Tinhuviel Artanis

So Krimmus day was very cool. Laid back, cheery, and filled with naps and relaxation. All the phone obligations were handled early, allowing Aunt Tudi and myself the rest of the day to just chill out.

Today is different. Today, we'll be going out to fight the crowds and purchase supplies for next December. This is Aunt Tudi's favourite day of the holiday month. She gets to buy all manner of wrapping paper, bows, and whatnot at slashed prices. Her favourite place is Lowes because they sell the metallic wrapping paper. I'm hoping that this is the only place we go, 'cos I'm just not a shopper. I'm with the men on this. Don't tarry, don't linger, just get what you gotta have and get the hell out!

After the shopping thing, I'm supposed to go see Llew. The kids have gone to Tennessee, so we'll have the house to ourselves. I'm hoping to go and get back before dark, at which time I'll log back on to my beloved Internet and chill before heading to beddiebyes.

While I'm waiting on Aunt Tudi to finish her lunch so we can scoot on outta here, I took a quiz I stole from popfiend. It's too cool to wait and post it with the other quizzes on Friday.

( twilight zone )

This is the fourth straight day I've felt fantastic, both physically and mentally. Surely this is a sign that death is near.

The original ending for The Chalice saw Kelat entombed by Thiyennen at the behest of Cadmus Pariah. Her fate was to linger in darkness and hunger while Cadmus reshaped the Great Hive with the help of Thiyennen and the Hive of Redemption. The story ended with a letter Kelat had written to Thaddeus. In it, she expressed her deepest affection for him as well as her almost unbearable regret.

I wrote the letter Kelat was supposed to have sent to Thaddeus way back in 1989, but I can't find it now. It's probably just as well, because it was heart-wrenching for me to write it, being the letter I wanted to send to my soulmate. It mirrored the exile I felt in his presence, entombed in the crypt of a love I could never openly express.

I chose instead to reunite Kelat and Thaddeus and allow them to cradle each other, at least for a while. Such an optimistic change in the storyline has made me rather forlorn as it's the result of my secret wishful thinking and knowing that this outcome can't ever be in our current incarnations.

There's an overwhelming bittersweetness and melancholy wrapping around me like a shroud. It's nights like this that make me miss him and long for the simpler days, even if those days didn't allow anything but my covert adoration.

---

Shortly before I arrived at Llew's, his daughter got a call with the news that her mother had been in a terrible car accident. Both she and her passenger were flown by helicopter to the hospital. I suggested to Llew that, instead of our visiting for a couple of hours tonight, he should be with his daughter during this crisis and I'd just come see him tomorrow. Melanie is heading up to Tennessee tomorrow morning, so I figured it was the right thing for her dad to comfort her tonight.

It's for the best this way anyway. As usual, I'm not in the mood.

I've gotten almost 2000 words down so far, and plan to write more because I'm keen on telling this part of the story. It's been a focal point for me for almost a decade now, but I've never told the full account of it. It's the tale in which Cadmus scalps Orphaeus Cygnus and, in The Chalice, it's told first person by Orphaeus himself. There are way too many odd coincidences about the Cadmus/Orphaeus relationship. Five years after creating Orphaeus and making him Cadmus' arch-nemesis, I stumbled upon B's trial website on which there was a link to a site called "The Head of Orpheus." Strange? Yes. Then I finally got to hear Illuminati's ne'er-released album, which featured a song called "Eurydice." All the songs were written by B, by the by. Oookay. Needless to say, I was fairly alarmed. Then, just recently, I was told about B's intense lack of enthusiasm for Danny Elfman, whose music helped to create Orphaeus.

Well. I would be lying if I didn't find all this insanely bizarre, enough so to make me bibble about and touch things just to make certain I'm still in reality, or at least my version of it.

Anyway, I broke the 100 page mark today and I'm keen on getting to at least 46500 words. I'm happy and petrified all at the same time.

---

One thing I did not do today is go out in public. Todd was supposed to come over today so we could do something, but he bailed because he thinks he's gotten the flu. It may possibly be the Slobovian Death Plague. I guess it's for the best, but I still wish we could spend more time together before he heads back to Portland. I wasn't keen on getting out in the unholy mess that is Black Friday, though.

Why anyone would want to partake in this new tradition of holiday consumerism is beyond me. It's shit like this that turned me against the Winter horribledays in the first place. Aunt Tudi and I have just about decided not to do the gift thing with anyone this year. Everyone we know is in financial dire straits and, even though we aren't (yet ~ hopefully never), we don't want to make anyone feel bad by giving gifts to folks who can't reciprocate. I know it's not about that, but society has made it the underlying angst of the horribledays.

The only thing I like about the season is I get to drag out my big "Happy Hannukah" sweatshirt and wear it proudly for all the local yokels to ogle and wonder. Some have asked me if I'm Jewish. Well, yes, I am! The Mother Unit is Jewish, so that makes me Jewish. I tell them that my mom is Jewish and my dad is a Baptist so, naturally, I became a Pagan. What choice did I have? But I like to recognise Chanukah (I like that spelling better) in my own little way. I drag out the Klezmer music and sing along in Pigeon Yiddish. It's what I do.

As for the horribledays, I'll be glad when it's all over. Everything on the TV and radio is about Krimmus. I'm sick of it. When I was still in Quality Assurance, I was sick of the horribledays by the end of July, which is when all the new Krimmus albums are manufactured for public consumption starting in September. I had to listen to all of them. It truly was Christmas in July for me for many long years. It's the only thing I don't miss about QA.

---

Aunt Tudi has a sleep study tomorrow night. I've invited Llew over to spend the night so I won't be alone and Aunt Tudi won't worry.

Instead of sleeping at the hospital like I had to when I had my sleep study, Aunt Tudi is getting a hotel room at the new Renaissance Marriott hotel in downtown Spartanburg. The hospital has a contract with the new hotel, which is the ultimate in luxury from what we've been told. So la-tee-damn-da for Aunt Tudi. I have to have her down there by 8:30 tomorrow night. Personally, I don't think they'll have to do the study to see if she has sleep apnea; rather, they need to do the test to see how many times she stops breathing thanks to her sleep apnea. I gaze into my crystal ball and foresee a C-PAP machine in Aunt Tudi's very near future. So it is written, so shall it be done.

---

I would like to say that my friends list is comprised of some of the most attractive souls on Earth and I'm very honoured that you allow me to slum about on your journals. Just thought that should be said.

---

In the next few days I want to write about Duke Scarpone. That man inspired so much unbridled lust and molten stirrings in my loins, I remember his name to this day. More on that later.

For now, it's time to get back to writing. This is the longest period of time ever that I've had Cadmus at the forefront of my mind and I'm actually more comfortable with him now that I've ever been. This does not bode well for my mental health.

Off to a rip-roaring start.

Now for a break and a visit with Llew. Then, back to it.

Tomorrow, Aunt Tudi and I are going to Asheville. When I get back, I'll be posting a variety of photos from the trip and other things. So yay.

It's been a very slow day. Aunt Tudi has slept for the majority of the day and I took a killer nap myself. As mentioned in my previous post, nothing was really accomplished today, so Monday is going to feel more like a Monday for the first time in a very long time. Business, business, business.

A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story just came on. This movie is for me what Mommie Dearest is for green_goblin70. I'm horrified by it, yet I must watch it. After this, the sequel comes on. It's called Her Final Fury. I'll be here until 11 PM, wincing and fidgeting in response to the horror of it all.

Aunt Tudi took this picture of Shmoop and me all unconscious last night. This is our state every night: me on my back and Shmoop spread out on my abdomen and chest like warm kitty butter.

( kitty spread )

I saw Rick yesterday. He invited Llew and me to his Hallowe'en party next weekend. I'm planning on going and may go as Sadako. This way, I can wear my nightgown and be all comfy. Of course, I'll need to shave my legs if I do this. If I don't, I'll be attending the party dressed as Sasquatch impersonating Sadako, and that would just be uncool. I suggested to Rick that he dress up like Darth Maul and then I would molest him. He said he'd have to have someone paint his face, that he couldn't do it himself. I volunteered. Of course, we were both just kidding. He mentioned he was planning on being a vampire. That would work, methinks. I'll be taking pictures. Lots of 'em.

Earlier today, clumsycake called, but it was during my nap so I think I said a couple of incoherent things to her, and then hung up. I tried to call her a little while ago, but the phone was busy. An apology is in order, methinks.

My visit to Llew last night was brief. He's still not feeling well, so we rescheduled for Saturday. I lent him my LOST DVDs, informing him that he would have a number of questions upon viewing the show, but don't ask me any of them, 'cos I don't know and it'll just piss me off. He asked me what it was all about and I told him that LOST as like The X-Files meets Gilligan's Island meets Land of the Lost in Hell. That peaked his interest considerably.

I am hellbent on going to Asheville one day next week. The colours on the Blue Ridge Parkway will be near peak by then. It's always nice to go back home and soak up the town's ambiance. Someday, I hope to move back home.

I won't be going to see Llew this evening because he'll be babysitting Destiny. It appears that Billy and Melanie both have to work tonight, so that precludes any romantic encounters we may have planned. It's just as well, though, 'cos the weather is atrocious and I don't really fancy having to go back out in all this rain. Don't get me wrong, I adore rain, but there comes a point where it's no longer winsome and peaceful; rather, it's just messy and soggy. After around a month of no rain whatsoever, getting this much in a single day is preposterous.

I've put the season one DVD of Battlestar Galactica in my bag and will drop it off at Llew's tomorrow morning. I promised him he could borrow it and catch up on the goings-on of Starbuck and gang whilst I'm out of town. Llew seemed very excited at getting his paws on BSG. Here's hoping he enjoys it. What am I saying? I know he'll enjoy it. He also has a crush on Starbuck. We have this in common, he and I.

Earlier I had a groovy chat with Todd. He played me some System of a Down over the phone and we chattered about David Lynch's Dune (one of our favourite subjects as there's just so much material to work with there). He's planning on coming home next month for Thanksgiving. It's gonna be bloody good to see my bestest pal.

I'm craving orange juice like a Floridian on Crack. Now, I'm not claiming to know what a Floridian on Crack would crave other than Crack, nor am I making a derogatory remark about Floridians in general. I merely mention the Floridian on Crack because most orange juice comes from Florida. It's just a thing, man! I'm not PC, so shoot me. Anyway, that Simply Orange orange juice with heavy pulp throws me into multiple juicegasms. It's the best damned orange juice I've ever splashed down my throat. But now I'm out of juice. So I cry.

Aunt Tudi is on the phone with the Father Unit. I've asked that she inform him that, come Wednesday at 9 PM, he should just consider me nonexistent. LOST will be on at that time and, if the Father Unit even attempts to talk to me between 9 and 10 that night, I shall swiftly cut his throat. I'm serious, man. Ain't nobody gonna come between me and Freak Island!

I'm taking my laptop with me to Moncks Corner. It's not so much a luxury this time as it is a necessity. I'll have to do my weekly Monster.com search for my unemployment records. Needless to say, this means that I'll probably remain current on LJ. Surely, I cannot go a full week without access to my beloved Live Journal! Perish the thought!

I tried to call Llew because I get the feeling he'd attempted to call me earlier and I couldn't answer the phone. Gretchen answered and, when I asked for Llew, she said coldly, "Llew is working on a film project right now and can't be interrupted. He will call you when he's on his break. When he's interrupted, he tends to get confused and mess up, so he can't take calls unless it's an emergency."

So I asked if she'd let him know that I called. She said she would.

After I hung up, it just hit me the wrong way about being talked to like that. I mean, it's not like I call him every day. I average maybe once a week and that's always returning his call. Usually, I'd just get pissed off about it and enjoy fuming for a while, but not today. Today, tears welled up in my eyeballs and I sniveled. I fucking hate it when I snivel.

I'm still in a really weird mood. Slept way too late and feel like I could go right back to sleep if given have the chance. For the first time in years I'm not dreading work tomorrow. It's like, now that we're really going to be winding down, I fully realise that my horror is almost over. I haven't heard from Llew since yesterday afternoon. This has got to be the most random, disjointed post I've ever made. How about a meme?

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This makes me happy on one level and weird-feeling on another. At least I know my efforts to distance him have worked. And I've encouraged him to find someone else. He says that this will go nowhere, but I think it might. He insists that I must be the one to end our relationship. Hopefully, this is the first step in his ending it, and I can remain guiltless.

( part of the conversation )

And I'm not lying. I do love Llew. I always will. But I think it's time we moved on. And now I believe he's beginning to understand that as well.

I don't know if I'll ever be involved with another again. The way I feel now, I don't think so. I'm just not interested; however, things change. Who knows what the future brings? All I know is that neither of us have been happy for a very long time. Most of it is because of what Llew did in January, but a chunk of it also has to do with my total lack of interest in sex and my proclivity for hermiting away.

Even though I feel really weird right now, I know this is a very positive development.

It's not hate.

It's apathy.

And that's what I feel now.

I'd pondered it and this is absolutely the emotion, or lack thereof, that I experience when talking to Llew. I came to this realisation earlier in the week when he mentioned Ginger to me. Before, I'd get really pissed at the mere mention of her name. After what she tried to do to us and to me in regard to Llew, the rage that simmered in my heart for her was dangerous...volatile. Really, I think he mentioned her coming to the shop for the specific reason of seeing my reaction. I don't think he liked what he got ~ uninterested nonchalance.

And then, yesterday, he informed me that he got a letter from a collection agency regarding the hospital bill he ran up from his crash a couple of years ago. Instead of aching for and worrying about his plight, I was surprisingly unconcerned. It is not my problem.

Yes, I'm worried for him. Yes, I love him. But I'm not so attached to him anymore that my empathy pulls me down along with him. My empathy has become a vague apathy. Up to a point, I feel rather guilty about this, but a large part of me ~ the resentful part ~ knows that I wouldn't be the way I am now had Llew not forced me there by his actions.

It's sad really. But I can't care enough to cry about it.

I got here rather early and pulled the orders from the fax machine. The stack measured about 2 inches. One inch was meted out to my 5 coworkers and the other inch was just for me. Should I feel proud? Should I feel special?

All I feel is overworked.

In other news:
Lew has to wait until he's legally declared executor of his dad's estate, so it looks like he'll be gone another 10 days or so. We're starting to feel the pangs of really missing each other.

Todd seems to be feeling better and may be coming for a visit in the near future. It'd be good to see him again...it's been years!

I've had a sore throat for 2 weeks...it just won't go away! Perhaps it's the dry air, but I never had a problem before.

So many quizzes have been dropped at my feet this week, I'm going to have to split them up instead of listing them all on Friday. Here's Quiz-a-thon, part one:
( quizlets )

OK, back to the pit for me.

Lew is safely in New Jersey now. The loss of his father didn't really hit him until he got there, I think. I wish I could be there to comfort him.
Seems he'll be away for a week and will be driving back as his dad left Lew the car. I miss him already. It's going to be an empty week without my Llewellyn. I just hope he's going to be all right through all of this.
I gave him my Triskele pendant for protection as I know he'll bring it back to me at all costs. As an aside, I'm thinking about getting him a Triskele pendant of his own. Somehow it just seems appropriate.

Dave Allen wants to host The Shriekback Digital Conspiracy. Looks like Derk is agreeable to it so I'm cool too. Besides, he has home court rights, eh? I wonder if he'd like to host Barry Andrews' site too? It would save me a bit of moolah and probably give me more room than Yahoo! does.
Dave also seems to be pretty hyped about the new Shriek album once again, so I think it rather timely that I'll be writing him and the others about getting that show on the road so to speak.
Barry Andrews will be returning in April, but not to the Southeast, it seems. At least not as it stands now. UUUUUGHGHGHGH!!! How embarrassing that his webmistress won't even get to meet him and shake his hand because she can't bloody afford to travel all over hell and half creation?

Kick me hard, dammit.

Looks like Lew and I are gonna have a problem...or maybe it's just me with the problem. It seems that Destiny has developed a jealous streak and doesn't like my being near Lew so, on Tuesdays when I go see him, she's squeezing in between us and, last night, she literally pushed me off the couch trying to get between us. If I don't move, she starts doing one or more of the following: whining, screaming, or climbing his or my frame.
I'm not really keen on kids so this is truly distressing me. My Sith side wants to squeeze her neck til her head pops off but my 'reasonable Jedi' side just wants to be passive and give up. Since Sith tactics tend to get me in trouble, I will more than likely just give up.
Damn damn damn...

and lots of things are roiling about in my head today. Where to begin?
( at the beginning? )

Lew and I had a good weekend. Lots of laughter and playfulness after a dark period of my loss of Henry and discovery of health problems combined with his plummeting into a phase of immobilising depression. I hate it when we cycle together.

Anyway, I made spaghetti for dinner Saturday night. Aunt Tudi, Lew, and I all ate a little much and saw that we'd be eating the same thing on Sunday as I made a ton, it seems. But it was a culinary success, so I won't complain! I rarely cook but, when I do, it leans on the gourmet and Italian side of things. Maybe I was a Roman Chef in a past life.

Sunday, we slept in. After rousing, Lew and I got ready to go to the movies. Aunt Tudi was supposed to go with us, but her back was bothering her so she opted to stay home. We caught the 12:30 showing of 'The Two Towers'. EXCELLENT!. It was absolutely wonderful. Mind you, 'The Two Towers' was the difficult portion of The Lord of the Rings for me to read. It was a bit transitional and episodic for my tastes, so I expected the movie to be just a problematic for me. All I can say is that I was so wrong. Peter Jackson has outdone himself. I can't wait to see 'The Return of the King', although I know I'm going to weep like a babe, especially when they reach the Grey Havens.

The rest of the day comprised of a short trip to Wal-Mart to pick up a few necessities and then leftover spaghetti and some televiewing (Law & Order: CI with Vincent D'Onofrio ~ waka waka!) before bed. We all passed out around 10 PM, happy and peaceful.

This is how every weekend should be.

Barry has an agent now so plans are changing yet again. My Virgo sensibilities are aquiver with chaos. I need a lie-down, seriously! Enough about me though, this is great news, really. Better a professional handle this than a bunch of nutty fans who have 0 experience in matters of booking. I have minimal experience but my location prevents my using them to any decent degree.

My boss asked me today if Friday the 13th was unlucky for me. I informed her, with typical Goth-like flourish, that every day of this year has been unlucky or otherwise unfortunate. My persistent grimness keeps her away from me and, even though this makes me infinitely gleeful, I'm loathe to show my pleasure for fear that she may return, thinking that the black clouds have dispersed. This delight within depression reminds me of a little poetic skit thing my grandmother used to do:

"I'm happy when I'm sad... I'm always feeling bad."
"How are you?"
"Terrible..."
"That's good!"
"I'm happy when I'm sad."

bwahahahah!

Lew has survived his cold and is planning on spending the weekend with us. Other than working at the answering service tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it all. Steph and I are supposed to get together to go shopping for Aunt Tudi's Christmas gift on either Saturday or Sunday, and Lew and I are meeting James on Sunday. It will be a festive occasion to be certain unless, of course, my appearance is a bit too unaesthetic.

Reading asim's journal has gotten me to wanting to get back into Middle Eastern Dance. I really need to get in touch with Cecily and grauwulf to see if they want to start this back up. I'm just wondering if I still fit in my make-shift bellydance outfit... Perhaps it's time to have a proper one made. I'd make it myself, but it'd look like Picasso had tried his hand at fashion designing, so I think I'll refrain from that particular misery for myself and my friends.

OK, back to work for me. Only 6 hours to go....and counting.

My Biscuit is ill....
I worry for him and wish I could nurse him back to health. A little chicken soup and some 'pooh-poohing' and he'd be right as rain in no time.
Poor Llewellyn...

aka Wedding Bells??
In a moment of insanity, Lew went against his better judgment and asked me to marry him. Being caught up in the moment and sharing his lapse in common sense, I told him yes, I would.
Nothing is official, but words have power so........who knows?

Well, Lew just called in some better spirits and apologised for the situation. I apologised for being an ass. Hopefully, we'll be okay.
This is the first relationship I've ever been in for any length of time. I want to get it right, but sometimes I feel I just fall short.
All I know is I miss him and it seems I'll be missing him even more now. As I told Lew, though, we'll get through it.

Had a long talk with Scott. He's such a sweetheart and helped more than he realises.

Lew.
We don't get to spend nearly enough time together.

I made it over to Lew's last night, even though, by day's end, I didn't feel like going anywhere but home and to bed. My desire to see him outweighed work disgust and exhaustion, so on the road I went, heading for Llewellyn.
I got there around 6:30 and we worked on his computer for a bit. I'm trying to get him hooked up to AOL during this interim period until he can get back the cable access after he attains a permanent domicile for himself and Mel. For some reason the dial-up modem he bought wasn't compatible to his system (XP can be a bitch), so he's going to have to exchange modems and start from scratch.
After a couple of hours of working on the computer, to no avail, and brief dinner break and a wondrous leg and back massage courtesy of Llewellyn, it was time to make music.
We focused our efforts on two songs: 'Wildflowers' by Tom Petty and 'Let It Be' by the Beatles. Lew sang 'Wildflowers' and played guitar, and I accompanied on harmony. I sang 'Let It Be' with Lew on guitar. We did remarkably well, this being our first time to dig our heels into making some real music. Our voices meld well and Lew is a just a wonder on the guitar. I'm beyond pleased and felt so much better when I left Lew as compared to when I came to him last night.
Maybe we should quit working altogether and become travelling hippie bards. Of course, we'd have to have a VW bus and a dog named Boo.

I've only been up for an hour and I feel maaaahvelous. It's miraculous how getting to sleep for as long as you want and rejuvenate a soul.

Yesterday, I worked the full 12 hours at Telequest and got to maintain my sanity. What helped was this Christmas project I'm working on and can keep busy with at work as well. It's odd how the simplest, yet most intricate, tasks can bring peace of mind even in a maelstrom of ignorance and insanity.

So today I get to work more on the Barry Andrews site. He sent me a signature he wants to replace the font on the intro banner. I've got to work that up. And I want to get Vile Humonculus up and going as well. Ah, projects! Don'tcha love 'em?

Things may be looking up for Lew, thanks to Neith. This is the break he has been needing for some time instead of the world just crashing down on him all at once. Thank you Neith! ::bows graciously::

Well, I'm off to work now. May my projects go smoothly and bring swift and groovy results!

Just got a call from Llewellyn. The "lady" who gave him 2 months free rent if he remodeled her house (estimated $4000.00 worth of work for $1100 rent) has reneged on the deal and wants the house back in 2 weeks. He's already done about $2000 worth of work but is only getting $550.00 in 'free' rent. Now he has 2 weeks to find another place for Mel, Des, and himself.
I'm so pissed at this silly bitch. She knows how important this was. She said she wanted to help Mel get out of an abusive situation. And now she's doing this? And she calls herself a Wiccan. OHHHHhhh....my wish is that the Law of Three becomes deeply apparent in her life.

Lew is going to get his daughter from her abusive boyfriend tomorrow....and he won't hear of letting me and Aunt Tudi right shotgun in my car just as a safety precaution...I can't help but think something is going to go terribly wrong.

So it's Friday and all is right with the world....at least I hope. We got a huge amount of rain last night. The air was clear and moist the morning, the chaotic dust particles weighed down to the ground by the precipitation. It is a wonderful feeling ~ very David Lynch's 'Dune' -ish ~~ y'know when the Fremen see their first rain at the end of the movie? Tres groovy.
( what else is going on? )