..........

[tinhuviel]

> The anger is just settling in on me and the hurt is
> still there.
> You died for me Thursday night. After the normal
> time for you to re-emerge when you drop out like
> this passed and there was still no word, I
> immediately thought the worst. Surely, you'd let me
> know you're alright if you could get to a phone,
> right? I'm at least that important to you, right?
> (well, I was wrong on both counts) The only
> explanation for me was that you were either severely
> injured and alone, or dead. I grieved for you
> Thursday night. All night. I wept and made myself
> sick.

*** I should have called and gave you the bad
news/good news thing- "I got here safely now I plan to
die." You don't understand- for you to ask such a
thing of me. I was NOT ALRIGHT. I am STILL NOT
ALRIGHT. I feel like I will never be OK again- even
now. Its not passing as it used to. How could I have
called and said- Its ok?

I understand how such a courtesy would have eased
your fear- but you would have fond out when everybody
else did.

>
> I'm not over this by a long shot.
>
> I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, but I
> can't be a comfort to you right now. I doubt I'd do
> any good anyway. I'm obviously not worthy enough to
> try to comfort you. You would have called me
> otherwise.
>
*** I won't ask for your comfort again. I am sorry. I
know I have no right, and so I will not. Everything
changed for me and now you are far better off without
me and what I must do. I never expected it to suddenly
take me like this. I got no warning either. I am so
sorry for hurting you so. I will miss you. I will
never stop loving you, just stop hurting you.


> I've always asked you one simple favour throughout
> our time together. That favour was that you would
> let me know what's going on with you and tell me
> that I need to keep my distance, and I will. I just
> need to know that you're okay or you're not okay. I
> don't need to be left guessing in the middle of the
> night, wondering if you're hurt and agonising that I
> can do nothing.
>
> One more time of this and I will have to go away for
> good. You know I have abandonment issues. Everyone
> I love leaves me. You died on Thursday night, Lew.
> You died! You promised you wouldn't do this to me.
> The ache in my heart is still more than I can hardly
> bear, so here I am at work just vibrating with hurt
> and rage and helplessness.

** It need not happen again for you. I can't forsee
getting over this and finding myself again. I can't.
You SHOULD NOT. I will not hurt you again. This is my
personal hell and I don't want you there also. I
regret that I did not die that night and now I have to
do it all over again- but right this time. Sorry. It
was supposed to be a private and personal thing- and
now everybody is all over it. Forgive me for my fatal
flaw. Forgive me for the love we will no longer share.

>
> As for my friend, she left the next morning. She
> had to see me very upset and in deep emotional pain.
> I couldn't be the hostess I wanted or needed to be
> because my spirit was in knots.
>
> I love you, Lew. I wouldn't be so devastated by
> this if I didn't love you. Don't EVER do this to me
> again. It will break us irreversibly.

*** Its only a matter of time the way I am feeling now
until it happens again for the last time. I am not
expecting it to get better now. Cut now while you
still have some shred of your heart left. I am so
sorry, Tracy. I never expected it to happen to me like
this, and I can't hurt you anymore. I love you.
Goodbye.
L

Comments

[luminita.livejournal.com]

*comfort* I'm sorry is all I can say. :( *hugs*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks...

[brujah.livejournal.com]

Reading this pissed me off. A lot.

I won't add to your misery by picking it apart at the seams. I will instead tell you that I think you are a wonderful, deep, caring person and the loss is truly his. You're beautiful, dollface, absolutely beautiful inside and out. If you need to talk I'm available.. or need anything at all, you ask and I mean it.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you sweetie but I think, after tomorrow night, I may just retreat for a while...a long while.

[brujah.livejournal.com]

I shall miss you, m'dear, but so understand why you've the need to not be confronted with people.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_willowmyst/]

There's nothing I can say to make it better for you my dear Sister, all I can say is this: I'm here, I've always been here, and I always will be. You know where I am. If you want to talk drop me an email and I'll give you my working hours and my cellphone number, if you don't want to talk then I understand sweetheart.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear one.

[blueinatl.livejournal.com]

All I can do is offer a hug and an ear if you need it.

C

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie

[obie.livejournal.com]

You know where I am. If you need to get away, let me know. You are more than welcome to come and stay if you need to.

*hugs*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

You're a very sweet man.

[obie.livejournal.com]

i take care of my friends as much as i can.

Or try to at any rate

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

You succeed quite nicely, love.

[obie.livejournal.com]

well thanks, its nice to hear

[ex-glittert.livejournal.com]

Oh T.....

:(

:hug:

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

:( :hug back:

[furnacechant.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Not much I can say to be a comfort...Maybe drink some hot tea or chicken broth and watch cartoons and read kid's books all night long, that's what sometimes makes me feel better in really crappy unfixable situations...

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I didn't find any cartoons, but Riddick always helps.
Thanks.

[aditi-.livejournal.com]

*huge hugs*
I'm here if you need me.
:(

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks, my friend.

[chardarkminion.livejournal.com]

Don't allow this person to do it again.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I plan not to.

[delenn99.livejournal.com]

Oh hon... *sighs* I feel so deeply for you, and yet, I feel inside like this is something you need to go through in order to become stronger, to find out who YOU are. I agree with another commenter - dont let him do this to you again. You are worth more, MUCH more.

Meanwhile, I will point you to this website: http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

It is a wonderful book and it helped me a lot when I went through what I did last year with Ulesegisa.

*hugs* and warm fuzzy thoughts and reiki are headed your way from me.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I'll check that out. Thank you for everything.

[debrafortune.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorryyou're in pain.

I know you've had plenty of offers already - but if you need to talk I'm on yahoo til around 3am your time, on average, almost every night.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much

[sri3m.livejournal.com]

Oh Tin, I am so so sorry. However I have to point this out, along with my love & respect for you; YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED. Put up with it and pattern repeats. If it is his Will to end his life, then that is his right. You are beautiful & lovely & loving inside & out, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than THIS.
I am up on YIM for you, & you alone. I am dialing you up next.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thanks for calling last night. I don't remember much about it all, but I so appreciate your friendship and love.

My 93 Cents

[insanvs.livejournal.com]

I have seen this sort of "love". It is not love.

"There are love and love. There is the dove and there is the serpent, choose ye well." - While not perhaps speaking directly "to you", it might indeed though, pertain to this sort of situation.

The path of love is not for the faint of heart and You are very worthy of this Noble path. Your love has been pure and enduring and loyal. He is using you. That is not love. Hurting someone through either manipulation, emotional misuse or (gods forbid) physical abuse; these things are not in the realm of true love.

You have friends that truly love you. Remember that. In my darkest hour I had friends and they carried me though, along with a good deal of my own stubborness. I am sure You have this strength in yourself as well. Cherish yourself.

Take a long hot bath and let those evil emotional vampric issues be washed away. Banish those cruel intentions and uncouth words. A
Lady should never be treated in such a manner. My sword is at your call should you need it.

We love you.

Re: My 93 Cents

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

This means a lot. Thank you so much, love.

[ealdthryth.livejournal.com]

I'm *so* sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. I appreciate it.

[cowchi.livejournal.com]

Absolutely awful. :(   {{{hugs}}}

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you.