply because the mother unit and the father unit never really connected with me on any important level. I never truly felt love from them or any sense of security. At least I had that.

Then there's the whole surgery issue. I can't truly rest until I know for certain what the insurance company is going to say. The closer I get to 1 January, the more stressed I become. Part of me wants to believe that it will all pan out, but another part screams out that I should only expect the worst so I can deal with the inevitable disappointment. Then there's the issue of affording the supplies I'll need if I am approved for the surgery. I don't have a wealthy benefactor who will buy me every little thing I need or want should I merely crook an eyebrow in his direction... Yes, I know Llew would do that for me, but he's already done it once for Melanie as he should, being her dad and loving her as he does. No one in my family who can afford it cares enough about me to help me in that manner and the family who would help can't, so there's the nagging fear that I'm going to be ill-prepared if I get the surgery. It's kind of scary and demoralising.

Then there's my knee. Yesterday, I squatted for a very long time as I attempted to gather drops of urine from Paisley and today my knee is three times it's normal size and I'm limping around like Long John Silver with his peg leg. My mental lower lip quivers at the thought that I'm lame at 36.

Speaking of Paisley, she has a bladder infection and is now on antibiotics for the next 10 days. The vet bill was atrocious, so there's that additional financial worry for me to enjoy as I do my budget balancing next week. I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. How was I to know it was a freakin' freight train?

Last, but not least, there's Llew. He went back to work the day after the doc gave him back his walking rights. I haven't seen him since and I've spoken with him very little. When I have spoken with him, he's been rather distant and a bit testy with me. Yeah, I know it's because he's in pain and he's overdoing it working 10 to 12 hours a day, but it's still a bit disheartening to be set aside for seemingly more important activities. Granted, that's not the case, but this is how I feel. I just feel in the way, inconvenient, and irritating.

Given my mood, the irritating part is probably very true. Xmas always finds me in this mood. I used to expect so much more and was always disappointed. Now I don't expect anything but a hassle, but I'm still disappointed when that's exactly what I get.

I'm such a brat and I need to be smacked upside the head and put to bed without supper.

wah wah wah

Comments

[asim.livejournal.com]

I used to expect so much more and was always disappointed. Now I don't expect anything but a hassle, but I'm still disappointed when that's exactly what I get.

I'm such a brat and I need to be smacked upside the head and put to bed without supper.

wah wah wah

No.
You just need to believe in your own hype, just a little. :)

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Me? Hype?
Whatever do you mean?
;-p

[debrafortune.livejournal.com]

There is nothing brattish about feeling, and recognising those feelings. It's what you do with that recognition, and how you choose to act while having that knowledge, that defines your real strength of character.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-)

[falkenna.livejournal.com]

No, you were entitled to better, and didn't get it, and you still are. That's reason enough to feel sad. If self-pity is what you feel, then that's what you feel. The trick is catching that moment when you *are* finally able to crawl out of it, and not overstaying.

Hopefully you've got some nice plans for tomorrow -- which include Llew, and he won't be working 10-12 hours??

All Christmas good wishes to you.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Hope you have a wonderful holiday too.