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tinhuvielI'm being incredibly Zen about things right now, despite the dull ache and lack of motivation to "fix it". It has dawned on me that it's not up to me to "fix it". All I can do is encourage and hope things get better, and wish with all my heart that things would be made up to me, that I'd be important enough to fight for.
But I know what I want and it's been made apparent that I am unsure where to find it. Hell, I'm unsure whether or not I want to find it now or would want it once it's found.
I want to be a fragile rose plucked from the garden and nurtured beyond my wildest dreams. I grow weary of always being the gardner fighting psychic and emotional ground hogs that steal away the harvest long before it has a chance to come to fruition. Then again, I'm not sure I could allow myself to be that rose.....release my grip enough to let another nurture me. Maybe not letting him nurture me when he wanted to is part of the problem.
But how can I join a club of exploitation? I love him too much for that.
Either way, I need that sense of importance and I don't foresee getting it. I either have to accept that and tend the garden in other ways or I have to leave the garden to others and try my hand at being a rose. I'd prefer he be the one to pluck me, but my past experience indicates this won't happen.
Sad? Yeah.
Resigned? Yeah.
Emotionally crippled? No.
I still smile. I still find humour in things. I still function and think of other things. It's not like I'm consumed by the threat of our demise. I don't want it to happen and I'll do my part to ensure that it doesn't. But I will no longer do his part, too. If it fails, I won't carry with me a sense of guilt for having not done my best.
I'll carry with me a deep sorrow and a heart that may not love again for a long time, if ever. But I will have my strength and a deeper sense of who and what I am. For that I will always be grateful. Hopefully, none of that will be necessary and we can mend the wounds and move on in our relationship.
They say love conquers all.
Prove it.
or not..
But I know what I want and it's been made apparent that I am unsure where to find it. Hell, I'm unsure whether or not I want to find it now or would want it once it's found.
I want to be a fragile rose plucked from the garden and nurtured beyond my wildest dreams. I grow weary of always being the gardner fighting psychic and emotional ground hogs that steal away the harvest long before it has a chance to come to fruition. Then again, I'm not sure I could allow myself to be that rose.....release my grip enough to let another nurture me. Maybe not letting him nurture me when he wanted to is part of the problem.
But how can I join a club of exploitation? I love him too much for that.
Either way, I need that sense of importance and I don't foresee getting it. I either have to accept that and tend the garden in other ways or I have to leave the garden to others and try my hand at being a rose. I'd prefer he be the one to pluck me, but my past experience indicates this won't happen.
Sad? Yeah.
Resigned? Yeah.
Emotionally crippled? No.
I still smile. I still find humour in things. I still function and think of other things. It's not like I'm consumed by the threat of our demise. I don't want it to happen and I'll do my part to ensure that it doesn't. But I will no longer do his part, too. If it fails, I won't carry with me a sense of guilt for having not done my best.
I'll carry with me a deep sorrow and a heart that may not love again for a long time, if ever. But I will have my strength and a deeper sense of who and what I am. For that I will always be grateful. Hopefully, none of that will be necessary and we can mend the wounds and move on in our relationship.
They say love conquers all.
Prove it.
or not..
