I Wrote Him Back
Jan. 10th, 2005 02:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tinhuvielThe anger is just settling in on me and the hurt is still there.
You died for me Thursday night. After the normal time for you to re-emerge when you drop out like this passed and there was still no word, I immediately thought the worst. Surely, you'd let me know you're alright if you could get to a phone, right? I'm at least that important to you, right? (well, I was wrong on both counts) The only explanation for me was that you were either severely injured and alone, or dead. I grieved for you Thursday night. All night. I wept and made myself sick.
I'm not over this by a long shot.
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, but I can't be a comfort to you right now. I doubt I'd do any good anyway. I'm obviously not worthy enough to try to comfort you. You would have called me otherwise.
I've always asked you one simple favour throughout our time together. That favour was that you would let me know what's going on with you and tell me that I need to keep my distance, and I will. I just need to know that you're okay or you're not okay. I don't need to be left guessing in the middle of the night, wondering if you're hurt and agonising that I can do nothing.
One more time of this and I will have to go away for good. You know I have abandonment issues. Everyone I love leaves me. You died on Thursday night, Lew. You died! You promised you wouldn't do this to me. The ache in my heart is still more than I can hardly bear, so here I am at work just vibrating with hurt and rage and helplessness.
As for my friend, she left the next morning. She had to see me very upset and in deep emotional pain. I couldn't be the hostess I wanted or needed to be because my spirit was in knots.
I love you, Lew. I wouldn't be so devastated by this if I didn't love you. Don't EVER do this to me again. It will break us irreversibly.
You died for me Thursday night. After the normal time for you to re-emerge when you drop out like this passed and there was still no word, I immediately thought the worst. Surely, you'd let me know you're alright if you could get to a phone, right? I'm at least that important to you, right? (well, I was wrong on both counts) The only explanation for me was that you were either severely injured and alone, or dead. I grieved for you Thursday night. All night. I wept and made myself sick.
I'm not over this by a long shot.
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, but I can't be a comfort to you right now. I doubt I'd do any good anyway. I'm obviously not worthy enough to try to comfort you. You would have called me otherwise.
I've always asked you one simple favour throughout our time together. That favour was that you would let me know what's going on with you and tell me that I need to keep my distance, and I will. I just need to know that you're okay or you're not okay. I don't need to be left guessing in the middle of the night, wondering if you're hurt and agonising that I can do nothing.
One more time of this and I will have to go away for good. You know I have abandonment issues. Everyone I love leaves me. You died on Thursday night, Lew. You died! You promised you wouldn't do this to me. The ache in my heart is still more than I can hardly bear, so here I am at work just vibrating with hurt and rage and helplessness.
As for my friend, she left the next morning. She had to see me very upset and in deep emotional pain. I couldn't be the hostess I wanted or needed to be because my spirit was in knots.
I love you, Lew. I wouldn't be so devastated by this if I didn't love you. Don't EVER do this to me again. It will break us irreversibly.
