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tinhuvielYeah, it's been a while since I went off on a real live rant, so I figured I'd get one more in before the end of the year.
With the advent of actual hope that my new health insurance company will pay for the gastric procedure, I've been actively focusing on the supplies I'll be needing prior to and after the surgery. I've also been trying to pump up my own morale and cheer myself on toward the proverbial finish line. Since I'm a natural pessimist, it's been difficult.
Now I've bitched about weight issues in my journal before and I'm sure I will in the future, but today I'm just uber-bitchy. I get that way. Today's one of those days.
I've seen both sides of the weight coin. Having been fat all my life, from very early childhood, I was afforded a most wondrous initiation into child society. Now, before I went to school, I was outgoing, friendly, creative, and adored dancing for people in public. Then First Grade came and I was delegated to the position of "Fat Kid". That's all that defined me. I was systematically tormented by all the children and suddenly found myself emotionally imploding. I stopped dancing and became beyond painfully shy. My family told me just to ignore them and they'd go away, but they didn't. Yes, my childhood companions figured that my silence and passivity was their license to continue. It didn't matter that I might have had any talents, gifts, or friendship to offer them. All that mattered was that I was fat.
Lesson one.
In 2nd grade, my teacher was added in with the foaming hordes, eager to publicly note that I yawned because my weight prevented my getting enough oxygen. Since this observation was made early in the school year, I was watched and laughed at by the kids and harangued by the teacher every time I had to yawn. I learnt to yawn with my mouth closed. It's actually a quite handy skill. That was lesson two.
I received lessons like this throughout my childhood but, when I hit my teen years, I was really in for a surprise. As is common with all teens, my hormones began to rage and I took an interest in boys. They also took an interest in me ~ as a joke. I was the one they accused other boys of liking. I was the one who got slipped notes supposedly from a guy upon whom others wanted to get revenge, the idea being that I would think he'd taken an interest in me and then I'd be all over him, much to his embarrassment and the delight of the pranksters. Of course, I never fell for it because, by then, I had had the revelation that no one would ever like me and that my role in life was to be the human rug that people beat and walked on.
Even in college I was ostracised and solitary. It never failed and it never ended, the reinforcement of my "Pariah-hood".
Now, during high school and after my time at college, I had taken my weight loss attempts into my own hands. The diets my family had me on had done no good, and the exercise programs just weren't working. At one point in high school, I lost over 60 lbs from walking, using a stationery bike, and going to an army doctor who put me on a military diet. After six months of hardcore effort, several fainting spells, and eventual exhaustion, my family insisted I stop as it was obvious I was killing myself. I stopped the diet, continued the exercise, and the weight returned gradually. But, during that time, when the weight was gone, I noticed that more people talked to me in school. Even the teachers treated me more graciously. I was grateful and eager to please my newfound friends. Funny, but they gradually drifted away with each pound I reclaimed.
Another lesson...
I lost over 100 with Nutrisystem and my social life bloomed. The blossom fell and blew away when the weight came back. I lost 50, 60, 70 + with doctor supervised eating plans and exercise. Suddenly, everyone at work was my pal. Just as suddenly I became invisible once more after the weight came back.
It's amazing how the larger a person is, the more invisible they become.
The next to the last attempt at weight loss was also doctor-supervised, being the Phen-Fen method. I was wildly successful and maintained for quite a while until the meds were recalled. Not only did I get $500 back from my involvement in the class action suit, but I also got back all my weight as an added bonus. When I was at my thinnest, though, I was the belle of the ball. And I actually got my first boyfriend, which was monumental since I was then 30 years old. I took up dancing again, this time Middle Eastern, and I began to really, truly sing because I knew that people would listen to my voice instead of gawking at my body and either shaking their head in pity or cracking jokes in malice. I even took up Kung Fu. Once again at work, I was popular and part of the group. I accepted compliments like "you look good" with no thought as to what was really being said to me.
As I said, though, the weight came back and, save for one desperate attempt with the Weight Watchers program (not the latest joke, but one I did with Steph back in 2002) combined with the militaristic regimen offered at Cardiac Rehab, which I attended with Aunt Tudi, I have succumbed to the inevitable with much grief, anger, and misanthropy. It finally dawned on me that these people who were so nice to me when I was losing weight, were superficial, plastic, evil and ignorant people and that they represented the whole of the human race. Why was I so keen on wanting to be part of that? Why do I want to be now?
Well, I don't.
I went to my doctor in February of this year for my annual physical and I asked him what I always ask him. "What can I do now to lose the weight?" And I asked it with a distinct twinge of fear in my voice because my health has begun to fail as a direct result of my weight and I had witnessed too many people in my family go down the same road I'm on now, with results of early disability and/or death. And he told me that I'd basically run out of options, but suggested I look into gastric bypass. So I did.
And it's my last best hope. Literally.
This time, it's going to be different though. All my previous attempts were met with a blind acceptance of the superficial attention bestowed upon me by the unwashed masses. I refuse to accept it this time. If I am approved for this surgery and I have it, my primary social obligation will be one of education. I'm going to educate people the way they educated me ~ with tools of embarrassment and disdain. Let any damned body tell me I look good. My response: "Oh, I look good compared to what? The fat slob you couldn't look at just 6 months ago? Is that what you mean? Did I not look good before? I have the same face, the same voice, the same disposition, so I'm unsure of what you mean. Do you know what you mean? Have you ever thought that a compliment such as this is actually an offhanded insult?"
As for males,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lithiumlady was very correct when she observed that Llew is a special, unique man who loved me for me despite my appearance. That's a rare and wonderful gift and I am truly, deeply blessed to have been so lucky. One of the non-health reasons I want to go through with this surgery is to be classically beautiful for him, to manifest physically what he always saw on the soul-level. We both deserve this. Other males? I have a special plan in store for them. I'm going to carry with me at all times a picture of myself at my heaviest. When men approach me, showing distinct interest, I'm going to be sooo friendly, so open, so incredibly flirtatious. I'm going to give them hope. Then, with a coy glance, I will admit that I am taken (anyone who knows what a collar means would already know that, but this is Redneckville where such sentiments are almost unknown...but I digress), BUT!!! My sister has just broken up with her boyfriend and is wonderfully, deliciously available aaaaand she looks an awful lot like me. "Would you like to see her picture? If you're interested, give me your phone number or email address and I'll have her get in touch with you. You're just her type, you handsome devil." Then I'll whip out my special photograph and watch his face fall with disappointment. Now, how shall he get himself out of this pickle? Anything he says will only allow me to tear into him with every verbal weapon I possess and....when I'm angry, my tongue is the equivalent of a nuclear warhead. Oh yes, he'll pay, and in public! Think he'll learn a lesson?
Ya think they will all learn a lesson? How will they feel when the humiliation is draped over them like a shroud and their eyes are locked with my gaze of accusation?
I've been in both worlds. I've been almost thin and I've been obese. I've seen the worst in people from childhood into adulthood. Some would say the folks I may end up "educating" don't deserve such severe tutoring but, as Hexina (another psycho bitch who lost a lot of weight...just go see the movie "Hexed"...) said, after having knocked the shit out of a mime, "No one is truly innocent." Besides, their words and reactions to me are all I need to see and hear to know that they, too, are part of the great social horror every obese person has to face in every facet of our lives. Fuck them. Humiliation may do them some good and they'll think before they act the next time.
The friends I have NOW will be my friends after I've had the surgery. Everyone else can shove judgements up their arses and hop off to hell.
The end.
With the advent of actual hope that my new health insurance company will pay for the gastric procedure, I've been actively focusing on the supplies I'll be needing prior to and after the surgery. I've also been trying to pump up my own morale and cheer myself on toward the proverbial finish line. Since I'm a natural pessimist, it's been difficult.
Now I've bitched about weight issues in my journal before and I'm sure I will in the future, but today I'm just uber-bitchy. I get that way. Today's one of those days.
I've seen both sides of the weight coin. Having been fat all my life, from very early childhood, I was afforded a most wondrous initiation into child society. Now, before I went to school, I was outgoing, friendly, creative, and adored dancing for people in public. Then First Grade came and I was delegated to the position of "Fat Kid". That's all that defined me. I was systematically tormented by all the children and suddenly found myself emotionally imploding. I stopped dancing and became beyond painfully shy. My family told me just to ignore them and they'd go away, but they didn't. Yes, my childhood companions figured that my silence and passivity was their license to continue. It didn't matter that I might have had any talents, gifts, or friendship to offer them. All that mattered was that I was fat.
Lesson one.
In 2nd grade, my teacher was added in with the foaming hordes, eager to publicly note that I yawned because my weight prevented my getting enough oxygen. Since this observation was made early in the school year, I was watched and laughed at by the kids and harangued by the teacher every time I had to yawn. I learnt to yawn with my mouth closed. It's actually a quite handy skill. That was lesson two.
I received lessons like this throughout my childhood but, when I hit my teen years, I was really in for a surprise. As is common with all teens, my hormones began to rage and I took an interest in boys. They also took an interest in me ~ as a joke. I was the one they accused other boys of liking. I was the one who got slipped notes supposedly from a guy upon whom others wanted to get revenge, the idea being that I would think he'd taken an interest in me and then I'd be all over him, much to his embarrassment and the delight of the pranksters. Of course, I never fell for it because, by then, I had had the revelation that no one would ever like me and that my role in life was to be the human rug that people beat and walked on.
Even in college I was ostracised and solitary. It never failed and it never ended, the reinforcement of my "Pariah-hood".
Now, during high school and after my time at college, I had taken my weight loss attempts into my own hands. The diets my family had me on had done no good, and the exercise programs just weren't working. At one point in high school, I lost over 60 lbs from walking, using a stationery bike, and going to an army doctor who put me on a military diet. After six months of hardcore effort, several fainting spells, and eventual exhaustion, my family insisted I stop as it was obvious I was killing myself. I stopped the diet, continued the exercise, and the weight returned gradually. But, during that time, when the weight was gone, I noticed that more people talked to me in school. Even the teachers treated me more graciously. I was grateful and eager to please my newfound friends. Funny, but they gradually drifted away with each pound I reclaimed.
Another lesson...
I lost over 100 with Nutrisystem and my social life bloomed. The blossom fell and blew away when the weight came back. I lost 50, 60, 70 + with doctor supervised eating plans and exercise. Suddenly, everyone at work was my pal. Just as suddenly I became invisible once more after the weight came back.
It's amazing how the larger a person is, the more invisible they become.
The next to the last attempt at weight loss was also doctor-supervised, being the Phen-Fen method. I was wildly successful and maintained for quite a while until the meds were recalled. Not only did I get $500 back from my involvement in the class action suit, but I also got back all my weight as an added bonus. When I was at my thinnest, though, I was the belle of the ball. And I actually got my first boyfriend, which was monumental since I was then 30 years old. I took up dancing again, this time Middle Eastern, and I began to really, truly sing because I knew that people would listen to my voice instead of gawking at my body and either shaking their head in pity or cracking jokes in malice. I even took up Kung Fu. Once again at work, I was popular and part of the group. I accepted compliments like "you look good" with no thought as to what was really being said to me.
As I said, though, the weight came back and, save for one desperate attempt with the Weight Watchers program (not the latest joke, but one I did with Steph back in 2002) combined with the militaristic regimen offered at Cardiac Rehab, which I attended with Aunt Tudi, I have succumbed to the inevitable with much grief, anger, and misanthropy. It finally dawned on me that these people who were so nice to me when I was losing weight, were superficial, plastic, evil and ignorant people and that they represented the whole of the human race. Why was I so keen on wanting to be part of that? Why do I want to be now?
Well, I don't.
I went to my doctor in February of this year for my annual physical and I asked him what I always ask him. "What can I do now to lose the weight?" And I asked it with a distinct twinge of fear in my voice because my health has begun to fail as a direct result of my weight and I had witnessed too many people in my family go down the same road I'm on now, with results of early disability and/or death. And he told me that I'd basically run out of options, but suggested I look into gastric bypass. So I did.
And it's my last best hope. Literally.
This time, it's going to be different though. All my previous attempts were met with a blind acceptance of the superficial attention bestowed upon me by the unwashed masses. I refuse to accept it this time. If I am approved for this surgery and I have it, my primary social obligation will be one of education. I'm going to educate people the way they educated me ~ with tools of embarrassment and disdain. Let any damned body tell me I look good. My response: "Oh, I look good compared to what? The fat slob you couldn't look at just 6 months ago? Is that what you mean? Did I not look good before? I have the same face, the same voice, the same disposition, so I'm unsure of what you mean. Do you know what you mean? Have you ever thought that a compliment such as this is actually an offhanded insult?"
As for males,
lithiumlady was very correct when she observed that Llew is a special, unique man who loved me for me despite my appearance. That's a rare and wonderful gift and I am truly, deeply blessed to have been so lucky. One of the non-health reasons I want to go through with this surgery is to be classically beautiful for him, to manifest physically what he always saw on the soul-level. We both deserve this. Other males? I have a special plan in store for them. I'm going to carry with me at all times a picture of myself at my heaviest. When men approach me, showing distinct interest, I'm going to be sooo friendly, so open, so incredibly flirtatious. I'm going to give them hope. Then, with a coy glance, I will admit that I am taken (anyone who knows what a collar means would already know that, but this is Redneckville where such sentiments are almost unknown...but I digress), BUT!!! My sister has just broken up with her boyfriend and is wonderfully, deliciously available aaaaand she looks an awful lot like me. "Would you like to see her picture? If you're interested, give me your phone number or email address and I'll have her get in touch with you. You're just her type, you handsome devil." Then I'll whip out my special photograph and watch his face fall with disappointment. Now, how shall he get himself out of this pickle? Anything he says will only allow me to tear into him with every verbal weapon I possess and....when I'm angry, my tongue is the equivalent of a nuclear warhead. Oh yes, he'll pay, and in public! Think he'll learn a lesson? Ya think they will all learn a lesson? How will they feel when the humiliation is draped over them like a shroud and their eyes are locked with my gaze of accusation?
I've been in both worlds. I've been almost thin and I've been obese. I've seen the worst in people from childhood into adulthood. Some would say the folks I may end up "educating" don't deserve such severe tutoring but, as Hexina (another psycho bitch who lost a lot of weight...just go see the movie "Hexed"...) said, after having knocked the shit out of a mime, "No one is truly innocent." Besides, their words and reactions to me are all I need to see and hear to know that they, too, are part of the great social horror every obese person has to face in every facet of our lives. Fuck them. Humiliation may do them some good and they'll think before they act the next time.
The friends I have NOW will be my friends after I've had the surgery. Everyone else can shove judgements up their arses and hop off to hell.
The end.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:28 am (UTC)Have you ever seen The Girl Most Likely To? Same premise, but this chick kills the objects of her revenge in interesting and inventive ways.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:39 am (UTC)I'll be rooting for you when you go in for your surgery.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:43 am (UTC)On a less misanthropic note, I have noticed that most of us are ostracised for one reason or another. If everyone would just get angry about it and stop striving for that unattainable idea set up by god knows who, I think more self-acceptance and acceptance of each other would ensue...and there'd probably be a lot fewer school shootings, too.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 03:57 am (UTC)I think striving for acceptance seems to be a very common human trait. Although I don't want to be 'normal' like everyone else, I often wish I was so that I could get on with others better.
{{HUGS}}}
Date: 2004-01-03 05:39 am (UTC)I was a perversely weird kid.
I *really* hope the surgery works for you.
Re: {{HUGS}}}
Date: 2004-01-04 04:21 pm (UTC)..and thanks. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 10:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 11:28 am (UTC)WooHoo!!!
Date: 2003-12-29 11:29 am (UTC)I got all the exact same shit all through scool. Beginning in kindergarden when one kid would touch me with one finger, scream "Wendy germs" and run off to touch another kid who'd do the same. It never got better either. I've stopped going out to clups at all because being the invisible girl doesn't appeal much, and the few guys who do approach think they can be as base or vulgar as they want. After all just look at me, I MUST be desperate. *snarl*
Your Llew is an anomoly. To me he doesn't even compute since I firmly believe guys like him do not exist. If I'm ever lucky enough to meet one I might chain in the basement...
I'm not gonna hold my breath though, in fact I've decided to stop starving myself and get used to the idea of being alone.
I hate this shallow, callous world. Most people make me ill with the petty unthinking cruelties they commit continually. I'm with you, I want to hang onto the few real friends I have, but the rest of the world can take a flying f*<% at a rolling dougnut.
Re: WooHoo!!!
Date: 2003-12-29 11:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 04:02 am (UTC)You're lucky, nobody ever approached me at a club at all!
no subject
Date: 2003-12-29 11:50 am (UTC)Y'kno I've given that a good bit of thought lately and the only answers I could come up with are my crispity friedness regarding the SCA, and a completely understandable desire on your part to avoid my Machiavellian ex roomie.
I'm hoping to visit Blkswan soon if I do well have to get together and have a rip roaring girls night. Speaking of her if you see her tell her I'm worried about her, my e-mails to her have been bouncing and I can't call LD till I get some debts paid off.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 05:05 am (UTC)Blkswan was supposed to call me a few weeks ago actually and I didn't hear from her. She's wanting to grind "The Howling" back into action (get your pen out!). Maybe I should try to call her this week.
If I do, I'll pass on your message.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 03:38 am (UTC)Then I became suddenly thin and gangly. But it didn't help, it was my intelligence and inability to think and act in the way they did, that caused my ostracization. Which quickly became my *refusal* to think and act in the way they did.
Things have gradually changed for me. But then, I escaped -- first Redneckville, by moving to Chapel Hill, and finally the Carolinas, the South, and the USA altogether. It made a huge difference.
I rarely forget what people are, but sometimes I can see plainly the fear, jealousy, insecurity, bitterness, and general inadequacy behind it. And in most cases, the dire poverty of their minds compared to mine and those of my true friends such as you. We have a rich life they can't even conceive of.
Your outer life will begin next year. I'm sure of it. I feel it. You've waited so long, it's only a little longer now.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
no subject
Date: 2003-12-31 04:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 08:41 pm (UTC)Just thought I'd add that.
I have not felt issues of my weight for a time now, they usually come about when I am around family. I keep fighting for the rights of my gay and lesbien friends. I am currently looking for a group to march with in the San Antonio area when the presidental races come our way.
I wanna moon Bush.
You're a very strong person and very brave to go through with this. My only other words of advice is be careful not to generate any nasty karma with you public rants. These people are conditioned by society to view big people as unappealing. Go easy on them for they know not what they do and are too stupid to realize it.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-31 04:58 am (UTC)As for karma, I think I've already prepaid in years of ridicule and humiliation by people who were conditioned by society and supposedly knew no better. That said, I'm taking it upon myself to enlighten them regarding their obvious error in this specific social wasteland. If someone's feelings are hurt, maybe then they'll find themselves in the shoes I've been wearing all my life and think before they speak or act the next time they come across someone who doesn't fit their preprogrammed acceptable social mold.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-31 01:57 pm (UTC)"It all comes back to you
You're gonna get what you deserve
Try and test that, you're bound to get served
Love's what I got
Don't start a riot"
-Sublime
"What I Got"
Listen to it... I often draw inspriation from that song.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-31 07:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-31 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-30 10:12 pm (UTC)Secondly, I have been your friend for a long time now and don't think I've ever made you feel this way, and if I have ever done so unknowingly, I apologize for any pain it may have caused you. You a gifted and wonderful person and even though I give you such a hard time I really enjoy having you as my friend.
Next, I would like to echo the sentiments of others and say that it seems to be a normal occurance in those years to be the object of ridicule. Everyone has something, not always in there physical appearance sometimes in their behavior or intellect it seems everyone has some trait they seem to have been ostracised over. When I was younger I didn't have the weight problem that many seem to have here but I was painfully shy (I know it's hard to imagine isn't it? - well, if you know me it would be). I think that was growing up and not having a lot of kids around me I didn't learn how to socialize.
And the last point I'd like to raise is kind of more of a question or two. Growing up I also longed to be more handsome (don't we all?) and use to think, "oh if i were just were more handsome, or more wealthy or drove this car, or more whatever...would she want to go out with me?" But then I kind of thought of it a different way, In a manner are we not lucky in a way? I mean if you were a beautiful person, or you were incredibly tall, or extremely wealthy or whatever wouldn't you always have that wondering of, "I wonder if they like me because of (whatever your issue is) instead of who I really am?" I'm gaining way to much weight, I'm balding, I'm not overly wealthy, etc. And if I had that stuff things might be easier. But one benefit of it is I know my wife really loves me not because I'm some ideal of attractiveness or because I have some status, but because she likes who I am. And she is happy with the person I am (except that she can't cook vegtables since I never eat them -LOL). And I don't have to wonder if I got some employeement or conditon just based on some aspect of my appearance. I don't know, I trying to suggest that there may be some benefits to being without certain desirable attributes.
And the other question I would raise is would some of the people that would comment on how nice you look or what not would some of them not be trying to encourage you in your efforts? I have no doubt that there are some and maybe the vast majority that fall into the description in your rant. But I would think there would also be those that would make very similiar comments that would be made in the effort to be supportive or encouraging to your efforts. Just a thought.
You know I really will not admit that I would ever miss it, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that no one can let one loose from her soapbox like you. So if I'm king (or rather King Shit) of the Smart Asses you'd have to be queen of the soapbox speeches (and I do mean that in a good way). Why, where I work now, no one hardly gets on a soapbox.
your buddy, gypsy.
P.S. Just to respond to you I had to join this service. So that should show you just a bit that you're my buddy if I'm willing to go through that because you know how I hate these things.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-31 05:12 am (UTC)I still consider you a friend. Why else would I have called you the other day to tell you that Mommie Dearest was being featured on I Love the 80's? Hmmmmm?
Oh, I agree that there are some benefits. I found Llew and realise he loves me for me and not because I'm a Southern Cindy Crawford. It's heartening indeed and I will never deny that.
All the times before, I took people's comments on how 'good I look' as an indication of their encouragement; however, when you really look at what they're saying, it truly is an insult. They're telling you that you looked like shit before, but they wouldn't ever verbalise it, however much they may have told you in their actions and reproachful glances. How would you like it if you suddenly grew hair and and everyone started telling you how handsome you are? How do you feel when you see commercials for the Hair Club for Men and these bozos are talking about how great their men look now that they've succumbed to having their scalp plugged? It's the same premise and will continue for as long as recipients of these half-handed compliments accept them eagerly and graciously.
I'm not having it.
Then again, I'm thinking that, if everyone who's been made to feel like an outcast joined together to kick the asses of those who made them feel that way, it would be revealed that everyone but one person is included in that category. My only hope is that that one person just happens to be Dubya and that he realises he's in for the pummelling of his life.
Whee!
Happy New Year and let's try not to be strangers in 2004, OK? ::smooch::
amen sista girl
Date: 2004-01-04 04:15 pm (UTC)Re: amen sista girl
Date: 2004-01-04 04:20 pm (UTC)WREAK HAVOC ON THOSE WHO HAVE WROUGHT OR MAY WREAK HAVOC UPON US.
Bwaaaaaah!!