Pointless Post
Mar. 17th, 2004 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tinhuvielFor weeks now, I've been mulling over some private matters and planning on writing a filtered post, but I've yet to do it. It's as though I am unable to satisfactorily formulate the words I need to express what is necessary. The thoughts, feelings, and issues are still bumping about inside my head, leaving me quite out of sorts.
Today, I got my first twinge of nervousness about the surgery. I'm not necessarily worried about the surgery itself, although I'm worried for Aunt Tudi in the event I perish; rather, I'm worried that I won't respond well to the change that has been made to me and, once again, I'll be a failure. All evidence argues to the contrary, but my emotional and cynical self rage and plot sabotage.
Llew mentioned that I should talk to his daughter about this, since she's already been through it. I don't know whether he chooses obliviousness where my feelings regarding her are concerned or if he's just trying to bring us together by stressing our common grounds. When the situation for him changes and I see a little bit of self-responsibility, perhaps I'll lower my guard. In the meantime, anyone who essentially shits on my loved ones is nothing to me and I choose not to acknowledge them in any way. Llew can be the forgiver and the welcome mat if he chooses and I'll carry his rage....'cos that's what I do...it's what I'm good at.
Anger can be hobby.
Sometimes, though, that anger extends to Llew as well, for his letting her use him as she does. He should be stronger, at least to the point of self-preservation. Everyone has that survival instinct, or so I thought. He's like Aunt Tudi, though. He'd sacrifice himself for love. Aunt Tudi is doing the same thing for Paisley, our 18 year old cat. Paisley has reached the time in her life where she's become almost exclusively nocturnal and deigns to walk the floors at night, just like Henry and Daisy did. The difference this time 'round is that Paisley demands company during her nightly rounds and, if she doesn't get the attention she wants, out come the claws. Many a night has come to find Paisley poking holes in Aunt Tudi's scalp. Now, instead of escorting El Gato Bitchella to her back porch condo and returning to bed, Aunt Tudi remains up with Paisley. She plays doorman to Paisley's whims of going to her condo, then coming back in....repeatedly. By morning, Aunt Tudi could pass as an extra on Dawn of the Dead and Paisley retires for a nice day's nap. Aunt Tudi is also becoming nocturnal as a result, but is still not getting near enough sleep for someone in her condition. It pisses me off.
But everything is pissing me off right now. I need release somehow, but I'm unsure how to achieve it. I just need to let it all go and focus on some positive something, whatever that would be. There's a frustration and an apprehension that refuses to let me relax, but I'm unable to pinpoint the source of my angst. I just feel like I'm on the verge of losing everything and there's not a thing I can do about it. Such lack of control is unacceptable.
Today, I got my first twinge of nervousness about the surgery. I'm not necessarily worried about the surgery itself, although I'm worried for Aunt Tudi in the event I perish; rather, I'm worried that I won't respond well to the change that has been made to me and, once again, I'll be a failure. All evidence argues to the contrary, but my emotional and cynical self rage and plot sabotage.
Llew mentioned that I should talk to his daughter about this, since she's already been through it. I don't know whether he chooses obliviousness where my feelings regarding her are concerned or if he's just trying to bring us together by stressing our common grounds. When the situation for him changes and I see a little bit of self-responsibility, perhaps I'll lower my guard. In the meantime, anyone who essentially shits on my loved ones is nothing to me and I choose not to acknowledge them in any way. Llew can be the forgiver and the welcome mat if he chooses and I'll carry his rage....'cos that's what I do...it's what I'm good at.
Anger can be hobby.
Sometimes, though, that anger extends to Llew as well, for his letting her use him as she does. He should be stronger, at least to the point of self-preservation. Everyone has that survival instinct, or so I thought. He's like Aunt Tudi, though. He'd sacrifice himself for love. Aunt Tudi is doing the same thing for Paisley, our 18 year old cat. Paisley has reached the time in her life where she's become almost exclusively nocturnal and deigns to walk the floors at night, just like Henry and Daisy did. The difference this time 'round is that Paisley demands company during her nightly rounds and, if she doesn't get the attention she wants, out come the claws. Many a night has come to find Paisley poking holes in Aunt Tudi's scalp. Now, instead of escorting El Gato Bitchella to her back porch condo and returning to bed, Aunt Tudi remains up with Paisley. She plays doorman to Paisley's whims of going to her condo, then coming back in....repeatedly. By morning, Aunt Tudi could pass as an extra on Dawn of the Dead and Paisley retires for a nice day's nap. Aunt Tudi is also becoming nocturnal as a result, but is still not getting near enough sleep for someone in her condition. It pisses me off.
But everything is pissing me off right now. I need release somehow, but I'm unsure how to achieve it. I just need to let it all go and focus on some positive something, whatever that would be. There's a frustration and an apprehension that refuses to let me relax, but I'm unable to pinpoint the source of my angst. I just feel like I'm on the verge of losing everything and there's not a thing I can do about it. Such lack of control is unacceptable.
