Creepshow

Today I cut the grass. As a result, I've been thinking about Creepshow and Stephen King's acting debut as Jordy, I guess because I feel a lot like him. I'm horrified at all the grass that gets on me and I realise that scratching makes it worse, but I can't help but apply fingernails to my exposed skin.
As I recall, Jordy got so desperate over and overwhelmed by the hell grass, that he opted to take a rifle and blow his brains out. As I think on how high the grass now is because of all the rain we've gotten this week, getting a gun from the National Rifle Association is starting to look really attractive right now.
I really really really need to get that damned goat.

Late to Bed, Early to Rise

Makes a woman unhealthy, poverty-stricken and pissed.

Yesterday, Llew came over shortly after I'd finished mowing the grass. I was sipping on ice water and eyeballing the XXX calendar I got from work. drool drool

He administered a little herbal remedy to my sore and weary body and we were just about to head for bed when Melanie called needing the truck. So off he went to trade vehicles with her. While he was there, she asked if could come back home by 6 a.m. and watch Destiny so she and Billy could go to the flea market. Of course, he said, because he's a wonderful, kind, giving man.

So we were up by 5:15. I fed Chester and drug Llew out of bed. Off he went. Now, instead of going back to bed, I got online like a tackhead. When will this addiction ever subside? Anyways, I found a groovy quiz, courtesy of goddessinga, so the Quizzolator strikes once again!
( Dog Pound )

OK, now I'm gonna lie back down. I don't have a damned thing to do today, so I'm going to take advantage if it kills me. Maybe Llew will come back later on and we can go flying. One can but hope.
Yawn.

Sasquatch

Today is my shaving day. Since I have a heavy dose of ethnic blood ~ mad Jewish women with too much testosterone, this shaving project takes a while. I think that some of my ancestors made it to America a very long time ago and started the Native American legend of Sasquatch.

Sasquatch was a woman, a Jewish woman from either Holland or Hungary (not quite clear on that one yet) who had not shaved in a couple of weeks. The Natives saw her roaming about the countryside, checking out the local flora and fauna, and they were in awe of this hairy creature invading their lands. Sasquatch was born!

So each Saturday I de-Sasquatch. I do so for my own protection and the preservation of the faint-hearted. The only thing I'm not shaving, plucking, or waxing is my eyebrows. Llew wants to see my brows in all their glory. He was gracious enough to concede about my keeping the middle part clear so I wouldn't be mistaken for Leonid Brezhnev.

Hair has been a bane to my existence for ever the longest. If I don't de-Sasquatch, I'm looked upon like a 'freak of nature' for my excessive hairiness; however, what most people don't know is that we ethnic types who have the hair issue also have an overload of testosterone. That makes most Manheim women, to the best of my knowledge, extremely sexual creatures. So, the next time you men spurn a hairy woman, just think about this: you're probably missing the chance for an ungodly experience in sexual heaven ~ a woman who's drive meets or probably exceeds your own. Besides, she probably hasn't had the chance to de-Sasquatch!

Anyway, I've got to get back to it. My day is being made easier by a new razor I bought: Gillette Venus Passion. It's sweeeet and I haven't cut myself once yet. Yay me!

Animals

We've heard of a murder of crows and a trip of billy goats.  What are some other imaginative animal groupings?

• A snorkle of weasels


• A vapour of lady bugs


• A chatter of wombats


• A chunk of platypus


• An improv of lemmings


• A scream of millipedes

[Poll #133481]

Quotes Rehaul

Our telephone and address book has quotes throughout its pages. I kind of enhanced a lot of them over the years. Since our book is now falling apart, I figured I'd try to preserve some of the better ones in the journal.

"A letter need not be long to be welcome." ~Emily Post
but a phone call is ten times easier

"Make not my ear a stranger to your thoughts." ~Joseph Addison
Make not my love buttons a stranger to your touch.

"Never shall they spoken word / be again unsaid, unheard." ~Rose Terry Cooke
unless thou art an enemy of the State or of the Church

"He knows not when to be silent who knows not when to speak." ~Publilius Syrus
He knows not when to shut his piehole in trying times

"Good words are worth much, and cost little" ~George Herbert
Bad words get more laughs and more money

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together." ~Josh Billings
One grunt can speak volumes

"It is when you give of yourself that you truly give." ~Kahlil Gibran
This guy never saw Coma

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words." ~Elbert Hubbard
He who does not understand your words probably does not speak your language

"Words are the wings of actions." ~Johann Kaspar Lavater
Violence is the propellers of action movies

"The best love-letters are the direct promptings of the heart." ~Carleton B. Case
The best hate letters require several magazines, scissors, and glue.

"Letters mingles souls" ~John Donne
Orgies mingle bodies

"He removes the greatest ornament of friendship, who takes away from it respect." ~Cicero
He who has the biggest ornament gets the most respect and more women.

"Oft the pangs of absence are removed by a letter." ~Old Valentine
Oft the joys of one's absence are also removed by a letter.

"A line is enough for memory" ~Old autograph album
Two lines give a better high.

"Much that well may be thought cannot wisely be said." ~Epes Sargent's Standard Fourth Reader
unless you're rich, dying, or crazy

"A letter should never remain unanswered a moment longer than is absolutely unavoidable." ~Hints on Etiquette, 1834
unless its a suicide note which usually deosn't require a reply

"I count only the sunny hours." ~Sundial motto
'cos I can't see to count in the dark

"When hands are linked that dread to part,
and heart is met by throbbing heart --
Oh! bitter, bitter is the smart
of them that bid farewell!" ~Reginald Heber
When eye is met with baleful eye
and poison's thrust forth like a sty
just kiss your sorry ass goodbye
and take and like your lumps

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing funny was ever achieved without Mel Brooks

"Oh whistle, and I'll come to ye, my lad." ~Robert Burns
Fart, and far shall I run!

"Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today." ~Benjamin Franklin
Never do that which you so hateth today or any day"

"Unless we remember we cannot understand." ~Edward M. Forster
Unless we forget, we can never truly forgive.

"Nothing endures but personal qualities." ~Walt Whitman
Nothing endures but roaches and ebola

"Love in a letter endures forever in our memories." ~Emily Post
and can be used against you in court. Just ask Judge Judy!

"All's well that ends well." ~William Shakespeare
All's hideous that ends horribly

"Language is the dress of thought." ~Samuel Johnson
Does that mean mutes are nekkid?

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~Mahatma Gandhi
but the rich can just kill you and get it over with

"Little strokes fell great oaks." ~Benjamin Franklin
Big strokes melt half your body

"I'll note you in my book of memory." ~William Shakespeare
I'll put you on my shit list

"Never promise more than you can perform." ~Publilius Syrus
Promise nothing but the possibility of a hope of a promise.

"One good word can warm three months." ~Japanese proverb
Two good words create a heatwave

"Simplicity is the glory of expression." ~Walt Whitman
Stupidity is the herald of regression

"The only gift is a portion of thyself." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
That's what Mike Tyson said to Evander Holyfield

"Nothing is more useful to a man than to speak clearly." ~Phaedrus
"Rehruhh!" ~Gabby Johnson