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tinhuvielOn my way home from Saturn, I got a call from Gretchen wanting to know if I knew where Llew was because he hadn't shown up for work, nor had he called. This began a day fraught with incredible worry and anxiety, when it should have been a day of sweet reunion and fun.
Early on, I wasn't really concerned with it at all because Llew is notorious for dropping out of sight for a day, especially if he's hooked up with Jim. Since Gretchen had mentioned to Aunt Tudi that Llew had alluded to a dinner date Wednesday night, I surmised that he had dabbled in some mischief with Jim and was merely just recovering from rampant stupidity. Men...
I got home, stuffed Aunt Tudi into the car, and off we went to Atlanta to pick up![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
falkenna. The journey down was a little difficult and I made a couple of wrong turns that ran us about an hour late to the airport. I felt horrible, thinking that Falkenna had been waiting on us for an hour. As luck would have it, though, Falkenna had had to catch a later flight and wasn't even there yet. We had about three hours to kill at Hartsfield-Jackson, so Aunt Tudi and I got a wee snack and roamed about the Atrium. Aunt Tudi had quite a dose of people watching, one of her favourite things to do, and I managed a fair amount of exercise.
On occasion, I would get on the phone and try to reach out to Llew's daughter to see if she had heard anything from him. Thirty minutes prior to Falkenna's arrival, she finally called me back to tell me she had no idea what was going on with Llew and that she was worried because he hadn't gotten any of his meds, nor had he been home the previous night or the next morning. She called all the people she knew and none of them had seen Llew either. Unfortunately, she didn't have Jim's phone number, so there was no contacting him. At the time we talked, Llew had been missing for 24 hours. My mild concern became a gnawing worry.
Soon, Falkenna called to see where I was in the airport. We were at baggage claim area three right across from her. It took mere seconds to connect and there was much smiling and relief at seeing each other, having both achieved safe travel. We fetched her bags and made our way to the car, readying for the journey home. It was an uneventful and swift trip back, even though night had fallen and I'm not the best at seeing at night in the city. All the artificial lighting does a number on my sight.
I spoke with Melanie three times on the way home and suggested she file a missing persons report for her dad. My anxiety was growing exponentially and I could tell she was genuinely concerned as well. The last time I talked to her, I asked her to please let me know what the police said regarding filing a report and to also please call me any time if there was news of Llew. Against my Will, the tears began to come. Fighting weeping served only to hurt my throat even more. Yes, my throat seemed to be getting worse instead of better. The rawness and pain was deep in my throat and my neck was starting to swell. So much for the effectiveness of Zicam this time 'round.
falkenna, Aunt Tudi, and I chit-chatted whilst I drove and fought my worries, and I did my level best to keep the tone as light as I could. The last thing I wanted was to ruin any part of Falkenna's vacation or cause her any discomfort. I wasn't wholly successful, but I think she was cool with it all. Of course, we discussed Barry and the fact that she's a lucky dog for having met and befriended him. We also discussed Darth Maul since, had it not been for him, we would never have met. And Aunt Tudi, being such a gregarious soul, jumped right in and bonded with falkenna quite well. All in all, it was a decent trip back.
We made it home right before 10 PM. I helped Falkenna in with her bags, let the dogs out to the bathroom, fed the cat. We all went to the bathroom and then went to Denney's for a late supper. Falkenna got the Mushroom Swiss Burger of Doom, which she thoroughly enjoyed, even though it was a challenge to eat for being so massive. Aunt Tudi got six teeny burgers, a la Krystal/White Castle. I munched on three cheese sticks and had difficulty swallowing them thanks to the godawful sore throat. While I paid for dinner, Aunt Tudi put a dollar in the crane machine and wonfalkenna a harlequin doll.
After Denney's I went by Llew's house to talk to Melanie, since I couldn't get to her on the phone. I figured that she had gone to Greenville to file the report, or was still trying it via the phone. Also, I was half hoping that Llew would be home by then and all would be well. Not so. When I got there, Melanie had gone on to bed and Billy was up watching TV. He had no idea if Mel had filed the report and seemed pretty unconcerned about it. Freaked totally the fuck out, I left the house and we made our way home.
Upon arriving back home, Falkenna gave me some gifts: a "Spem in Alium" disc, "Do They Know It's Christmas 2004," a Snow Patrol disc, the book Lovely Bones, and a stunningly beautiful Lilith pin. I'm still rather taken aback by her generosity as I had no idea she'd brought me gifts. What I had planned on giving her seemed a little humdrum compared to this, but I trudged on nevertheless. I badefalkenna go through my Rhyllan/Tarmian art and pick out any piece or pieces she liked or felt a connection with. After consideration, she chose my rendering of Artanis and the unfinished Centaur, asking me to finish the Centaur and send it to her. Very well! She showed me her thesis, which is actually a book. A frigging book! When she would talke about her thesis, I envisioned a really thick paper, but NO....a book! I'm so impressed with that I can't hardly stand it. After picking my jaw off the floor, I invited Falkenna to retire to the living room to watch some Shriekback videos. She'd never seen any of them and was keen finally checking out "Nemesis" especially.
Such merriment allowed me a brief respite from the worry, but it had to end because Falkenna was bone weary and so was Aunt Tudi and I. We got in bed around 1 AM, but I didn't really get to sleep until a little after 3:00. The stress overtook me and I wept until I was snubbing and couldn't breathe, envisioning Llew injured or dead in his truck, down a ravine with no hope of help coming. I thought about his last words to me, that he wanted to hug me and hold me to him gently. Regret and guilt joined my anxiety and I lay in the dark suffering and crying for my lost love.
Morning came.
I called Gretchen and she told me that she'd just heard from Llew. Thank the Mother!
Almost immediately after I hung up with Gretchen, Llew called me. He's going through a bout of depression and removed himself from everyone. He called me to apologise, but I couldn't tell him that it was okay this time around. I've asked him so many times in the past to just let me know he's okay when he disappears like this. Does he? No. Instead, he scares me and leaves me alone with my overactive imagination and dread. Every time he does this to me, it's like murdering a part of my soul. I'm not okay with him right now. He'd been gone so long this time, the possibility that he was dead became very real to me. I grieved for him and now......now, I'm not sure I can cope with such pain again. I'm not sure I can continue to let my love for him evolve when he can't bring himself to care enough to let me know he's not dead. This was the longest time he'd been gone without re-emerging. You don't torment people you love like that. I question how much he cares for me now. I question my capacity to tolerate such abuse. He told me that he was going to the doctor and see about getting his meds changed or adjusted since they didn't seem to be working, and he asked me to call him later. I told him to call me after he went to the doctor. I haven't heard from him yet.
But....back tofalkenna! I fed her a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, coffee and toast. Aunt Tudi fried the bacon to perfection and I did the rest. falkenna noshed enthusiastically whilst watching Jungle of the Senses. Nothing like a big breakfast and Barry to start your day off right. I ate nothing, but had some coffee to soothe my throat, which had gotten much worse overnight. After breakfast, Falkenna and I talked at length about a number of things: movies, music, art, men, travel, etc. Around 11 AM, her sister called. She was at the Exxon at the head of the road. It was time for falkenna to go home to her family in North Carolina. The visit was too brief and too fraught with anxiety for my liking! We made tentative plans for Aunt Tudi and I to go visit falkenna in Brighton if my severence is sweet enough. I helped her gather up her things and took her to Exxon to meet up with her sister. We said our fond farewells. She was off to Greensboro and I was off to work.
Four hours of hell, then I took Aunt Tudi to the doctor and I went to the doctor. Aunt Tudi's illness has turned into bronchitis and my throat was pretty much swollen shut. We needed drugs. Dr. Holt gave Aunt Tudi some anti-biotics and Dr. Yost gave me the same and a prescription for cough medicine. We got home around 7 last night and I went straight to bed. That's where I've been most all day.
falkenna called last night to let us know she made it to NC safely. I didn't talk to her because I was already out. Hopefully, I'll talk to her soon.
Llew wrote me a letter speaking of what he's going through right now. I'm concerned for him, but too hurt to really deal with any of it at the moment. Does this make me selfish? I don't know. I feel like I'm in post-trauma, though, and I'm more than a little resentful for it. On top of that, I'm truly quite ill and I sound like, as Barry would say, a tubucular goat. In all areas I'm quite unhappy......and I would only add to Llew's current depressive state if I responded to him via mail or phone. His actions over the past 48 hours indicate to me that the future for us is, at best, foggier than Whitechapel during the Ripper murders. The collar feels too tight and my heart feels too hard.
Early on, I wasn't really concerned with it at all because Llew is notorious for dropping out of sight for a day, especially if he's hooked up with Jim. Since Gretchen had mentioned to Aunt Tudi that Llew had alluded to a dinner date Wednesday night, I surmised that he had dabbled in some mischief with Jim and was merely just recovering from rampant stupidity. Men...
I got home, stuffed Aunt Tudi into the car, and off we went to Atlanta to pick up
falkenna. The journey down was a little difficult and I made a couple of wrong turns that ran us about an hour late to the airport. I felt horrible, thinking that Falkenna had been waiting on us for an hour. As luck would have it, though, Falkenna had had to catch a later flight and wasn't even there yet. We had about three hours to kill at Hartsfield-Jackson, so Aunt Tudi and I got a wee snack and roamed about the Atrium. Aunt Tudi had quite a dose of people watching, one of her favourite things to do, and I managed a fair amount of exercise. On occasion, I would get on the phone and try to reach out to Llew's daughter to see if she had heard anything from him. Thirty minutes prior to Falkenna's arrival, she finally called me back to tell me she had no idea what was going on with Llew and that she was worried because he hadn't gotten any of his meds, nor had he been home the previous night or the next morning. She called all the people she knew and none of them had seen Llew either. Unfortunately, she didn't have Jim's phone number, so there was no contacting him. At the time we talked, Llew had been missing for 24 hours. My mild concern became a gnawing worry.
Soon, Falkenna called to see where I was in the airport. We were at baggage claim area three right across from her. It took mere seconds to connect and there was much smiling and relief at seeing each other, having both achieved safe travel. We fetched her bags and made our way to the car, readying for the journey home. It was an uneventful and swift trip back, even though night had fallen and I'm not the best at seeing at night in the city. All the artificial lighting does a number on my sight.
I spoke with Melanie three times on the way home and suggested she file a missing persons report for her dad. My anxiety was growing exponentially and I could tell she was genuinely concerned as well. The last time I talked to her, I asked her to please let me know what the police said regarding filing a report and to also please call me any time if there was news of Llew. Against my Will, the tears began to come. Fighting weeping served only to hurt my throat even more. Yes, my throat seemed to be getting worse instead of better. The rawness and pain was deep in my throat and my neck was starting to swell. So much for the effectiveness of Zicam this time 'round.
falkenna, Aunt Tudi, and I chit-chatted whilst I drove and fought my worries, and I did my level best to keep the tone as light as I could. The last thing I wanted was to ruin any part of Falkenna's vacation or cause her any discomfort. I wasn't wholly successful, but I think she was cool with it all. Of course, we discussed Barry and the fact that she's a lucky dog for having met and befriended him. We also discussed Darth Maul since, had it not been for him, we would never have met. And Aunt Tudi, being such a gregarious soul, jumped right in and bonded with falkenna quite well. All in all, it was a decent trip back.We made it home right before 10 PM. I helped Falkenna in with her bags, let the dogs out to the bathroom, fed the cat. We all went to the bathroom and then went to Denney's for a late supper. Falkenna got the Mushroom Swiss Burger of Doom, which she thoroughly enjoyed, even though it was a challenge to eat for being so massive. Aunt Tudi got six teeny burgers, a la Krystal/White Castle. I munched on three cheese sticks and had difficulty swallowing them thanks to the godawful sore throat. While I paid for dinner, Aunt Tudi put a dollar in the crane machine and won
falkenna a harlequin doll.After Denney's I went by Llew's house to talk to Melanie, since I couldn't get to her on the phone. I figured that she had gone to Greenville to file the report, or was still trying it via the phone. Also, I was half hoping that Llew would be home by then and all would be well. Not so. When I got there, Melanie had gone on to bed and Billy was up watching TV. He had no idea if Mel had filed the report and seemed pretty unconcerned about it. Freaked totally the fuck out, I left the house and we made our way home.
Upon arriving back home, Falkenna gave me some gifts: a "Spem in Alium" disc, "Do They Know It's Christmas 2004," a Snow Patrol disc, the book Lovely Bones, and a stunningly beautiful Lilith pin. I'm still rather taken aback by her generosity as I had no idea she'd brought me gifts. What I had planned on giving her seemed a little humdrum compared to this, but I trudged on nevertheless. I bade
falkenna go through my Rhyllan/Tarmian art and pick out any piece or pieces she liked or felt a connection with. After consideration, she chose my rendering of Artanis and the unfinished Centaur, asking me to finish the Centaur and send it to her. Very well! She showed me her thesis, which is actually a book. A frigging book! When she would talke about her thesis, I envisioned a really thick paper, but NO....a book! I'm so impressed with that I can't hardly stand it. After picking my jaw off the floor, I invited Falkenna to retire to the living room to watch some Shriekback videos. She'd never seen any of them and was keen finally checking out "Nemesis" especially. Such merriment allowed me a brief respite from the worry, but it had to end because Falkenna was bone weary and so was Aunt Tudi and I. We got in bed around 1 AM, but I didn't really get to sleep until a little after 3:00. The stress overtook me and I wept until I was snubbing and couldn't breathe, envisioning Llew injured or dead in his truck, down a ravine with no hope of help coming. I thought about his last words to me, that he wanted to hug me and hold me to him gently. Regret and guilt joined my anxiety and I lay in the dark suffering and crying for my lost love.
Morning came.
I called Gretchen and she told me that she'd just heard from Llew. Thank the Mother!
Almost immediately after I hung up with Gretchen, Llew called me. He's going through a bout of depression and removed himself from everyone. He called me to apologise, but I couldn't tell him that it was okay this time around. I've asked him so many times in the past to just let me know he's okay when he disappears like this. Does he? No. Instead, he scares me and leaves me alone with my overactive imagination and dread. Every time he does this to me, it's like murdering a part of my soul. I'm not okay with him right now. He'd been gone so long this time, the possibility that he was dead became very real to me. I grieved for him and now......now, I'm not sure I can cope with such pain again. I'm not sure I can continue to let my love for him evolve when he can't bring himself to care enough to let me know he's not dead. This was the longest time he'd been gone without re-emerging. You don't torment people you love like that. I question how much he cares for me now. I question my capacity to tolerate such abuse. He told me that he was going to the doctor and see about getting his meds changed or adjusted since they didn't seem to be working, and he asked me to call him later. I told him to call me after he went to the doctor. I haven't heard from him yet.
But....back to
falkenna! I fed her a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, coffee and toast. Aunt Tudi fried the bacon to perfection and I did the rest. falkenna noshed enthusiastically whilst watching Jungle of the Senses. Nothing like a big breakfast and Barry to start your day off right. I ate nothing, but had some coffee to soothe my throat, which had gotten much worse overnight. After breakfast, Falkenna and I talked at length about a number of things: movies, music, art, men, travel, etc. Around 11 AM, her sister called. She was at the Exxon at the head of the road. It was time for falkenna to go home to her family in North Carolina. The visit was too brief and too fraught with anxiety for my liking! We made tentative plans for Aunt Tudi and I to go visit falkenna in Brighton if my severence is sweet enough. I helped her gather up her things and took her to Exxon to meet up with her sister. We said our fond farewells. She was off to Greensboro and I was off to work.Four hours of hell, then I took Aunt Tudi to the doctor and I went to the doctor. Aunt Tudi's illness has turned into bronchitis and my throat was pretty much swollen shut. We needed drugs. Dr. Holt gave Aunt Tudi some anti-biotics and Dr. Yost gave me the same and a prescription for cough medicine. We got home around 7 last night and I went straight to bed. That's where I've been most all day.
falkenna called last night to let us know she made it to NC safely. I didn't talk to her because I was already out. Hopefully, I'll talk to her soon.Llew wrote me a letter speaking of what he's going through right now. I'm concerned for him, but too hurt to really deal with any of it at the moment. Does this make me selfish? I don't know. I feel like I'm in post-trauma, though, and I'm more than a little resentful for it. On top of that, I'm truly quite ill and I sound like, as Barry would say, a tubucular goat. In all areas I'm quite unhappy......and I would only add to Llew's current depressive state if I responded to him via mail or phone. His actions over the past 48 hours indicate to me that the future for us is, at best, foggier than Whitechapel during the Ripper murders. The collar feels too tight and my heart feels too hard.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-09 02:38 am (UTC)*sigh*
Had I known what time you were to be there, I'd have made a valiant effort to be at Hartsfield to MEET you.
As for your man. You've expressed that you've got issues with non-contact without some sort of warning. Even an email would have sufficed. I don't blame you for being angry. I would be completely livid, myself.
All I can say is I understand the emotions you're feeling and if I could offer more than a pixelated hug, I would.
Just as a side note, I thought I'd mention that I wear Lilith, proudly.
He loves me because I'm evil. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-01-09 11:23 pm (UTC)