So....

I got another letter from him last night.
( the letter )

Usually, my heart would go out to him upon reading such wordage, but not this time. He died Thursday night. I had him dead in his vehicle at the bottom of a ravine. I lay awake all night grieving for him, aching in a way that is impossible to correctly describe. Then, to find out that he's alive..... My relief is tarnished with a resentment and rage that has not yet quelled. My first reaction is to dump him, but my compassionate side holds me back. After all this, I still don't want to hurt him. So, I remain incommunicado. Silent and introspective, I look forward to nothing but a good movie and sleep tonight. I want to be left alone. I don't want to be touched or talked to.

He says he loves me, but I question how that can truly be. You don't terrify people you love. At least not in my world you don't.

I have issues with abandonment. He knows this. Even death for me is a form of abandonment. Everyone I have ever loved has left me, from early childhood throughout my entire life, except for Aunt Tudi. It seems like, the moment I say those 3 words ~ "I love you" ~, that person leaves, or dies, or rejects me in some way. This is what Llew has done to me. I thought he was dead or injured and unable to reach out for help. I was helpless and horrified.

Now I'm angry. With each passing hour I get angrier.

It wouldn't do for me to talk to him or see him right now. If he's truly as depressed as he says, I would only add to his misery and my own. My rage has just begun to blossom.

Movie Meme

1. Pick 10 movies that are ones that you enjoy.
2. Pick a line of dialogue that you like.
3. As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
( moooovies )

He just called

I'm not answering my phone at work today, so he left a message. This is a sure sign of his stupidity because he obviously has no inkling how dangerous it would be to talk to me any time in the foreseeable future.

I Wrote Him Back

The anger is just settling in on me and the hurt is still there.
You died for me Thursday night. After the normal time for you to re-emerge when you drop out like this passed and there was still no word, I immediately thought the worst. Surely, you'd let me know you're alright if you could get to a phone, right? I'm at least that important to you, right? (well, I was wrong on both counts) The only explanation for me was that you were either severely injured and alone, or dead. I grieved for you Thursday night. All night. I wept and made myself sick.

I'm not over this by a long shot.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, but I can't be a comfort to you right now. I doubt I'd do any good anyway. I'm obviously not worthy enough to try to comfort you. You would have called me otherwise.

I've always asked you one simple favour throughout our time together. That favour was that you would let me know what's going on with you and tell me that I need to keep my distance, and I will. I just need to know that you're okay or you're not okay. I don't need to be left guessing in the middle of the night, wondering if you're hurt and agonising that I can do nothing.

One more time of this and I will have to go away for good. You know I have abandonment issues. Everyone I love leaves me. You died on Thursday night, Lew. You died! You promised you wouldn't do this to me. The ache in my heart is still more than I can hardly bear, so here I am at work just vibrating with hurt and rage and helplessness.

As for my friend, she left the next morning. She had to see me very upset and in deep emotional pain. I couldn't be the hostess I wanted or needed to be because my spirit was in knots.

I love you, Lew. I wouldn't be so devastated by this if I didn't love you. Don't EVER do this to me again. It will break us irreversibly.

..........

> The anger is just settling in on me and the hurt is
> still there.
> You died for me Thursday night. After the normal
> time for you to re-emerge when you drop out like
> this passed and there was still no word, I
> immediately thought the worst. Surely, you'd let me
> know you're alright if you could get to a phone,
> right? I'm at least that important to you, right?
> (well, I was wrong on both counts) The only
> explanation for me was that you were either severely
> injured and alone, or dead. I grieved for you
> Thursday night. All night. I wept and made myself
> sick.

*** I should have called and gave you the bad
news/good news thing- "I got here safely now I plan to
die." You don't understand- for you to ask such a
thing of me. I was NOT ALRIGHT. I am STILL NOT
ALRIGHT. I feel like I will never be OK again- even
now. Its not passing as it used to. How could I have
called and said- Its ok?

I understand how such a courtesy would have eased
your fear- but you would have fond out when everybody
else did.

>
> I'm not over this by a long shot.
>
> I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, but I
> can't be a comfort to you right now. I doubt I'd do
> any good anyway. I'm obviously not worthy enough to
> try to comfort you. You would have called me
> otherwise.
>
*** I won't ask for your comfort again. I am sorry. I
know I have no right, and so I will not. Everything
changed for me and now you are far better off without
me and what I must do. I never expected it to suddenly
take me like this. I got no warning either. I am so
sorry for hurting you so. I will miss you. I will
never stop loving you, just stop hurting you.


> I've always asked you one simple favour throughout
> our time together. That favour was that you would
> let me know what's going on with you and tell me
> that I need to keep my distance, and I will. I just
> need to know that you're okay or you're not okay. I
> don't need to be left guessing in the middle of the
> night, wondering if you're hurt and agonising that I
> can do nothing.
>
> One more time of this and I will have to go away for
> good. You know I have abandonment issues. Everyone
> I love leaves me. You died on Thursday night, Lew.
> You died! You promised you wouldn't do this to me.
> The ache in my heart is still more than I can hardly
> bear, so here I am at work just vibrating with hurt
> and rage and helplessness.

** It need not happen again for you. I can't forsee
getting over this and finding myself again. I can't.
You SHOULD NOT. I will not hurt you again. This is my
personal hell and I don't want you there also. I
regret that I did not die that night and now I have to
do it all over again- but right this time. Sorry. It
was supposed to be a private and personal thing- and
now everybody is all over it. Forgive me for my fatal
flaw. Forgive me for the love we will no longer share.

>
> As for my friend, she left the next morning. She
> had to see me very upset and in deep emotional pain.
> I couldn't be the hostess I wanted or needed to be
> because my spirit was in knots.
>
> I love you, Lew. I wouldn't be so devastated by
> this if I didn't love you. Don't EVER do this to me
> again. It will break us irreversibly.

*** Its only a matter of time the way I am feeling now
until it happens again for the last time. I am not
expecting it to get better now. Cut now while you
still have some shred of your heart left. I am so
sorry, Tracy. I never expected it to happen to me like
this, and I can't hurt you anymore. I love you.
Goodbye.
L