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tinhuvielIn the past year, I have learnt that if you find yourself unable to behave in a manner more comfortable for those who have been your "friends" for years, and you begin to deal with issues that cannot be avoided in the best way you know how, there are many so-called friends who deem it perfectly feasible to abandon you when you probably need them the most.
Therapists most often place the burden of "isolating" on the individual going through such a transition, when I don't think it's that at all. I think it's finding oneself in the untenable situation of being cut loose at sea in a region of emotional water that is alien, frightening, and dangerous, without even a life raft or flotation device that might once have been provided by people who would have provided such a thing based on the convenience or comfort level for them.
I learned today that I was "blocked" on a social networking site because my attitude, albeit mostly jokingly, was intolerable to the person who blocked me. This person and I have for many years been at philosophical odds, which was a fascinating and educational dynamic to put it mildly, but we always found a common ground, and were always honest with one another regarding our feelings about life in general and our true love for one another. I felt I could always depend upon her for her honesty with me and I had hoped she felt the same about me. Apparently, since I have found it downright impossible to even pretend a tolerance of fluffy-bunniness over the past year, she has taken my position regarding such behaviour as personal and has blocked me from her life on certain levels.
Friendships should be friendships either 100% or not at all. At least, that's my opinion, be it humble or no. Am I hurt by this revelation? Yes. Surprised? I'd like to say so, but I'm really not. The most "tolerant" and "all-inclusive" people often turn out to be the most hypocritical, I've come to learn. This is someone I came to know in "real life," pre-Internet. She has always known I've walked a darker path. She seemed to have always accepted that, just as I accepted what I believed to be an irrational optimism in the face of obvious desolation.
And, like so many others have since Aunt Tudi's death, she's chosen to distance herself from me when I need people the most. My therapist says the best thing for me is to have more human contact. If I have to act in order to obtain such contact, I'm not really sure that's really all that healthy. One thing for certain is, though, my friends I've made through the Internet are much more precious to me now than ever before. If it weren't for many of you, I honestly doubt I'd be here at all right now. Take that for what it's worth, either a blessing, a curse, a burden, or an honour; none of the above, or a combination of them all. It's just a simple fact I'm putting out there.
For those who know when my joking is just that, joking, and take what I say and do with the big chunk of salt it requires, I commend you for your courage and your friendship. I am grateful to you, and I hope you love and trust me enough to tell me if I ever upset you by my actions either in word or deed. Despite my plunge into full-on agnosticism, I still do believe in the Threefold Law and "'An in harm none, do what ye will." It is not my intent to harm anyone, except for maybe myself at times. I respect everyone I know. That's why my friends base is comprised not just of Pagans and Liberals, but also of scientists, Conservatives, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, LGBTs, and so many others who decide to take on whatever labels you choose. I respect you all. I learn from you all. We all have something of worth to share with one another. If we shut off one aspect of such interaction, to me, it's like performing an amputation without the proper surgical tools and without anaesthetic.
Yes, my outlook on life has gotten considerably darker in the past year. I would think that's when friends rally around one another, when they see one of their own in pain. This is obviously how it does not work, not in this imperfect human world where one hurt exponentially leads to another. A major life change most definitely puts into perspective who your real family and real friends are. My circle is decidedly much smaller than I could have ever imagined, and it grieves me on a level I can't sufficiently translate into words. I'd like to say that I would be there for any one of you, in whatever situation you find yourself in, regardless of how convenient or inconvenient it might be for me. That's what friends are for, at least that's how I've always understood the definitiion.
I will say this, and it's an admission that literally kills me to make, but make it I must: this new development has driven me to tears. And it shakes my already tenuous faith in humanity and the power of friendship, if there is even such a power that actually exists. It's moments like this that gives credence to my proclivity to reclusiveness, just to turn my back on the entire world and die hopefully sooner than later alone, like I apparently am.
I've spent too many years of my life being friends to people who find it very easy to cut me off simply because our ideals don't match and I've become an inconvenience to them. If you surround yourself with people exactly like yourself, how do you ever hope to grow? You don't. It's only a proliferation of what you believe to be the one true and right way. It's narcissistic if you ask me.
There is no one true and right way. There is only the best way through it all, with the best people you can find, to help you get by and who will allow you to have the honour to do the same for them in whatever way you are capable. It's a learning experience. The greatest test is when the relationship is rocked by tragedy or joy, any extreme of any kind. If it can't hold up, it was a lie from the very beginning.
Over the past few months, I've been in awe of the number of lies that have wrapped around me in the guise of wondrous ribbons so full of beauty that they could make even the master Elvensmiths of Tolkien's universe weep in response. But pretty ribbons and empty words disintegrate when the actuality of the Real raises its all-too-often ugly head.
It's not even the end of the first month of 2013, but already have I experienced the best and worst of what humanity can offer. The funny thing is, the best comes from people I've never met in real life, and the worst comes from individuals with whom I've carried on a relationship for 15 years. If this is any indication of what 2013 holds for me, I easily foresee a redefinition of the words friendship and family.
Now excuse me while I go try to find my kleenex.
Therapists most often place the burden of "isolating" on the individual going through such a transition, when I don't think it's that at all. I think it's finding oneself in the untenable situation of being cut loose at sea in a region of emotional water that is alien, frightening, and dangerous, without even a life raft or flotation device that might once have been provided by people who would have provided such a thing based on the convenience or comfort level for them.
I learned today that I was "blocked" on a social networking site because my attitude, albeit mostly jokingly, was intolerable to the person who blocked me. This person and I have for many years been at philosophical odds, which was a fascinating and educational dynamic to put it mildly, but we always found a common ground, and were always honest with one another regarding our feelings about life in general and our true love for one another. I felt I could always depend upon her for her honesty with me and I had hoped she felt the same about me. Apparently, since I have found it downright impossible to even pretend a tolerance of fluffy-bunniness over the past year, she has taken my position regarding such behaviour as personal and has blocked me from her life on certain levels.
Friendships should be friendships either 100% or not at all. At least, that's my opinion, be it humble or no. Am I hurt by this revelation? Yes. Surprised? I'd like to say so, but I'm really not. The most "tolerant" and "all-inclusive" people often turn out to be the most hypocritical, I've come to learn. This is someone I came to know in "real life," pre-Internet. She has always known I've walked a darker path. She seemed to have always accepted that, just as I accepted what I believed to be an irrational optimism in the face of obvious desolation.
And, like so many others have since Aunt Tudi's death, she's chosen to distance herself from me when I need people the most. My therapist says the best thing for me is to have more human contact. If I have to act in order to obtain such contact, I'm not really sure that's really all that healthy. One thing for certain is, though, my friends I've made through the Internet are much more precious to me now than ever before. If it weren't for many of you, I honestly doubt I'd be here at all right now. Take that for what it's worth, either a blessing, a curse, a burden, or an honour; none of the above, or a combination of them all. It's just a simple fact I'm putting out there.
For those who know when my joking is just that, joking, and take what I say and do with the big chunk of salt it requires, I commend you for your courage and your friendship. I am grateful to you, and I hope you love and trust me enough to tell me if I ever upset you by my actions either in word or deed. Despite my plunge into full-on agnosticism, I still do believe in the Threefold Law and "'An in harm none, do what ye will." It is not my intent to harm anyone, except for maybe myself at times. I respect everyone I know. That's why my friends base is comprised not just of Pagans and Liberals, but also of scientists, Conservatives, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, LGBTs, and so many others who decide to take on whatever labels you choose. I respect you all. I learn from you all. We all have something of worth to share with one another. If we shut off one aspect of such interaction, to me, it's like performing an amputation without the proper surgical tools and without anaesthetic.
Yes, my outlook on life has gotten considerably darker in the past year. I would think that's when friends rally around one another, when they see one of their own in pain. This is obviously how it does not work, not in this imperfect human world where one hurt exponentially leads to another. A major life change most definitely puts into perspective who your real family and real friends are. My circle is decidedly much smaller than I could have ever imagined, and it grieves me on a level I can't sufficiently translate into words. I'd like to say that I would be there for any one of you, in whatever situation you find yourself in, regardless of how convenient or inconvenient it might be for me. That's what friends are for, at least that's how I've always understood the definitiion.
I will say this, and it's an admission that literally kills me to make, but make it I must: this new development has driven me to tears. And it shakes my already tenuous faith in humanity and the power of friendship, if there is even such a power that actually exists. It's moments like this that gives credence to my proclivity to reclusiveness, just to turn my back on the entire world and die hopefully sooner than later alone, like I apparently am.
I've spent too many years of my life being friends to people who find it very easy to cut me off simply because our ideals don't match and I've become an inconvenience to them. If you surround yourself with people exactly like yourself, how do you ever hope to grow? You don't. It's only a proliferation of what you believe to be the one true and right way. It's narcissistic if you ask me.
There is no one true and right way. There is only the best way through it all, with the best people you can find, to help you get by and who will allow you to have the honour to do the same for them in whatever way you are capable. It's a learning experience. The greatest test is when the relationship is rocked by tragedy or joy, any extreme of any kind. If it can't hold up, it was a lie from the very beginning.
Over the past few months, I've been in awe of the number of lies that have wrapped around me in the guise of wondrous ribbons so full of beauty that they could make even the master Elvensmiths of Tolkien's universe weep in response. But pretty ribbons and empty words disintegrate when the actuality of the Real raises its all-too-often ugly head.
It's not even the end of the first month of 2013, but already have I experienced the best and worst of what humanity can offer. The funny thing is, the best comes from people I've never met in real life, and the worst comes from individuals with whom I've carried on a relationship for 15 years. If this is any indication of what 2013 holds for me, I easily foresee a redefinition of the words friendship and family.
Now excuse me while I go try to find my kleenex.
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no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 01:47 am (UTC)(((hugs)))
**kleenex**
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 01:52 am (UTC)<3
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 03:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 04:10 am (UTC)What? Somebody has to clean up the eyeballs.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 04:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 01:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:02 am (UTC)even small attempts at reaching out to someone, these are rejected. i don't get it. and i don't get the people who say they are there to listen, but then interrupt you when you do start talking and then they don't fucking shut up. it's so fucking hard to open up in the first place.
the people around me really don't know anything about me.
i used to chat people up on instant messengers, but i don't even turn them on anymore. isolation is what life is, anymore. whether i like it or not.
i think maybe these people who stopped walking with you through your pain either have never had such pain in their own lives, or have so sublimated their reality that they can't be reminded of it without imploding. it's just a theory though.
i hope you count me as one of your friends, even though i don't say much. i'm walking through pain too, still. just know that if i am not responding to everything, i am still reading everything. and usually with tears too. when you disappear from the net i worry along with everyone else.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:29 am (UTC)I've often used humour to mask the darker things clouding my head. I'm a firm believer that it's better to laugh than cry. I am not everyone's cup of tea and I am choosy with whom I share any depth at all because apparently if you're quick to laugh, you're shallow and a clown.
Philosopher clown, that's me.
Grief is one of those things people talk around and about, but never really talk TO it unless they're experiencing the pain first hand. Folks can offer sympathy, but until you've experienced that level of loss first hand, you can never bring empathy into the picture.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm not here and not going anywhere unless you want rid of me. You're my friend.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 11:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:36 am (UTC)So in go the fingers in the ears and the "LALALALALALA-I-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU" (metaphorically speaking). Which is shitty to do. But not surprising. Mostly, people act pretty much like people, which is to say: Dumb, Panicky and Dangerous.
I don't have any real response, except a (((hug)))
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 04:14 am (UTC)I am so very sorry that this person distanced and excised you. I have experienced that a number of times in my past.
The most "tolerant" and "all-inclusive" people often turn out to be the most hypocritical, I've come to learn.
THAT is a FACT. I have come to the point where lack of intolerance in another is a huge red flag for me. I can't trust someone who is so obviously lying to herself.
I know we are not super-close or anything, but I consider you a real friend, and I really do mean to send you some CDs and a box of shit.
I would be completely alone if not for people who can tolerate my general anger, misanthropy, and depression. I am, after all, utterly delightful at times, and probably would not be so if not for all of the black. Without it, I am not sure I would have anything to say.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 04:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 05:08 am (UTC)That's another thing about friendship. In my estimation, it is not an accounts payable/accounts receivable arrangement. It's an exchange of energies, and that which is given must be given freely, or one is borrowing trouble.
Fluffy bunnies are great étouffée. *highfive*
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 06:44 am (UTC)I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I wish I could do something concrete to help. If I can, let me know.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-12 06:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 03:56 pm (UTC)I've been so worried about you of late, and fretted over the fact that I didn't have the means to express it in the way I wanted to. (which involved cases of Cheerwine, btw) All I could do was watch your entries and send the good mojo and throw in a word when I could conjure one. I think this post has released something in me that was tightly gripping the fear you would hurt yourself in the depths of your grief. Maybe because this post makes it clear you're still reaching out to us. I'm so glad.
Cause we loves you, yes we does.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-12 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 06:18 pm (UTC)Be true to yourself, but also be gentle with yourself...
Here if you need me. You are in my prayers.
::hugs::
no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-11 07:07 pm (UTC)Transitioning.....
Date: 2013-01-11 07:41 pm (UTC)Sorry to read that you were so abandoned, but unfortunately, not that uncommon.
I'm glad you are writing about it, though, as so many has so many and comforting things to say.
Just like to add to the general love-in, and hope that things will get better for you.
Caringly Yours,
Oleander 56
Re: Transitioning.....
Date: 2013-01-11 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-12 06:06 am (UTC)So consider this post to come with a virtual crock pot full of delicious soup, a half-Dachsund/half Chihuahua puppy who is so happy and wags her tail SO HARD that her entire back end shimmies, and a big box of Kleenex. I will be sitting over here.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-12 06:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-12 09:12 pm (UTC)You are a mecurial person. So am I. We grok. And may it ever be so.
You are my free-spirited soul sister. We laugh, we cry, it's called life. And I'm so fortunate to have you in mine.
Peace, dumpling.
Sophie
no subject
Date: 2013-01-13 06:52 am (UTC)