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tinhuvielI got another letter from him last night.
Oh Love,
I am so sorry I hurt us so bad. I was only kidding
when I said I was "Takin ya wit me." That doesnt seem
nearly as romantic now...
Anyway, I am awful but somewhat better. Not feeling up
to work tomorrow at all but I made a promise to a
client so there I'll be.
Is your company still there? I know I hurt you over
all that too. You have every right to be angry- but
knowing I hurt you tears me up, which is richly
deserved in my case.
Sorry.
I love you,
L
Usually, my heart would go out to him upon reading such wordage, but not this time. He died Thursday night. I had him dead in his vehicle at the bottom of a ravine. I lay awake all night grieving for him, aching in a way that is impossible to correctly describe. Then, to find out that he's alive..... My relief is tarnished with a resentment and rage that has not yet quelled. My first reaction is to dump him, but my compassionate side holds me back. After all this, I still don't want to hurt him. So, I remain incommunicado. Silent and introspective, I look forward to nothing but a good movie and sleep tonight. I want to be left alone. I don't want to be touched or talked to.
He says he loves me, but I question how that can truly be. You don't terrify people you love. At least not in my world you don't.
I have issues with abandonment. He knows this. Even death for me is a form of abandonment. Everyone I have ever loved has left me, from early childhood throughout my entire life, except for Aunt Tudi. It seems like, the moment I say those 3 words ~ "I love you" ~, that person leaves, or dies, or rejects me in some way. This is what Llew has done to me. I thought he was dead or injured and unable to reach out for help. I was helpless and horrified.
Now I'm angry. With each passing hour I get angrier.
It wouldn't do for me to talk to him or see him right now. If he's truly as depressed as he says, I would only add to his misery and my own. My rage has just begun to blossom.
Oh Love,
I am so sorry I hurt us so bad. I was only kidding
when I said I was "Takin ya wit me." That doesnt seem
nearly as romantic now...
Anyway, I am awful but somewhat better. Not feeling up
to work tomorrow at all but I made a promise to a
client so there I'll be.
Is your company still there? I know I hurt you over
all that too. You have every right to be angry- but
knowing I hurt you tears me up, which is richly
deserved in my case.
Sorry.
I love you,
L
Usually, my heart would go out to him upon reading such wordage, but not this time. He died Thursday night. I had him dead in his vehicle at the bottom of a ravine. I lay awake all night grieving for him, aching in a way that is impossible to correctly describe. Then, to find out that he's alive..... My relief is tarnished with a resentment and rage that has not yet quelled. My first reaction is to dump him, but my compassionate side holds me back. After all this, I still don't want to hurt him. So, I remain incommunicado. Silent and introspective, I look forward to nothing but a good movie and sleep tonight. I want to be left alone. I don't want to be touched or talked to.
He says he loves me, but I question how that can truly be. You don't terrify people you love. At least not in my world you don't.
I have issues with abandonment. He knows this. Even death for me is a form of abandonment. Everyone I have ever loved has left me, from early childhood throughout my entire life, except for Aunt Tudi. It seems like, the moment I say those 3 words ~ "I love you" ~, that person leaves, or dies, or rejects me in some way. This is what Llew has done to me. I thought he was dead or injured and unable to reach out for help. I was helpless and horrified.
Now I'm angry. With each passing hour I get angrier.
It wouldn't do for me to talk to him or see him right now. If he's truly as depressed as he says, I would only add to his misery and my own. My rage has just begun to blossom.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 04:53 pm (UTC)I had this happen to me a few years ago. A man was driving around, supposed to call me, hours passed, he didn't call, couldn't spend twenty seconds to call me and tell me he was alive and still loved me, I was ---, morning came and he was fine. He was at work the next day. I. was. LIVID.
I still do not understand how someone could love you and still manage to let numerous opportunities to make a twenty-second phone call slip, but a male can do it. I do not mean to make light of it, but most men don't seem to get this, and I don't get that.
Unless they're gay, and then, well, it's probably a different sort of relationship and anyway, they call.
I'm rambling, but I feel you.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 06:39 pm (UTC)You.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 07:59 pm (UTC)Gotta say is, BULLOCKS. Love you Tin, I really do. My Mom gave me a rule to go by in a relationship (any relationship) when its 50/50 or worse bad, iow, when its bad 50% or more of the time, its time to go.
Tight hugs & godiva to ye, ye deserve better lass.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-10 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-11 08:50 pm (UTC)I had that problem with friends, right into my 20s - as soon as I got close to someone they'd move away.
With each passing hour I get angrier.
I understand this totally (me still struggling with the concept that the monkey man knew for at least a year he was terminal, but did not tell anyone until the eleventh hour).